Monthly Archives: February 2010

California to Stop Fucking Cussing for One Week

Posted on February 28, 2010 by | 6 Comments

Californians had better start watching their mouths.

The state Assembly passed a resolution Thursday that would establish the first week of March as “Cuss Free Week” throughout the state (see link below for full story).  If approved by the Senate next week, the measure would take effect immediately.

http://cbs13.com/local/no.cussing.week.2.1519540.html

When asked by a Sacramento Bee reporter for a comment, Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger said he thought such an idea was long overdue. “I think it vil ve uh vonderful thing for the people of California to swear less…not just for von veek…but year round.”

The Govenator after getting his head caught in a vise

“Vhat a stupid fucking idea,” lamented The Govenator at his weekly meeting with the California Assembly.  “There’s so much goddamn fucking bullshit in this state it’s hard to get my massive arms around it.  Vhat assholes !  I mean, how many of you fucking cocksuckers can truly say you can go von fucking minute vithout swearing much less a whole fucking veek?”

We here at Southpawbeagle.com certainly endorse this goddamn California initiative and fucking encourage every goddamn last one of you assholes to refrain from talking shit for a week. I mean, it’s only a goddamn week so what the fuck is the problem?   Let’s not all be dickheads for once in our sorry ass lives and help support this fucking initiative.

Thank you

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Posted in If Walls Could Talk

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Lamar Alexander Battles Serious Halitosis Problem

Posted on February 28, 2010 by | 2 Comments

Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has one more battle on his hands….the worst fucking breath this side of the Mississippi.

Senator Lamar “Breath of Death” Alexander

“Have you ever smelled baby shit?” asked a former Alexander aide who asked to remain anonymous.  “Well that’s what it smells like.  I worked for the piece of shit for six months and couldn’t take it anymore.  The money and the perks were good but I quit for one reason and one reason only….his ‘breath of death.’  Yep, that’s what everyone called Senator Alexander’s breath….when he wasn’t around.  When he walked in the room, I swear to god you felt like you were going to die.  All I could ever think about was, I gotta get out….I gotta get out….I gotta get out.  I used to watch other Senators stand five feet from him…and the closer he got to them, they would just keep edging back further and further.  The Senator never got the message.  We used to leave tic tacs, gum, lifesavers, whatever, laying around all over the place hoping he would pick one up…but he never did.  He’d come around and, no shit, it was like he just finished eating a big plate of horse manure for lunch.”

Halitosis is not the only challenge that the two-term Tennessee Senator has faced.   A recovering pedophile and father of 14 children, 10 of them illegitimate, he has also battled severe foot odor that has reportedly cleared the Senate floor on at least two occasions.

“Oh it’s awful,” acknowledged his wife Honey.  “He’s really just a disgusting man.  I can’t stand to be around him…so I just do everything in my power to stay away from him.”

Mrs. Lamar “Honey” Alexander

Besides his shit breath and his syrupy and disgusting phony Tennessee drawl, Senator Alexander is one of the most renowned right wing hypocrites in American politics.

“Ahhh Lamar,” waxed fellow right winger Jeff Sessions.  “We can’t stand to be around him.  I never thought I would say this, but I wish the good people of Tennessee would get their shit together and elect a Democrat.  His breath is even worse that that of old Strom [Thurmond, former Senator of South Carolina, now deceased].”

Alexander is up for reelection in 2014 but, thanks to his miserable breath, is reportedly already having trouble holding on to key staff members who were responsible for his reelection in 2009.

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Posted in Stranger Than Truth

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Arianna Huffington Engaged to Mitch McConnell

Posted on February 27, 2010 by | 5 Comments

In an announcement that stunned the world, blog guru Arianna Huffington announced her engagement today to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“I’m so happy,” gushed Ms. Huffington.  “Mitch is the man of my dreams darling,” she added in her best Eva Gabor accent.

McConnell, who announced he is leaving his wife, former Labor Secretary Elaine Chou, said about Arianna, “Hey, what can I say, she f**ks like a tomcat and makes my shriveled up old penis stand up like a screaming banshee.  Plus, she’s f**king loaded.  What more can an ugly old piece of shit like me ask for?”

“Mitch is so romantic,” added Ms. Huffington.  “We were watching ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s the other night and he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.  He does things to my body that no man has ever done before.  Plus, going down on him is pure, unadulterated pleasure.”

“Mitch sure surprised the shit out of me,” said his best friend and former male lover, Ku Klux Klan leader and Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions. “I didn’t even know they were dating but I wish him the best.”

U.S. Senator and KKK Leader, Jeff Sessions

“Sure we have different politics,” McConnell said about his fiance.  “But when you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose like her, I say, ‘POWER TO THE LIBS!’  If she keeps it up, I may even vote for Obama’s health care plan,” McConnell quipped.

For Ms. Huffington this will be husband #14 while this will be Senator McConnell’s third marriage,  second to a woman.

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Posted in Stranger Than Truth

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Finally Confirmed: David Vitter Joins the Village People

Posted on February 27, 2010 by | 1 Comment

Vitter in Village People Get-Up

After months of speculation, Louisiana Senator David Vitter finally announced that he is officially joining the disco group, The Village People.

“It will mostly be a weekend and holidays gig,” said Vitter.  “That way it won’t get in the way of my official duties as Senator representing the people from the great state of Louisiana.  I’ve admired this group for years and I have all their records.  They needed someone to play the role of a man in diapers and I think I fit that bill.  I’ve been hanging with the fellas on and off for the past year and it just became a great chemistry.  Last week I met with them over drinks at The High Hard One in the Village and that’s where we made it official. “

Long time members, Victor Willis (police officer), Felipe Rose (American Indian Chief), and Randy Jones (cowboy) all expressed great pleasure in having Vitter on board.  “I’ve admired David for years,” said Jones. “Put him in diapers, get a couple of drinks in him, and my god he just lets it all hang out.”  Willis added that Vitter fits in well with the Village club scene decadence.  “I don’t know what it is about David,” Willis said, “but ever since he started hanging with us, attendance at our shows has increased two-fold, particularly at our favorite clubs like Boy’s Night Out, Man’s Best End, and Give it to me Straight.”

“I’ll be with the boys as long as they’ll have me,” said Vitter.

When asked by our reporter how he felt about being with a band that largely appeals to a gay audience and performs in clubs frequented by mostly gay men, Vitter stated, “Like most right-wing Republicans, I know how to compartmentalize. When I’m with the band, I just want to have a good time.”

Vitter will officially join the Village People starting March 4th at Club Cream of Some Young Guy in NYC’s West Side.  Tickets can be purchased in advance for $25 or $35 the night of the show.


 

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Posted in Stranger Than Truth

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Texas Governor Rick Perry Admits Wearing Lingerie: Poll Numbers Go Up

Posted on February 27, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Perry at a press conference admitting he likes wearing women's lingerie and loves having people executed

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in the race of his life as he runs for re-election against Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, saw his poll number spike upward after admitting he wears women’s panties, pumps, and even an occasional brassiere.

“I was pretty surprised when my numbers went up,” said Perry.  “Given the history of this state being  macho with big strapping well-hung cowboys, I would have expected my numbers to nose dive.”

When asked why he chose to disclose his peculiarities in the midst of the fight of his life, Perry said he was surprised to learn that a good majority of men in Texas also wore women’s clothes.  “We conducted a straw poll recently asking people how they felt about the myth of global warming, how much they enjoyed seeing people put to death via capital punishment, when they would most like to secede from the union…next year or right now and, for men only, how often they donned women’s lingerie and we were stunned to see 80 percent of the male respondents state that they dress in women’s panties and the like three to five times a week…sometimes more.”

Waco resident, Elmer Wayne Henley confirmed those numbers.  “Absolutely I support the Governor and now more than ever since he and I have one more thing in common.  I mean, he’s the kind of  man I can have a pink grapefruit cassis martini with.  And to know he sports panties and pumps like me, just makes me feel that much closer to him.”

Perrry supporter, Elmer Wayne Henley

Perry supporter, Elmer Wayne Henley

When asked whether how he feels about some people viewing him as a poofster or a sissy, Perry said, “I don’t know anyone in MY state that views me that way.   I mean, if I were a sissy I would believe that global warming is man made or that capital punishment is a bad thing.  I think Texas will always be behind me on the issue of killing people because most Texans love to kill people as much as I do.  If you want to talk about sissies, look no further than the LAST guy we had as Governor.  He expressed remorse once over somebody he had executed.  You’ll never hear a syllable of remorse uttered from my lips. “

Senator Hutchinson wears ceremonial Senate mask

Perry now enjoys a 20 percentage point lead, up from just eight points last week, in his race for re-election.  “I plan to make wearing women’s lingerie a major issue going into the election,” he said.  “And I plan to encourage other men to do the same.”  And if Kay Bailey Hutchinson doesn’t like it…she can go f**k herself.  And you know what, they can take away my women’s panties and brassiere when they pry them from my cold, dead fingers.”

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Posted in If Walls Could Talk, Pussy Politicians

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GWB: Worst Piece of Shit in History

Posted on February 26, 2010 by | 4 Comments

“W” is sitting in the family room of his luxurious Dallas home, stinking drunk as usual.  He is becoming increasingly delusional and isolated.  He is a disgrace.  Even Barney, once loyal to his master, now cowers in the corner with a close eye on the man he hates.

This is the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer…

….Our headlines: a new poll shows that #43 is the most worthless, piece of shit President in history….not just in this country, but ALL countries…the poll results went on to say….

“TURN THAT SHIT OFF !” George screams as he throws a shoe at the television, missing by a mile and striking a portrait of his mother instead.

“Yes dear,” says a dutiful Laura….”Here’s today’s Austin Star.”

(((Headline reads:  W’s poll numbers down to .00000005 popularity. President of Zimbabwe more popular)))

“Goddamn it!”

“Dear, why don’t you just read a good book. Ahh, here’s one you’ve not yet read. This is where “Curious George goes to the Carnival.”

“Hmm, you’re right, I’ve not read that one yet.”

As curious George Bush sits alone, reading his monkey book, a life size portrait of J.R. Ewing hangs on the wall staring down at him…..in judgment.

George looks up defiantly.  “I’m confident I made the right decisions as President,” George says, “but no one’s listening….no one.”  J.R. continues staring straight ahead as if to say, “George, if I could I’d kick your pussy ass from here to Houston.”

Then George has a rare moment of clarity.  “J.R. is right,” he mutters to himself.  “I am a pussy.  A spineless, no-good, chickenhawk pussy.  Not only was I the worst President in history, I’m also the worst EX President in history.”

Tears streaming down his face, he lifts a freshly opened bottle to his lips.

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Posted in If Walls Could Talk, The Worst President (and Ex-President) of All Time

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Mean, Miserable-Ass Bastard from Kentucky

Posted on February 26, 2010 by | 10 Comments

Jim Bunning, a Republican from Kentucky, is single-handedly blocking Senate action needed to prevent an estimated 1.2 million American workers from prematurely losing their unemployment benefits next month.

As Democratic senators asked again and again for unanimous consent for a vote on a 30-day extension Thursday night, Bunning refused to go along. And when Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.) begged him to drop his objection, Bunning replied: “Tough shit.”

Upon further investigation, we uncovered a history of  “Tough Shit” from Bunning.

History of Habitual “Tough Shitter”….Jim Bunning:

Birth of his first child:

“Mr Bunning…it’s a BOY !!!!

“Tough shit”

Halloween:

“TRICK OR TREAT!!!!!”

“Tough shit….and get the f**k off my lawn”

Jim’s wife needs treatment for a serious illness:

“Jim, if I don’t get this treatment, I could suffer from long-lasting impairment”

“Tough shit”

“Senator Bunning, they’re closing six homeless shelters in Louisville due to lack of funding…hundreds of people will be on the streets !

“Tough shit”

“Senator, word has it that the troops in Afghanistan are in desperate need for life-saving equipment what do you think about……”

“Tough shit”

“Senator Bunning, the tobacco industry wants to ‘donate’ another two million to your campaign war chest and they’re just waiting for your reaction, Sir….”

“Tough shiiiiiiii….uh, I mean, GREAT….get em on the phone and tell them I’m all in in their court for whatever they may need!”

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Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

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Eric Cantor Caught Spooting Up Capitol Hill Men’s Room (((Again)))

Posted on February 26, 2010 by | 6 Comments

Yes, it’s true and the guy who cleans the bathrooms is sick of it and plans, this time, to tell House Minority leader John Boehner about it despite Rep. Cantor’s pleas not to do so.

“I’m sick of this nasty shit going on in one of my bathrooms,” said Guillermo (Bill) Rojas.  “I’ve been wiping, sponging, mopping, and cleaning these f*king bathrooms for 35 years and caught a bunch of guy’s jerking off….but never anyone as much as this Cantor guy.  I mean, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal except for the fact that the son of a bitch spoots all over the floor and has even hit the doors of the stalls on a number of occasions.  And does he bother to clean it up?? F*k no !  The last three times I caught him I just let it go…but this time?  No way man….and I don’t care how many times he tries to buy my ass off with a lame-ass bribe of a dollar here, 50 cents there.”

“Man, like they say in Spanish, ‘Que gilipollas !?!’  That means ‘what an asshole’ for you gringos.

Guillermo "Bill" Rojas

Anyhow, this time I’m going to Boehner.  And, yes, to answer your earlier question….I’ve caught Boehner in there a few times choking his f**king chicken as well….I’ve even caught him from time to time with some other dude and they’re like choking each others’ chickens….but, dude, at least he gives a shit enough to clean up afterwards.  But Cantor…dude…he was in such a hurry to get the f**k out of there the other day, not only did he leave spoot all over the f**king place, he left this manila folder that was stuffed full of Britney Spears photos.  Jesus that’s some sick stuff.   So this time I’m gonna rat his ass out.  In fact, you know what I’d REALLY like to do?  I’d like to post pictures of this guy all over the Hill with the caption, ‘Serial Jack-In-Offer.’  And man I’d do that in a heartbeat if I wasn’t worried about getting fired.”

“Cantor’s a piece of shit,” Rojas concluded before moving on to clean the next stall.

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Posted in Just Spootin'

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The Health Care Summit Scandal

Posted on February 25, 2010 by | 4 Comments

At today’s (2/25/10) Health Care Summit, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner were pulling their usual obstructionist shenanigans but after only an hour or so of this, the two rumored lovers were seen ducking out of the main ballroom hand in hand.

A witness, who refused to be identified, reported that he saw the two slip out the front door and into a waiting cab.

“They were really moving fast,” said the unidentified witness….”like they didn’t want anyone to see them.  All I saw was them holding hands which, until today, I’d never seen two men do.  Personally, I find it repulsive….but there was something nice about this because you could just tell that the two were really in love.”

The cabbie who identified himself as Piyush Jindal (no relation to the Louisiana Gov) claimed to have taken the U.S. Representative and Senator to the Renaissance Hotel in downtown D.C. and said he had never seen such affection between two men.                                            

Piyush, during happier times, on day he got new cab

“Hey, I don’t want to get too personal here but these guys really messed up the back of my f**king cab.  And the f**king thing is, they were only back there for maybe 15 f**king minutes…..motherf**kers.  I get so f**king sick of motherf**kers  messing up my f**king cab.”

The Renaissance Hotel doorman, also refusing to be identified, did tell us that this wasn’t the first time that Boehner and McConnell have come through the hotel’s front doors together.

“Hell no this isn’t the first time. I’ve seen those guys probably a dozen times in the last couple months.  But not just them.  I’ve seen McConnell check in with that Cantor guy, the Senator from South Carolina…what’s his name?  Lindsey Graham.  I’ve also seen him come through here with some pretty young guys….I mean guys that couldn’t be over 19 or 20.”

“What were they doing up there?  F**k if I know…..and I tell you what….I don’t wanna know.  All I know is they’re there…up there in room 69, and I’m here….and that’s the way I want it to stay.”

McConnell, a reported pedophile and sexual predator from the sexual predator capital of the U.S., Kentucky, has been a U.S. Senator since 1984 representing the state where pedophilia has been legal since the official church in Kentucky recognized it as a appropriate way of letting off steam.  McConnell is also reportedly a member of the René Guyon Society that is said to advocate sexual relationships with children.  Their motto is “Sex before eight or else it’s too late.”

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Posted in Fuck me!!, Stranger Than Truth

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Slime-0-Meter

Posted on February 25, 2010 by | 4 Comments

After today’s (2/25/10) despicable showing of obstruction (at the health care summit), Republicans (specifically Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Lamar Alexander) dropped in this weeks SLIME-O-METER.

The bad news is, the aforementioned Repubs fell below Ted Bundy for the very first time.

The good news, they remain above Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and Charles Manson….

but just barely. For full lower end results, please see below.

Slime-0-Meter Results (through 2/26/10) which are based on a weighted scale of 100-1:

100-80 = not slimy
79-50   = somewhat slimy
49-25   = moderately slimy
24-15   = very slimy
14 -0    =  rock bottom slimy:
23 = Donald Trump
22 = Mark McGuire
20 =Joe Lieberman
17 = Mark Sanford/John Ensign (tie)
14 = Michele Bachmann (earns additional points for being beyond help)
11 = Ronald Reagan (living)
9 = Legacy of Ronald Reagan
8 = All Republican politicians from Georgia
7 = GWB
6 = Karl Rove
5 = Dick Cheney
4 = Ted Bundy
3 = McConnell/Boehner/Alexander (Tie)
2 = Charles Manson/Jeff Dahmer/Son of Sam (tie)
1 = Sarah Palin
0 = Glenn Beck

-1 = Rush Limpbone/Ted Haggerty (tie)

Note: this scale was based on Quantitative Research sampling methods using 1000 randomly picked individuals throughout the Mid-Atlantic region.

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Posted in Republicans Are Ratfucks

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