There’s a perfectly good explanation for all of this brouhaha:
You see, I was in West Hollywood on business and I had some time on my hands and I was looking for a church so I could stop by for a quick prayer. I went into this, what looked like a night spot called The Stud Muffin to ask someone if they knew where the nearest church was. It seemed like a strange place and everyone was dressed in black leather bondage stuff with whips and chains and what not all around.
Not wanting to stand out, I left and went into some W. Hollywood shop and purchased leather clothes, just like the ones I had seen in the bar so, out of courtesy I would look like them. I went back to The Stud Muffin and asked for directions and while I was doing that, my RNC-use-only credit card evidently got lifted and whoever did it, must have purchased 20 grand of whips, chains, leather goods, prostitutes and porn, none of which I know anything about (which makes the fact that three boxes of porn found in my hotel room even stranger).
While at The Stud Muffin, I might have accidentally engaged in a number of the activities there as well in an effort to better assimilate with this community. Having to suck off three beefcake dudes at once and afterward participate in a circle jerk was, of course, my way of providing community service. As a leader of the Republican party I feel it is my duty to fulfill such service to the good people of the United States in order to continue to nurture good relations. Additionally, I have no idea how that hole got in the back of my black letter pants. But I did allow a couple of Stud Muffin constituents, at their request, take advantage of the hole with some strategic pummeling in my effort to, once again, reach out to the potential voting public.
Anyway, after all THIS was over, I was still able to find the church and do my praying but I got a lot of stares in the church wearing black leather from head to toe with a hold in the back allowing easy access to my burgeoning buttocks. And that’s how it went down.
P.S. The two male prostitutes who were engaged in oral sex in my bathroom told me that they mistakenly entered my room thinking it was theirs. Once again, a perfectly reasonable explanation…