Dear Ed Itor,
I demand that you cease and desist in your inflammatory remarks regarding my personal life and infidelities. In your ridiculous and absurd article about me (3/19/10), you state that I’ve had extramarital affairs with 600 women. Ed, it’s not even close to that. To date, since marrying, I’ve only had sex with 432 women. And, since anything less than 15 minutes doesn’t count as a Tiger conquest, you should take away the MILF whom I took from behind in 8 minutes in the bathroom at the IHOP down the road–which makes it 431. So you’re laughably off by 169.
I love my wife, Ed, and we’re trying to work through this. She understands that a man has to have his crank lubed from time to time. She just prefers that if I insist on banging skanks that I do it in another state….or at least in another neighborhood. But all that is over with now (or at least until things cool down and I get most of my sponsors back. After that, look out….Tiger will be back on the prowl banging w/ the best of them). From this point forward you’re looking at a faithful husband with nothing but an occasional pud-pounding problem.
And Joslyn James’ accusations of choking and urination are ridiculous. Anyone who knows the Tiger knows that I only piss on women I love. And I’ve only choked two women and one thing in my life: my mom, my 7th grade teacher, Mrs. Crabapple, and my chicken.
You were right about one thing in your, otherwise, piece-of-shit article: I am a humble, glowing, muscular, All-American Tiger.
Knock off the shit Ed…or you’ll be the 7,078th person I’ve sued just since the beginning of the month.