Monthly Archives: April 2010

Teabagger Census

Posted on April 29, 2010 by | 14 Comments

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Spouse’s Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name:______________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_


Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A


Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?


→ 14 Comments

Posted in Teabaggers and Birthers are Dumbshits

Tagged ,

Stinkin’ Pile of Sarah

Posted on April 28, 2010 by | 6 Comments

In response to the Huffington Post story, Sarah Palin: Obama Is Perpetuating ‘Myth That Racial Profiling Is Part’ Of Arizona Immigration Law, Southpaw has this to say:

Frankly I believe it’s
Understandable why the fine
Citizens of Arizona would want to
Keep this issue low key since

You can certainly see how
Opportunists tend to
Undermine their laws as

Sarah has pointed out
As it is her
Responsibility to get involved with everyone’s
Affairs so that they
Have

Yet another
Opportunity to hear how
Uncompromising she can be when it comes to the

People who she
Inspires
Every time a
Controversy such as this one
Erupts which is when Sarah is

Obliged to get involved and instill more
Fear in the hearts and minds of the people of this great

State in which she
Has
Invested so much
Time, heart, and soul….

…but you know what? ____ ___ ____ ___ _____ __ ____ (please fill in blanks with first letter of each line above)

//

// <![CDATA[
function hide_user_promo_bubble_second_stage() {
var bubble = $(“user_promo_bubble”);
bubble.style.display = “none”;
}

function hide_user_promo_bubble() {
var bubble = $(“user_promo_bubble”);
var myAnim = new YAHOO.util.Anim(bubble, {
opacity: {
to: 0
}
}, 1, YAHOO.util.Easing.easeOut);
myAnim.animate();
setTimeout(“hide_user_promo_bubble_second_stage()”, 1100);
}

function handle_promo_username(params) {
var bubble = $(“user_promo_bubble”);
var img = $(“user_promo_bubble_image”);
var anchor = $(“user_promo_bubble_link”);

if (params.has_photo == “true”) {
img.src = “http://images.huffingtonpost.com/profiles/&#8221; + params.user_id + “-tiny.png”;
} else {
img.style.display = “none”;
Dom.addClass(anchor, “wide”);
}
anchor.innerHTML = “Shared by ” + params.user_name;
anchor.href = “http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/&#8221; + params.user_name;

bubble.style.display = “block”;
var myAnim = new YAHOO.util.Anim(bubble, {
opacity: {
to: 1
}
}, 2, YAHOO.util.Easing.easeOut);
myAnim.animate();
}

if (HuffPoUtil.getUrlVar(“user_promo”)) {
YAHOO.util.Event.onDOMReady(function() {

var parts = document.location.hash.split(“,”), shared_by = “”, badge = “”, i;
if (parts.length < 2) return;
for (i = 0; i Sarah Palin: Obama Is Perpetuating ‘Myth That Racial Profiling Is Part’ Of Arizona Immigration Law

→ 6 Comments

Posted in Fun With Acrostics, Nailin' Palin

Tagged

God-O-Matic

Posted on April 27, 2010 by | 17 Comments

It’s the God-O–Matic !!! Available NOW NOW NOW in this one time special offer!

For just $39.95 you too can have a God-O-Matic which allows you to invoke the name of God in any and all circumstances for your own narrow-minded and charlatan purposes.

The God-O-Matic doubles up as an expresso machine when you're in a pinch

All you’ll need are two AA batteries (not included) and a vulnerable audience susceptible to carpet-bagging salesmen and snake-oil type pitchmen and YOU’RE IN BUSINESS. Guaranteed to work or your money back. The God-O-Matic is perfect for Evangelical environments and even works around water in the event of a near-by baptism. The God-O-Matic EVEN has a device to translate the language of “Speaking in Tongues”.

"I love it!! It's helped me to line my pockets with cash from unsuspecting hayseeds," says Matt Sterbator

And NOW, for just an additional $17.95 you’ll get not one, not two, but THREE copies of the Gideon Bible (copies available from defunct Motel Sixes) with your God-0-Matic!!

The God-O-Matic is absolutely perfect for large and small groups and perfect for nearly any occasion for politicians and community leaders needing to invoke the name of God and religion and exploit those those who don’t know any better.

"God-O-Matic is PERFECT for any occasion," says this fuckhead

Call now to get YOUR God-O-Matic …1-888-243-8943…..that’s 1-888-243-8943

The God-O-Matic…..To help you to bring that emotional argument home when you have no other….1-888-243-8943

The woman in the pink blouse is using the discrete, compact model for ladies (also requires two AA batteries not included)

(Void where prohibited and/or in heavily blue states where people are less susceptible to charlatanism)”

→ 17 Comments

Posted in Religion Crucified

Tagged

Bush’s Memoir–Table of Contents

Posted on April 26, 2010 by | 6 Comments

DECISION POINTS:

Chap I: Failure as a Child

Chap II: Failure as an Adolescent

Chap III : Failure as a Teen

Chap IV: Failure as a Young Man

Chap V: Failure as a “Texas Oil Man”

Chap VI: Failure as a Baseball Team Owner

Chap VII: Failure as a Governor

Chap VIII: Failure in my First Term as President

Chap IX: Failure in my Second Term as President

Chap X: Failure as a Post-President

Chap XI: Failure as a Memoir Writer

Epilogue: Life as a Failure

A pile of shit stacked six feet high

→ 6 Comments

Posted in The Worst President (and Ex-President) of All Time

Tagged ,

Bush’s Memoir Includes Stunning Revelation

Posted on April 26, 2010 by | 7 Comments

George W. Bush’s memoir, tentatively entitled “Decision Points,” will reveal something that, until now, apparently no one has known except for Bush himself and his paramour:  a long-time love affair with Britney Spears.

No small pecker for me

Bush’s memoir, to be released this summer, will include a chapter (Chap 7) in which he details his two-year love affair with the pop star after he attended her D.C. concert as part of her 2003 “I’m a Gum-Smackin’ Hooker” tour.

Bush's reaction after Britney dumped him

Here’s a excerpt:

Ahhh Britney. She was incredible and did for me everything Laura could not.  This hot chick could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.  And she didn’t care about size.  She loved me for the man I was and the four and a half inches I had to offer.  I met her backstage at her D.C. concert in 2003.  In an interview earlier that year with CNN she had said, “I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.” I simply wanted to thank her for her support.  Instead I ended up fucking her !!

When we met,  I never knew that it would be love at first sight.  That chance encounter led to a nearly two-year, torrid love fest that was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. It was Britney who convinced me to go after Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction despite the fact that my instincts told me he didn’t have any. God how I loved her. I still do…but, alas, it was unrequited love. Britney has ADHD, it seemed, and simply couldn’t focus on both her career and me simultaneously.  But what a body!  Straight out of white trash heaven.  I loved doing the “motor boat” with her fake tits (((brruuuuuurrupppphhhhhhhh))) !

W "motorboats" Britney

George likes em authoritative like

Reminiscing about his years in the Governor’s Mansion, Bush also revealed, “Britney reminded me of some of the many strippers I banged after meeting them at strip joints when I was Texas governor.”

Bush during his Governor years in his strip club going out get-up

Britney had little to say about her affair with Bush other than to acknowledge it and say, “Hey, I’d fuck Abe Lincoln if I thought it would boost my career.  I spent two years wasting my time with Bush and not only does he have a small pecker, my record sales actually decreased by more than four and a half million than my sales pre-Bush.”

Hey, I'd do Honest Abe if it would give me a leg up

GWB himself was unavailable for comment but we caught up with a number of strippers at various Houston nightclubs that Bush frequented while Governor of Texas and their consensus opinion echoed the words of  stripper Ima Butmunsch who said Bush is a wasteoid in both the bed and brains department.

W soliciting sex from Ima Butmunsch outside of Houston strip club

→ 7 Comments

Posted in The Worst President (and Ex-President) of All Time

Tagged

Open Letter To Illegals

Posted on April 24, 2010 by | 5 Comments

Dear Illegal Immigrants,

The year 2010, so far, has been a bad year for you in America hasn’t it… with all the talk of building walls and fences around the country to keep you out and/or just sending all 13 million of you packing.

You may be wondering why all hubbub all of a sudden since, up to now, no one (except for crazies) seems to have cared that much whether you’re here or not. Well, someone might have forgotten to tell you but this is an election year and usually around this time America’s fine elected Republican “leaders” began to make hay out of important issues like Terri Schiavo, gay marriage, and singing our national anthem in something other than English. Meanwhile, those pesky peripheral issues like the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, unemployment, etc., are kinda, sorta pushed to the back burner in favor of, ((ahem)) you.

It may just SEEM that John Q. Public is more hysterical and xenophobic than ever. But please be patient. Keep in mind that Americans are notorious for short attention spans. In a mere few months, some guy named Mitch McConnell or Eric Cantor will stir up gay marriage again or some other issue that affects nothing and no one and, alas, November will come and go and things will have settled down again. And you illegals can quietly go back to your cleaning, roofing, and migrant farm work and forget anything ever happened..

..at least until the next election.
Mitch’s view of gay marriage?   Booorrrrrrrring.   Speaking into an open mike, Mitch was overheard saying, “if variety is the spice of gay life, gay marriage is a can of left-over spam.”

→ 5 Comments

Posted in SouthPaw's Slant

Tagged ,

Teabagger Diatribe

Posted on April 24, 2010 by | 2 Comments

Yes ma'am, he is a Muslim Socialist who is going to set up death panels and euthanize all the crazy old people

Diatribe of a Dangerous Mind:

Ever since the Presidential Election, I have feared for my country. I just want it back….that’s all….I see it going to hell in a hand basket. This President wants us to be Socialist and that’s the wrong direction for my country. My Medicare has been taken over by the government and now I can’t go to my doctor anymore because the government has to tell me who to go to and I will probably not even get to see a doctor until it is too late.

And the Socialists are taking away our guns too which I think is just terrible. I hear they’re going door to door and just making people give up their guns.  Next thing you know, they will be collecting our Bibles and we won’t have any guns to stop them.

She tried to attach a giant teabag to her head but slipped and it went OVER her head

I think they are out to get us because we’re Christians and it’s a known fact that the President is an Arab and that he and the other Socialists are anti-Christian and want to take Christianity out of our schools and even our churches. I think this is a plan that’s been cooked up by Muslims who are out to attack us again. Ever since Iraq attacked us on 9-1-1 they’ve been planning another attack. I just know that.

I can’t believe my country elected a Muslim Socialist as President. He’s not my President. I wish we could get our country back the way it was before Socialism took over.  My advice is that everybody  better get prayed up because God is very unhappy with everything that has happened since the election and will not sit idly by while Socialism destroys everything that is good about America.

This may be the last letter that you see from me for a while as I expect that soon our rights to free speech will have disappeared like the rest of our freedoms.

Sincerely (afraid),

The Crazy McCain Lady (now A Tea Party Patriot Who Wants Her Country Back)

So afraid she's using teabags as a hideout

Crazy Lady's family enjoying carefree days before the election of a Muslim President

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Teabaggers and Birthers are Dumbshits

Tagged

Bristol Makes New Friends Via Her Mom’s Hacked E-Mail Account

Posted on April 22, 2010 by | 5 Comments

Her mom might be pissed but daughter Bristol’s life is (((BUSTING)))!

….ever since former U. of Tennessee economics student, David Kernell, was charged with hacking her mom’s Yahoo e-mail that Bristol says has led to her receiving countless phone calls and hundreds of text messages when her cell number was posted online after her mother’s e-mail account was hacked.

“I HAVE SO MANY NEW FRIENDS !!,” said an elated, overjoyed Bristol…..

Bristol "Juggs" Palin keeps her retarded older brother's hand off her beaver

“I got this one funny-wunny phone call from this one boy who said he wanted to stick his polish sausage where the sun don’t shine…and I just thought what a funny place to want to stick a polish sausage and, golly, I just tried to tell him that the best thing to do w/ Polish sausages is to eat them and he told me…EXACTLY!”

Mom forceably French kisses Bristol while Trig can't bear to look

“There was another one where this one boy wanted to sniff and eat my panties and I was like, my goodness…panties would be kind of tough to eat, don’t you think? When I said that to him, he seemed really confused and just kind of hung up.  Poor guy.”

“Another wonderful boy wanted to know if he could eat my beaver and I just told him that people don’t eat beavers in Alaska because there’s lots of moose and, besides, I don’t have a beaver personally but he still told me that he would eat my beaver if I let him.  I just told him, if I ever get a beaver you can get to know it but you can’t eat it.  He seemed fine with that.”

Bristol "Juggs" Palin

Alaskan Beaver

Palin testified Wednesday that she was 17 and pregnant in 2008 when her mother Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! account was invaded after the former Alaska governor was picked as the Republican vice presidential candidate. Bristol Palin said she worried when a bunch of boys called, claiming they were at her front door and wanted in.

“We live in the middle of nowhere in Alaska … in the middle of the woods,” said Bristol.  “Thanks God almighty that David hacked my mom’s account otherwise I wouldn’t be getting all these great calls from such nice fellas wanting to do things to me and for me. “

“Every night I get boys  calling and e-mailing, and twittering me about sausage this and wiener that and what they’d like to do below my state line, and having a banana in their pockets and how happy they are to see me and how they’d like their faces to be my bicycle seat….hahahahahahaahahahaha.  That’s so silly.  I mean, whose face is their bicycle seat?!?”

“and I got this other call from this other guy who said he wanted to “give it to me but good” and I thought that was sooooo nice of him to offer to give me something so graciously even though he never told me for sure what it was he wanted to give me but I’m sure it must have been very good.

And just this morning at around 2, I got this one call from some boy who was obviously in great pain because there were all these groans and heavy breathing and he was obviously in pain cause all he could say was “aaaaahhhh….oooooohhhh….ahhhhhhhh” and he kept asking me to “touch his banana” so I think he must have been in great pain AND he was delirious from all his pain….poor guy.”

“I guess the most upsetting call I’ve gotten is from this guy at 3 the other morning who said his hot dog was stiff and hurt and he needed me to suck on it…I felt so bad for him and his hot dog.  I hope someone has sucked on his hot dog and made it feel better.  Since it’s HIS hot dog, maybe he was able to suck on it himself.”

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Fuck me!!, Nailin' Palin

Tagged

Gary Coleman and The Pope Join Forces with Teabagger Heat Packers

Posted on April 19, 2010 by | 8 Comments

Pope Benedict is packing heat…and so is his new sidekick Gary Coleman both of whom became card carrying members of Tea Party Patriot Heat Packers today at a rally in Northern Virginia  just across the Potomac from D.C.

A jubilant Pope celebrates his initiation as a Tea Party Patriot

“Those fuckers wouldn’t let us into the nation’s Capitol ‘carrying’ so we had to do our thing here in Rosslyn, Virginia,” said Pope Benedict who was recently defrocked for buggering a bunch of alter boys.  “I’m pissed and teabaggers are pissed and Gary here is pissed so Tea Party Patriots is the perfect place for people to come together who are pissed,” said the Pope.  “Plus it gives me a chance to test out this new Dragunov sniper rifle and the German Glock I got at the Vatican before they kicked my ass to the curb.  Isn’t this a beauty,” commented the Pope lovingly holding the Glock like the child he could never have since he only had sex with boys.

Cowboy Pope gone Rogue

Coleman, meanwhile, also pissed off after being rendered homeless for operating a meth lab out of his dilapidated, shit hole apartment in Watts, finds the Tea Party Patriots to be a perfect fit.

Coleman pissed at the world and ready to cap somebody...anybody...in the ass

“Hey these guys embraced me with open arms even though I’m a shrimp and they hate black people.  That’s more than I can say for fucking Hollywood which hung my ass out to dry without a pot to piss in after my career playing Arnold on Diff’rent Strokes was over.  But FUCK Arnold now!!!” said Coleman with a flash of bitterness, anger, and hatred.  “Here’s my ‘Arnold,’” he said caressing a Beretta hand gun holstered on his right side.  “Fuck with me from the left….I dare you,” said Coleman pointing out that he was also armed with a Smith and Wesson 686.

Gary left this dish for the Pope

“Yea, I guess you could say the Pope and I have gotten pretty tight,” said Coleman about his new relationship with fellow Tea Party Patriot inductee, Pope Benedict.  “I mean, we came in together man….there’s  brotherhood.  We even passed out initiation together which was tough as a motherfucker and undignified.  I’m glad it’s over,” said Coleman referring to the obligatory initiation he and the Pope had to undergo when they were forced to run naked through a belt line.  “Dude, some of the Teabaggers are mean motherfuckers and I just know a couple of them intentionally popped my fat ass harder than they needed to.”

This is what got you defrocked Pope....so stay away...for Gary's sake

“Fuck it,” said the Pope referring to the initiation…”I’ve been through worse…and god knows I’ve done worse to people’s asses….but that’s another story for a different day.  Gary’s a great friend….and a wonderful lover,” added Pope Benedict revealing more than he, perhaps, should have.

“Great…the cat’s out of the bag,” said Coleman.  “I hadn’t planned to tell anyone just yet but, yea, we’re very much in love.”

Coleman and the Pope hope to take their love to new heights with a pilot idea they’re currently floating hoping it will get picked up by a major network.

Gimme some a-lovin' Pope !!!

“One name we like is ‘Pope on a Dope,’ or ‘The Pope Smokes a Dope,’” said Coleman, noting the pilot’s story-line about a pedophile Pope who befriends a washed-up, homeless child actor, takes him into his home, and turns him into his  love slave.

“Life imitates Art,” added Coleman, “or is that Art imitates Life? Fuck it….I can never remember.”

→ 8 Comments

Posted in Stranger Than Truth

Tagged , ,

Smile on Sarah’s Face

Posted on April 19, 2010 by | 4 Comments

The perpetual ((smile)) on Sarah’s face is, doubtlessly, a bi-product of her having convinced herself that there’s a special seat reserved for her sitting next to god…or at least in the same row as god……and when her smile gets sinister and condescending, I’m convinced that’s its a a result of her belief that sooner or later a tsunami of waters will come along and wipe away the heretics and people who hate her fucking guts to, of course, include me (and many of you), and that tsunami will be right soon mind you.

shoot me with your pistol baby !

Sarah is the type of christian who believes that guys like me should be and will be wiped out and the world will be better because of it…the same way that Anita Bryant felt, no doubt, and probably still does and the same way those two “Left Behind” fuckers feel too.  If Sarah were Pres, and if it were left entirely up to her, she’d already have guys like me stuffed away in some N. Korean-style work camp breaking big rocks into little ones and never to be heard from again until someone digs up my skull 20 years from now and says “Yep, there’s another victim of the Sarah Palin era”.

Fuck me Uncle Sam !!!

Since I don’t cherish the thought of being “wiped out,” thank god there is no god…and thank god that, if there was one, he/she sure as hell wouldn’t be taking cues from Sarah Palin. Of that I’m certain.

Ah wanna lasso me up some cock !

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Nailin' Palin, SouthPaw's Slant

Tagged