ISIL Stepping Up Fundraising

The terrorist group, ISIL, is trying different approaches to raising funds now that the U.S.-led coalition is targeting and destroying its oil refineries which have served as the groups primary money-maker.

“We plan to have more bake sales like the one we had last Saturday,” said Mustafa Ali-Baba, ISIL’s Chief of Fund Raising and Good Times.

“You wouldn’t believe how many good cooks we have in our group,” said Ali-Baba.  “We have guys who make some of the best toll-house chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had.”

“Don’t forget the brownies that Ishmal and his brothers make,” chimed in ISIL member Moobaba Ataboy.

The "Baker Boys" as they've come to be known by their many fans of their toll house cookies....especially the ones with the chocolate sprinkles.

The “Baker Boys” as they’ve come to be known by their many fans of their toll house cookies….especially the ones with the chocolate sprinkles.

“Oh, they’re incredible,” added Mohammad Abadabado.  “They absolutely melt in your mouth.”

“Well, what I think I like best are the rice krispy treats that Ali makes, said Mustafa.  “They may seem simple to make, but there’s something about them perfectly chewy on the inside and crispy on the outside.”

“You know what it is?” asked Ali coyly.  “A slight touch of lemon extract.”

((Wow…that’s it?  Really? Unbelievabe!))) said the gang.

“The key to a good bake sale is having lots and lots of variety and lots and lots of everything,” said Mustafa.

“And it just has to be fresh…period,” said Ishmal.  If they’re not fresh people don’t like them as much.”

cookies

Some of the delicious delectable delights featured every Saturday at an ISIL bake sale

“We made more than $346 dollars last week.  With a few more weekends like that we can maybe buy some more much-needed caliphate bumper stickers and yard signs that we’re short on.”

“And don’t forget the black flags,” added Moobaba.  “We’re running short on black flags.”

“OK EVERYONE! Let’s all get a good night’s rest.  Big baking day tomorrow. Yushef, you’re planning on bringing your famous peanut butter fudge, right?”

“Absolutely!  I’ll be up at four and baking by 4:30. “

“You guys are great….you know that?  I know I don’t tell you that enough.  I mean, all of you work so hard it just makes me, well, proud.”

“It is hard work Mustafa….almost as hard as cutting off heads,” said Mohammad pointing to a large basket in the corner of the room filled with severed heads.  “But we love it.”

“You know something guys? ” said Moobaba….”when we put our heads together, we can really go places.”

“That’s what THEY said,” said Yushef pointing at the basket of heads.

((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!!

“You guys trip me out,  Good night fellas.”

Land “Snakes” Alive !!!

A snake-handling preacher was bitten and killed by a rattlesnake on Saturday.

And it’s about goddamn time.  With a name, occupation, and penchant for religious looney activities that can only come from Kentucky, wide-eyed Kentucky Pentecostal preacher,  Jamie Coots, finally fucked around with the wrong snake and one that didn’t much cotton to his religious rantings.  A rattler,  an atheist snake no doubt, bit and done killed him.  Finally.

Jamie Coots gone to meet his maker thanks to........

Jamie Coots gone to meet his maker thanks to……..

...this guy...our hero.

…this guy…our hero.

Believe it or not, they actually made a reality TV show, called Snake Salvation, out of this guy dancing around with snakes while speaking in tongues and taking his own worthless life in his own hands week in and week out.   Coots has been bitten eight times before during his 21 year reign of handling snakes.  But on Saturday some snake had apparently had it up to here with his bullshit and bit the fuck out of him.  Coots, being Pentecostal, refused medical treatment figuring god would come through for him.  God, in true form,  didn’t bail him out.  Maybe there is a god after all.

Coots’ wife, daughter, and son will carry own his legacy and continue dancing with snakes. In fact, they’re celebrating Coots life by dancing with snakes around his corpse right now at his wake.

images

After they get done, assuming they, too, don’t get bit, all of them and a bunch of  other in-bred, toothless pedophile family members and friends will all head to Cracker Barrel for Sunday Brunch.

cracker barrel

…which begs the question, don’t they have anything better to do in Kentucky?

The clear answer to that is yes:

images

Ghanian People and Bill Robinson Celebrate

Former incredibly obnoxious and insufferably precocious child star, Shirley Temple who, in the 30’s, made some of the most putrid, fucked up films in the history of the world leading to a nationwide pall of depression throughout all of America in what is commonly known as The Great Depression as well as causing hundreds of thousands of middle-age men to simultaneously spew vomit at the mere sight of her in what is known as “The Great Hurl”, and who later became a right-wing Ambassador during the Nixon and Reagan Administrations taking her facade of child-like sickening, syrupy and demented good cheer to such fucking backwater countries as Ghana causing half the population to commit mass suicide during her reign as Ambassador, is dead at 85.

Shirley Temple lollipop

“Good riddance,” said Nakimba Mutombo, a ranking government official while Temple served there as Ambassador.

“At all of our meetings together, before we’d get down to business, she insisted on us all doing renditions of “Good Ship Lollipop” and holding hands and such while we were doing it,” said Mutombo.  “We hated her fucking guts and after a few meetings like that my comrades decided they couldn’t take it any longer and started shooting themselves out in back of the building.  I mean living in Ghana was a nightmare by itself without bring Shirley Temple into it.  It was all I could do to stay alive myself….so I got out and now live in a primitive village in Sub-Saharan Africa where there is no electricity, not TV, no radios, no glamour magazines….and best of all, no one has ever heard of Shirley Temple.”

Nakimba Mutombo hopes to never hear the name "Shirley Temple" again

Former Ghanaian official, Nakimba Mutombo, hopes to never hear the name “Shirley Temple” again

Informed of her death, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, who served as Temple’s ass-kissing sidekick and lackey as well as her “yessuh boss!” Uncle Tom and house negro in most of her films, said he could give a shit.

Bojangles feigns happiness as he steps out with his master

Bojangles feigns happiness as he “soft shoes” with his master

“Shirley always acted like we was the besssst of friends,” said Robinson.  “But lemme tell you….she had that biiiig star on her dressing room door in that biiiiig dressing room all by herself….while me and the rest of us colored boys had to share one measly, shitty room together no bigger than a goddamn closet.  Plus, the caterers always brought ol’ Shirley any goddamn thing she wanted….caviar….chocolates….all sorts of meats and cheeses…..while all us old colored fools had to eat scraps in the goddamn KITCHEN!!”

Robinson reacts to the news of Shirley Temple's death

Robinson reacts to the news of Shirley Temple’s death

Robinson, now 127 years old himself and the oldest man in history, said he chose to live as long as he has out of spite just waiting for Temple to die.

“I done figure I had to eat shit from Shirley all those years so I’ll be goddamn if that curly-haired freak was gonna outlive me!  Now I can finally go in peace,”said Robinson.

As for Ghana, its current Prime Minister said today’s date will forever be known and celebrated by its people as Shirley Temple Independence Day.

Ghana

“FREE AT LAST,” Ghanaian people screamed in the streets after hearing the news…..”thank god almighty we’re FREE AT LAST!!!”

Great News for Virginia’s Condemned

“I’m elated that we finally get a choice,” said prisoner # 4653, Otis Campbell.

“Finally, we get a voice in decision-making,” said prisoner # 7369, Elmer Wayne Henley.

Of course these condemned inmates of Virginia’s penal system are talking about the fact that, thanks to progressive-minded state lawmakers who believe in choice, they, and dozens of others who are condemned, now get the choice of the electric chair over lethal injection.

"Finally we get a choice," said a reflective Elmer Wayne Henley.

“Finally we get a choice,” said a reflective Elmer Wayne Henley.

Electric Chair

This prison guard unveils what he calls the “proudest moment of my 20 years doing this job. There wasn’t a dry eye int he room, ” he added

“We believe in  choice when it comes to such things,” said State Rep Moe Lester of Poquoson, Virginia.  “For far too long our condemned state residents have only been given one option and, quite frankly, we consider such limits to be unfair and not keeping with the tides of change that our state has always embraced.”

Condemned prisoner, Henley, agree: “That’s what makes me proud to be an American….the freedom to choose,” he said.  “If I was condemned in Russia for instance I probably wouldn’t be given much of a choice.”

Greensville Correctional Facility in Jarrett, VA…..now a more fun, choice-filled place to be

“Elmer Wayne is right,” said condemned prisoner, Campbell. “I like to be able to choose.   That’s why I like going to Burger King more than McDonald’s cause when I go to Burger King if I choose to not have pickles and lettuce on my burger than I can.  I can have it MY way…whereas at McDonald’s I have to have my burger their way.  I’m proud to be incarcerated in a state that says if I want to die in the electric chair over lethal injection well damn it….I can.”

Have it your way....

Have it your way….

...have it your way

…have it your way

“Oh they can still select lethal injection if they so choose,” said Lester.  “And that’s the great thing about our state:  they GET that choice. Remember, as our state slogan goes “Virginia is for Lovers”.

As to what the “Virginia is for Lovers” slogan has to do with putting people to death remains a topic for later discussion…..but the fact remains that Virginia is one of the the few states progressive enough to advocate for choice when it comes to how one wants to be put down.

The Pro Choice Group, “Execution with Dignity”, agrees.

“We’ve been fighting for this for a long time and we feel very good about how far Virginia has come,” said “Execution with Dignity” spokesperson, Mike Oxlittle.

“We hope such a move will begin to open the doors to more choices like lynchings and the firing squad,” added Oxlittle.

A recent poll shows that by far the majority of condemned inmates of the Virginia system like having a choice and most, now that they’re to be given a choice, would choose the electric chair.

“Most everyone I’ve known who chose lethal injection just didn’t like it,” said Campbell.  “Something about it just didn’t feel right.  And most of them told me if given the choice to do it all over again they would take the electric chair any day of the week and twice on Sunday.”

...no longer a popular choice among inmates new and old.

…no longer a popular choice among inmates new and old.

Condemned inmate, Otis Campbell

Condemned inmate, Otis Campbell

Reminded that it seemed improbable that his now deceased contemporaries could have expressed their execution preferences after the fact, Campbell said he was more or less being anecdotal.

“Well, I may have embellished my story some….but generally speaking, I stand by what I said,” said a resolute Campbell.  “Choice is a great thing.  Choice is an American thing.”

RIP Lou Reed 1942-2013

Lou_Reed_-_Street_Hassle_front_cove

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkG9BKgDvNI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FdWPeHFAMk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OqVvYJnklM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOmZimH00oo

 

Ted Cruz Comes Out….

images

Fugly

Texas Junior Senator, Ted Cruz, came out today and admitted what pretty much everyone else already knew:  He is ugly.  But not just plain ugly but downright “fugly” which is short for “fucking ugly” says Cruz’s 4th grade teacher, Gladys Horney.

“Teddy was always fucking ugly…even in fourth grade,” said Ms. Horney, now retired.  “Someone once remarked that poor Teddy must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch and twig on the way down. We always hoped he would grow out of it but, instead, he just got uglier and now he’s just a fucking ugly man.  All of us are just happy Teddy finally came to his senses and came out.  Perhaps now he can live in fucking ugly peace as a free, ugly American.”

“We’re proud of Senator Cruz,” said fellow Senator Mitch McConnell of  Kentucky who came out of the ugly closet in 1998.

Senators Speak With The Media Following Policy Lunch Meetings

“I know how hard it is to live a life of secrets and lies,” said McConnell, a member of the “All-Ugly Hall of Fame of Ugly Politicians”.  “I can tell you this:  it’s hard at first to admit you’re fucking ugly….but the truth will set you free…do you hear me Ted?  The truth will set  you free.”

“It is tough at first, said Ugly Hall of Fame member, actor Clint Howard.  “But it gets easier.”

clint-howard

Poor Clint Howard

“I agree,” said rock star Steven Tyler of Aerosmith who is another Ugly Hall of Fame member.  “Personally I hate Ted Cruz….but I’m happy to see he’s decided it’s better to be free and ugly than ugly in secret.”

images (1)

“Ted Cruz has classic ugly features,” said ugly people expert, Morton Downey who has advised ugly people for more than three decades and has helped other ugly people people like former Congressman, Tom Delay, Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia, and Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas come out of the closet.

scalia2_1

Ugly

gohmert_rect

Uglier

Fugly

Fugly

“Notice Senator Cruz’s fish lips which have, over the years, gotten thinner and thinner,” said  Downey.  “Additionally, Senator Cruz has no chin…a classic feature of the fuglyist people in the annals of fugly.  And notice the eyes which are beady and soulless, the hair….slicked back with Vitalis, and his teeth which are small and sharp….like a Piranha.  In fact, I believe I could best describe Senator Cruz’s looks as that of a perch….or perhaps a large sea bass.”

The_Puffer_Fish

<> on May 16, 2013 in Washington, DC.

“But most of all, let’s not forget his pussy face,” said Downey.  If it were not for Senator Cruz’s deep-rooted, disingenuous, extreme religiosity I believe the Senator would be perhaps only ugly and not fugly. I only hope that Senator Cruz’s coming out will inspire others  like Texas Congressmen Randy Nugenbauer and Blake Farenthold to come out as well. “

neugebauer

Fat, Fugly, Hateful Farenthold

Fat, Fugly, Hateful Farenthold

‘Despite Senator Cruz’s recent coming out, he still has a long way to go before he can truly be free,” said spokespersons for the groups “Society of White, Male Assholes” and “The Club for Men Who Look Like Pedophiles but May or May Not Be One.”  The spokesmen said they hope Cruz takes his rightful place in their groups over time.

“One step at a time,” said one of the spokesmen who asked to remain anonymous.  “When he’s ready, we’re here for him.”

Same-Sex Couple Is Due on Maple Street-2013

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Republican Zone…..

“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”

Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences  of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…

Maple Street Residents:

The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family,  The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.

Sarah:  “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”

Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”

Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”

“HEY MOM!!”

“What is it Piper?”

“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”

Sarah:  “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”

Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”

Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking.  You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.

Todd Palin:  “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood.  Over my dead body!  This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”

Tommy:  “But my dad says…..never mind….”

Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers

By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street.  “What Tommy?   What does your dad say?”

Tommy:  “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”

(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!

Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy!  HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”

The crowd of  Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.

“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?”  “I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”

“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…

Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”

Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”

Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation

Roberts:  “Fuck you Todd.  You’re one to talk.  Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”

Palin:  “That’s bullshit.  Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”

Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”

Michele:  “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”

John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”

Rick Perry:  “Well I can personally vouch for John.  He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”

Scalia:  “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!?  I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick?  Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”

Rick Perry:  “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”

Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich

Alito:  “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth.  I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!'”

((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.

Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank?  The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be  a man.  So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”

“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense.  “Why are we at each others throats.  Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one.  If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”

“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”

“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”

((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.

“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito.  “We’ll start with Scalia.”

“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”

A growing mob prepares to question potential queers

“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry.  “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”

“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one.  Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”

“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”

“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”

“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”

“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito.  “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia.  As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”

((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))

“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts.  “JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”

“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.

“Well look around you….who’s missing?  I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”

((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!

Tommy:  “BUT DADDY….DADDY!”

John Roberts:  “What is it Tommy?  Shut up everyone!”

Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”

“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”

“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.

….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”

“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.

“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin.  “YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”

“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.

“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”

((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!

“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin.  There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”

“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.

Scalia:  “I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it.  Perry, are you armed?”

“Always,”  said Rick Perry.

Scalia:  “Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”

((BLAM!!))

Scalia:  “He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”

((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.

Perry:  “Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”

(((BLAM BLAM!!!))

Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney

Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.

Scalia:  “Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”

Alito:  “I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”

Sarah Palin:  “You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”

Perry:  “You told me to.  What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”

Maple St. is coming apart at the seams

Michele Bachmann:  “It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog.  Why is that Rick?”

Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7

Todd Palin:  “Yea, why is that Rick?  Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”

Rick Perry:  “Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”

“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME  SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”

“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S  ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.

“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.

Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin

“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito.  “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”

“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry

((BLAM BLAM!!!))))

“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”

((GET HIM!!!)))  ((NO…GET HIM))))…..((NO…..GET HER!!!!)

((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))

((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!

Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high

….meanwhile, atop the hill  that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth.  They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…

Xoxdox:  Very good work Zodox.  It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves.  How did you do it?

Zodox:  It was easy.  I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”.  It is also there that they do something called “praying.”

Xoxdox:  “What is “praying” Zodox?”

Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?

Zodox:  “It said:  “Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”

Xoxdox:  “And that was it??”

Zodox:  “That was it”

Xoxdox:  “You’re a genius Xoxdox”

Zodox:  “And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings.  There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth.  We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we  take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))

Xoxdox:  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Xoxdox:  “I love you Zodox.”

Zodox:  “We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”

.as chaos  ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet.  There, sit two creatures not from this earth.  They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.

Note by Editor:  Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZTe4SJnxPc

I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes

Welcome to this week’s edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes, a weekly profile on someone who, this week, this year, or perhaps for all eternity, no one would want to trade places with for all the money and fame, or infamy, in the world.

800px-Lincoln_Memorial_Reflecting_Pool_Restoring_Honor_Crowd

This week we’re on location on the Washington D.C. Mall in front of the Lincoln Memorial as ten’s of thousands of people are here as well to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s I Have a Dream speech made on this very spot in 1963.

KING

Without further ado, our unanimous selection for this edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes is George Zimmerman, the Florida neighborhood watch guy who killed teenager Trayvon Martin in cold blood and recently was found not guilty….which is why we are here, at this special place, for this momentous occasion. All indicators point to Zimmerman now being intrinsically linked to the most iconic leader in American history….and not linked in a good way but as the poster boy for everything that has NOT made The Dream a dream at all….but a nightmare.

AP_george_zimmerman_dm_130711_16x9_992

All around us, in the midst of a celebratory mood, we see signs of Zimmerman. There are people everywhere wearing Zimmerman t-shirts with a big, red Ghostbusters slash through his face.  There are vendors selling by the thousands everything from mini dartboards with Zimmerman’s picture as the bulls eye, to rolls of toilet paper with his picture on every sheet.

Joining me are five experts on infamy to discuss who in hell would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes.  Please welcome Jeff Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Judas, and George W. Bush.  Gentleman let me quickly go around the table and ask each of you, if you could trade your infamous, criminal, and genocidal lives and your infamous place in history right now with George Zimmerman, would you do it?

Hitler:  “No.”

Dahmer:  “No.”

Bundy: “No.”

GWB:  “No.”

Judas: “No.”

Well then, it seems unanimous.  None of you would want to be in George Zimmerman’s shoes.  Can you elaborate?  Adolf….you first.

adolf-hitler

Hitler:  “Well, sure I may have been responsible for the near annihilation of an entire race of people….but then I got mine.  Cyanide, a bullet, a fire, and now hell. If I had gotten away and Mossad was hunting down my ass we might be having a different conversation right now. But as it stands, I would not be him for anything.”

Ted Bundy:  “Adolf is right. It’s okay if I call you Adolf…right?”

Hitler:  “Sure, you can even call me Adi if you want.”

bundy

Ted Bundy

Bundy:  “What Adi says is true.  Take me for example. I may have brutally killed countless women in Washington and Florida but Zimmerman is now so associated with icons has become an icon himself. The way people are feeling right now, he may as well have mowed down Rosa Parks. Besides, he is an ugly son of a bitch. Even his own mother thinks he is a screaming pussy.”

gwb

Bush:  “I have to agree.  Infamy is relative in my opinion….at least when it comes to me.  In a few years stupid Americans will have totally forgotten that I waged an illegal war that ended up bankrupting the U.S. and killing tens of thousands of people. At least I’ll never be linked to anyone famous or iconic.  I mean, how would you like it if every time Dr. King’s name or anniversary or something came up someone linked YOUR name to it as well….and not in a GOOD way.”

jeffrey-dahmer

Jeff Dahmer

Dahmer: “I wouldn’t like it….that’s for sure.  Personally I’d rather be dead. Well, I AM dead….but that’s a subject for another day.  The point is, no one even knows who I am anymore in spite of the fact that I committed some of the most heinous crimes in American history.  It’s one thing to rape, kill, dismember, and eat teenage boys by the dozens but at least my name is not George Zimmerman.”

“What about you Judas?   You certainly could be accused of being associated with fucking over someone iconic, right?”

Judas:  “Well if I knew then what I know now, that Jesus was going to be so famous and revered, maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to fuck him over.  On the other hand, who knew?   Back then Jesus was nothing but a fucking bum.  I was just giving up a bum….that’s all.   Least that’s the way I see it.”

And there you have it from the experts on infamy.  There’s a consensus that the worst person to be now, and perhaps ever, is George Zimmerman.  From this point forward, whenever the name of iconic figure Dr. King is broached everyone will automatically think of the disgusting fat, pudgy figure of George Zimmerman…much like they think of genocide with Hitler, serial killer with Bundy, cannibalism with Dahmer, and stupid with George W. Bush.

George Zimmerman

Gentleman, thank you for being with us.  And thank YOU, our viewers, for tuning into to another edition of I Wouldn’t Want to be in His Shoes.

Celebrity Atheists

Adam Corolla, Patton Oswalt, Bill Maher, Woody Allen, God, Ricky Gervais, Barry Manilow, Rob Reiner, and Seth McFarlane are just a few of the famous people who made this year’s Celebrity Atheist List.

American Atheist Curator, Eric Shun, said this year’s addition of so many comedians make the overall list the most varied in U.S. history.

Atheist curator, Eric Shun

Atheist curator, Eric Shun

“No one expected Patton Oswalt (of King of Queens fame) to be a non-believer,” said Shun.  “He just looks like a believer.”

Non believer, Oswalt, clowns around with a knife

Non believer, Oswalt, clowns around with a knife

God making the 2013 list was a surprise to many.

“I was surprised because most everyone on this year’s list, besides Barry Manilow, is a comedian,” said Shun.  “Everyone knows that most comedians are atheists. And, likewise, everyone knows that God was no comedian.  On the other hand….maybe there are things we DIDN’T know about God.”

Which begs the question….Is it possible God was a comedian?

“Doubtful,” said God expert O. Howie Dickter.  “I’ve never heard or read about anything God did that was considered funny.”

O. Howie Dickter

O. Howie Dickter

Others were not as surprised to learn that God didn’t believe in God.

“Many people have suspected that God didn’t believe in God even before God existed,” said Dickter of the The Philosophy of God Institute in Washington D.C.   “After all, there’s clear evidence that shows God not only did not create the heavens and earth, but he pretty much just stood around while all of it was going on to include the oceans and the rest of the shit that was created.”

Curator Shun said God was reportedly nothing more than a drunkard living in a disheveled state in what is now known as Kansas.

“In today’s times, God would have been known as the town drunk if there HAD been towns and if there HAD been people.  But they had not  been created yet.”

Residents of Kansas, 99.7 percent of who are Christians, were not unexpectedly stunned….

“I don’t believe it now and I’ll never believe it,” said Kansas Christian, Dean Gil Barry of Topeka.  “It just can’t be true.  How in God’s name can Barry Manilow be an atheist? My wife Bonnie and I just saw him in concert last month at the Topeka Palladium.  There’s no way the guy I saw sing Copacabana could not believe in God…..no way,” said Gil Berry in an obvious state of angst mixed with denial.

Dean Gil Berry of Topeka, Kansas

Dean Gil Berry of Topeka, Kansas

Yet former A & M records executive, Saul Rothstein, says that long ago he discovered that when you reverse play the 1974 #1 smash hit “Mandy” on a conventional turntable, the words played backwards clearly say “God doesn’t exist and even if he did he’d be a piece of shit.”

Atheist?  It just can't be...

Atheist? It just can’t be…

When asked about this, Manilow declined to comment except to say “Mandy” sold six million copies in the U.S. and Germany alone which should speak for itself.

Asked if he remembers the exact day he became an atheist, Manilow said,

♫”I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into

Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well you came and you gave without taking
And I need you today, oh Mandy….♫

As for God, Gil Berry of Topeka said he still believes in God even though God doesn’t believe in God.

“This is America….the land of freedom where people have the right to worship as they choose….and God has the right to believe in anything he wants.”

Eric Shun, the Atheist curator, says that, besides Manilow, this year’s list consisted of so many comedians that it must mean that God’s true calling was to be a comedian instead of being God.

“He was likely God the comedian and not God the God.  But we may never know for sure,” said Shun.

Which means it’s entirely possible that the last few thousand years, the billions of stupid, fucking Americans who believe in God was really nothing more than one big comedy act.

One big comedy act

One big comedy act

“There’s no other way to explain it,” Shun said.  “No other way.”

Free Eddie

With a giant banner behind him proclaiming “Misija Atlikti” which, in English means “Mission Accomplished”, Ed Snowden was greeted and cheered by more than a million freedom-loving Russian Libertarians who crowded into Red Square to officially welcome Snowden to the real Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Red square

Russian crowds greet a free Eddie

Snowden, who has been stranded in Moscow’s airport the last two months as a man without a country was granted asylum and can now look forward to a life in the freest nation on earth.

(((FREEDOM FREEDOM!!!! SNOWDEN SNOWDEN!!!! FREEDOM FREEDOM EDDIE EDDIE!!!!)))), came the deafening roar from the crowd as they drenched Snowden with exuberance and freedom like he’s never experienced before.”

snowden-russia

Snowden stares at Red Square before he heads down to meet his new countrymen

“I’m happy to be here!!” shouted Snowden.  “THREE CHEERS FOR FREEDOM!!!”

((HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!)))), let out the crowd.

“I’m just glad I’m out of that Novotel,” Snowden said.

(((HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAH))))!

“The mattress was hard, the turn down service sucked….and they never replenished the mini-bar with my FAVORITE VODKA !!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)))!!! screamed the appreciative crowd.

“Hey, here’s a good one:  Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?  As soon as they learn how to drive ‘em, they are going to INVADE RUSSIA!!!!”

((((HARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR))))!!!!! roared the burgeoning crowd.

(((EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE))))!!!!

“This was a natural place for Eddie to be, said Kremlin spokesman, Ivan Itchinanus.  “We believe in freedom here and everyone is free to do whatever he or she wants, whenever, wherever, and however they want.  Why if I decided to go right now and dance naked around the National Basilica I could just do it and no one would do or say anything.”

However, the very idea of a fat, disgusting, pasty-white, former high-ranking member of the KGB dancing around naked in Red Square caused Itchinanus to dispense with this idea immediately.

On stage with Snowden was Russian President Vladimir Putin whose freedom mastery orchestrated Snowden’s return to freedom.  “The Freedom Purge”, as it’s being called, is being hailed around the world as the greatest act of freedom since President Lincoln freed the slaves.

“I hereby declare this day as ED SNOWDEN DAY!!!, shouted Putin.

Putin Election Rally

President Putin gives a shout-out to Eddie

((((ROOOOAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)))!!

“But remember my fellow freedom-loving citizens.  As we welcome Eddie amongst us, I remind you that you are free to do whatever you want…anytime you want. If you want to celebrate Ed Snowden day tomorrow….or even the next day…or the next….OR EVERY DAY THIS YEAR and EVERY OTHER YEAR…you’re free to do JUST THAT!!!!!”

((((ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR))))!!!!

Snowden will now blend into the 95.7 percent of the population of Russian that describe themselves as Libertarians and are allowed to come and go as they please and pretty much do anything they want whenever they want to.  The remaining 4.3 percent of the population is made up of expatriate Amerikiečian’s who don’t believe in freedom.

“Those outcasts are welcome to live here in freedom,” said Putin.  But we don’t really like them….and we sure don’t respect them.  But because we believe in freedom they, too, can come and go as they please.”

“But enough about them.  We’re here to honor Eddie.  Eddie is now a free man,” Putin said before being drowned out by Russian country and western star, Ubin Yakinoff who had taken the stage and begun to sing his version of the great Lee Greenwood standard:

♫”And I’m proud Eddie’s not an Amerikan, cause at least I know he’s free… And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me….And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today…. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land…….God bless the USSR!!!!!”♫

(((ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR))))!!!!!!

Weiner’s Weiner Seeks Redress

by gordita

A week after another sexting partner, Sydney Leathers, came forward with allegations against former Congressman Anthony Weiner, Weiner’s weiner has filed a complaint with the Fair Labor Standards Board asking to be paid for time he put in during his boss’ phone sex with twenty-something-year-olds across America. “And that doesn’t even touch on my right to be paid for my image being displayed to millions of people across the internet,” says Weiner’s weiner. “I mean, didn’t the chicks in Girls Gone Wild win some sort of lawsuit because they did not sign a release?”

It seemed like a great idea at the time.

It seemed like a great idea at the time.

Former Congressman Weiner maintains that his weiner’s charges are “complete bullsh*t.” “My weiner was a willing volunteer. At no time was there an employer-employee relationship.”

“The hell I was!” said Weiner’s weiner when I repeated Weiner’s allegations that he was a volunteer. “I only volunteered because Weiner said he was going to set up a pad for me and about ten women to get together and do the dirty. But then all he did was get on the phone and beat me like I owed him money. Jesus! I can’t believe I stood for it!”

weiner2

I was promised this….

And I got this.

And I got this.

When asked how much back pay he was demanding, Weiner’s weiner said the sum was somewhere in the high five figures including overtime.

“High five figures! That is a lot of money!”

“Yeah, well. Not to brag but I  could have done adult film gigs and earned more money that Croesus.”

Weiner1

Rising star

When asked to comment on Weiner’s weiner’s FLSA complaint, Ms. Leathers was sympathetic. “We both got stiffed big time. Both of us were promised a hook-up in Chicago. Plus, I was promised a condo and a cool job at Politico.  All I ended up getting was a lot of gasping choking noises over a phone line. Yuck. What a turn-off.”

“You feel you were victimized, Ms. Leathers?”

“F*ck yeah. But before we go any further, let me do a shout-out to Huma.  I AM A GOOD PERSON, REALLY AND TRULY! IT WAS JUST A VERY VULNERABLE TIME FOR ME! MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER SOME TIME!”

“How exactly were you a victim, Ms. Leathers?”

“Hold on a second, gordita. LARRY FLYNT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, ARE YOU STILL OFFERING A MILLION DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO TURNS IN A POLITICIAN?  IF NOT, I’LL BE HAPPY TO DO WHATEVER!”

“It sounds like Ms. Leathers has big plans, Weiner’s weiner. Is there anything new on the horizon for you?”

“Frankly, gordita, all I care about right now is getting some dough.”

“Any chance that the Congressman will be able to move on with his life?”

Not a chance, gordita. The press will never stop flogging Weiner.”

Weiner6

A Justifiable Use of Deadly Racism

by gordita

Folks, here are the “Stand Your Ground” instructions given to the jury in the Zimmerman case.  The words in brackets were not spoken by the court but you can bet your right arm they were heard by the jury.

zimmerman

Ladies of the Jury, I am now going to give you instructions regarding self-defense.  It is a defense to second-degree murder and manslaughter if the death of Trayvon Martin resulted from a justifiable use of deadly force.

A [non-black] person is justified in using deadly force if he reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to himself [by a black person]. [Believe me, you will not be asked to find that a black man was justified in killing a white because everyone knows that in a Stand Your Ground state that pig won't fly.]

In deciding whether George Zimmerman was justified in the use of deadly force, you must judge him by the circumstances by which he was surrounded at the time the force was used [such as the race of persons suspected of committing burglaries in the area]. The danger facing George Zimmerman need not have been actual [and we all know it was not actual until Zimmerman followed Trayvon Martin and scared the crap out of him]; however, to justify the use of deadly force, the appearance of danger [such as the appearance of danger when a person is young, black, male and scared sh*tless] must have been so real that a reasonably cautious and prudent [racist cracker from Florida] under the same circumstances would have believed that the danger [from an agitated black man] could be avoided only through [killing his ass]. Based upon appearances, George Zimmerman must have actually believed [and the more racist he isthe more powerful his belief would be] that the danger [of a spooked black man being hunted down in a white neighborhood] was real. If George Zimmerman was not engaged in an unlawful activity [and accosting people for being black is clearly not illegal, ask the NYPD] and was attacked in any place where he had a right to be [and don't consider whether the victim also had a right to be where he was], he had no duty to retreat [stalking is absolutely permitted!] and had the right to stand his ground [get in the other guy's face] and meet force with force, including [blowing Trayvon Martin away] if he reasonably believed [being the racist that he is] that it was necessary to do so to prevent death or [to avoid being bitch-slapped by a terrified unarmed black boy].

In considering the issue of self defense you may take into consideration the relative physical abilities and capabilities of George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin [including the fact that Zimmerman has a big fat ass and needs a gun to even the playing field against what he perceived to be a nimble hoodie who had probably been shooting hoops near some dope-riddled public housing project since he was about three years old].

If in your consideration of the issue of self-defense you have a reasonable doubt on the question of whether [as an out-of-shape white woman you would be afraid if you saw a young black male roaming your neighborhood] you should find George Zimmerman not guilty [because projecting your fears onto him is completely appropriate given the big screaming gun-toting pussy that he is].

Cucci Coo

by gordita

Notwithstanding the Supreme Court’s landmark decision in Lawrence v. Texas striking down Texas’ and other states’ sodomy laws, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli is adamant that Virginia’s sodomy law is still needed to protect the morals of the citizens.

Cuccinelli

Ken “the Cootch” Cuccinelli

This has led to an interesting mesh of laws.  It is not a felony in Virginia to have sexual intercourse with a consenting minor over the age of 15. However, as Cuccinelli construes the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law, it is a felony to commit sodomy with any person under 18.*

But there is more. In Virginia, it is a felony to solicit someone to commit a felony.   So when 47-year-old Scott McDonald asked a 17-year-old female to give him oral sex (a felonious act of sodomy, according to Cuccinelli), he ran afoul of the state solicitation law. McDonald could have had intercourse with the seventeen-year-old without a problem (given that state laws making fornication punishable by a $250 fine are unenforced). But just talking with the young woman about a blow job landed him in jail and on the state’s sex offender registry.

CuccinelliPoster

Horrors!

“How does this make sense?” I ask.

“The rules in Virginia are simple and easy to follow. If you ask a minor to gobble the goop, do the loop-de-loop, do a lickety split, or let you take a trip up Bosco Boulevard, you will do time.”

“But if you actually HAVE sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old, it’s okay.”

“Yes.”

“Is group sex with a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old okay too?” I ask.

“The state has no problem with a coochie-coo choo-choo…just keep the train out of the fudge tunnel…and don’t go to the dining car.”

fudge

No Tunnel of Fudge cake allowed in the Cuccinelli household

“Mr. Cuccinelli, all of this still sounds confusing to me. Let’s try some verbal role play. I’ll be your wife.”

“OK.  Call me Cooch.  That’s  my wife’s pet name for me.”

“Oh Cooch, I really need it.  I am aching for you, baby.”

“That is way too forward, gordita.  My wife would never say those things to me.”

“OK.  Let me try again. Ummm.  I took my temperature, honey, and I think I’m ovulating.”

“Really?  Have you been cleared by your doctor to have sex?”

“Yes, honey, I just had my six-week post-natal check-up and the doctor says I’m ready to start trying for baby number eight.”

“Hubba hubba!  Let’s do it!”

Huhhhhh.  Mmmmmm.  Rustle rustle. Huhh.

“Cooch.  Are you in yet?  I can’t feel you.”

Huh huh ahhhhhhhhhh.  “Let’s pray now.”

“Pray!!!!  That was it? Are you kidding me?”

Our Father who art in heaven….

“Wait just a cotton-picking minute, Cooch! That was the sorriest coochie coo I have ever had in my life!”

“It’s the only kind of coochie coo you have ever had, honey.  We were both pure on our wedding day. Remember?”

PurityRing

“Oh. Errrr. Right. Well, in that case, I read an article about female sexual pleasure and I have to say I didn’t feel anything remotely close to what the article described. I want to try something new.”

“What exactly are you suggesting, honey? And mind you, don’t forget about Virginia’s felony solicitation laws.”

“What? You mean if I ask for you-know-what you will arrest me?”

“Darn straight I will. The Virginia sodomy law is still on the books.”

CuccinelliLaw

If Mrs. Cuccinelli asks for “you-know-what” this guy is standing by to take her in

“You’re BUSTED, Cooch!!!!!!!!!!  The only reason you are prosecuting that McDonald guy is because you don’t want to do sh*t for me in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, watch your language.  What has gotten into you?”

“Nothing has gotten into me!  You have a one-inch ding-a-ling!  I have had better sex going solo down a water slide!!!!!!!!!!”

ruler

True to scale

“Honey…..”

“Don’t honey me. I WANT A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. There is something that might give you some relief.”

“What is it?”

“Well…uh…let’s just say it’s something that pisses off Cecile Richards and is deeply pleasing to the Lord.”

“Wow. What could it be?”

TransvaginalProbe

Please tell me it vibrates

____

*Cuccinelli also insists it is wrong to have sodomy with a person over 18 and has resisted all attempts by the legislature to limit the effect of the law to children, rape, prostitution, and public indecency.

ALEC Executives Declare Open Season

by gordita

The American Legislative Exchange Counsel (ALEC) believes it has scored a big victory for sportsmen everywhere after a Florida jury’s return of a “Not Guilty” verdict in the trial of Trayvon Martin’s killer, George Zimmerman.

ALEC , a corporate sponsored organization that writes legislation and works with legislators to get it passed, wrote Florida’s Stand Your Ground law. At a victory party on Sunday night, ALEC’s president, Kilmore Bucks, explained the significance of Zimmerman’s acquittal.

“It used to be that ordinary suburban folk like Zimmerman had to be content with shooting cans with BB guns in their back yard.  Now they can hunt and kill Afri-cans right out in the open.”

I flinch.

“Do you have any idea how big a deal this is for hunters? I mean…how many of us can go to a remote place like N*ggerhead when we need to shoot something? Most of us have to go to work at our job in the city the next morning, for Crissakes.”

Broun

Kilmore Bucks showing off trophy wall

I am swirling a glass of Chardonnay with a horrified look on my face while I listen to this capullo. He blathers on.

“With the Zimmerman verdict, ALEC can now proudly take credit for opening up vast new suburban hunting areas for American sportsmen.  And sportswomen too.  We do not discriminate on the basis of gender.  No sirree.”

PalinHunt

I take a gulp of wine “I am not sure I am following you, Mr. Bucks. You’re joking, right?”

“Kilmore, please.”

“I am not sure I am following you, Kilmore.”

“Well, I am not the one you need to follow, little lady. The people you should be following are outside this room, if you catch my drift.”

Martin

I look around me.  I am the brownest person at the party.

“Jesus Christ, Kilmore! What is ALEC???  The KKK?????”

“Tchh tchh, gordita. You just don’t get it, do you?”

“No, I don’t!!!!!  Explain it to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“There is nothing to explain, gordita. We at ALEC are the Republican Party leadership and George Zimmerman is our base. If someone in our base wants to pop an Afri-can, we’re here to say, Freedom rocks!”

“Freedom rocks????? You call what Zimmerman did freedom? And what about women’s freedom, pindejo? ALEC is in bed with the AUL which is drafting all the anti-choice laws being pushed through state legislatures right now!”

“How good is the hunting if the herd is depleted?”

Madre de Dios! I start to back away.  I am looking for a clear path to the exit. It feels like firecrackers are going off in my chest. I am not sure I will make it out of this party alive.

“Relax,” says Kilmore. An easy grin spreads across his face. “You’re a doe. We keep you around to buy the face cream and baby diapers.”

Doe

This poor white-tail doe did not buy enough product

George Zimmerman Stands His Ground

images (1)

George is back in business taking care of “it”

Trayvon Martin killer George Zimmerman, who stood his ground in a court of law and was found not guilty yesterday, says he hopes to be to standing his ground and killing teenagers, preferably black assholes who always get away with it, by next weekend.

“I’ve got some things to take care of first,” says Zimmerman.  “My refrigerator is practically empty, my apartment hasn’t been cleaned for more than a year, and I have to get some scratch together so I can go down to my favorite gun shop and pick some ammo.  But I think I should be able to have all that taken care of by Friday so I can be out and about in the neighborhood stalking black teenage assholes who always get away with it by around 11 p.m. Friday.”

Martin

One less black teenage asshole we have to worry about getting away with “it”

Since Zimmerman’s murder of Martin in February of last year, Florida law has slightly adjusted its Stand Your Ground law reducing the amount of time by 15 minutes that Neighborhood Watch ground-standers may stalk black teenage assholes  thus reducing the chance of the black teenage assholes turning on them because they’re afraid for their lives.

“We reduced the allowed stalking time from two hours and 15 minutes to just two hours,” said Florida state senator, Whitey Crackerson.  “This may make it more challenging for Neighborhood Watch guys like George Zimmerman to ultimately kill unarmed black teenage assholes, but hopefully with a little resourcefulness and more judicious use of time, thoughtful vigilantes like Zimmerman can still  get the job done.”

From his perspective, Zimmerman said he hopes the change in the law won’t make that big of a difference.

“I still hope to have reached my goal of bagging 12 black teenage assholes who always get away with it by the end of the year,” said Zimmerman.

howard2010_BisonYearbook

They now have 15 minutes less to get away with “it”

Asked to define what it is in regards to “getting away with it,” Zimmerman said, “it depends on what the definition of it is.”

“They just keep getting away with it,” said Zimmerman.  “It can be any number of things.  But the important thing is, this non-guilty verdict should show that people, particularly black teenage assholes who always get away with it, should not be able to get away with it.”

What’s next for Zimmerman?

“I plan to write a book and then go on a speaking tour to speak out against  it and how much people, particularly black teenage assholes, should not be getting away with it.”

The title is tentatively called “It is It and It’s Gotta Stop Especially if Black Teenage Assholes Who are Getting  Away With It are Still Getting Away With It.”

As far as the nation is concerned, this verdict could have wide-ranging implications depending, of course, on what the definition of it is.

“Those implications could affect the outcome on cases going back 50 years,” said “Killer of People Doing It” historian, Dr. Lar G. Rection.  “The Zimmerman case could exonerate James Earl Ray who killed Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for doing it,” he said.  “And we all know those three civil rights workers in Mississippi in 1964 were doing it.  Thus, it’s very possible the white, fat, redneck racists who killed them did so justifiably.  Medger Evers was doing it and Emmett Till was doing it,” said Dr. Rection.  “We can’t strictly say that the killers were Stand Your Ground heroes like Zimmerman because the Stand Your Ground law did not exist yet but if we re-examine the evidence we may find that all of the victims had Skittles and ice tea the night they died.”

_40932687_mississippi_238

Two white and one black teenage assholes who didn’t get away with “it”

PriceRainey

Free at last, free at last…thank God almighty they’re free at last

When reminded that Skittles didn’t exist in the 60’s when all of those people were murdered, Dr. Rection said, “it has yet to be determined what the victims had and when they had it. And I have to add that murder is a very judgmental word.”

“We just need to go back and look at these cases and see if we can’t get to the bottom of it so we can find all of these killers not guilty,” he added.

nat_james_earl_ray_040513

No telling if Dr. King was doing “it” which is what James Earl Ray was trying say from the get-go.

Snowden Surfaces in Moscow Subway

No, not THAT kind of subway…..but a Subway Restaurant in the Transit area of  the Moscow Airport where Ed Snowden has been working as assistant manager since arriving from Hong Kong.

“Eddie makes a mean meatball marinara….the best I’ve ever had,” said manager Igor Kutchacockoff.  “And he’s fast….faster than any sandwich maker I’ve ever seen which is why we started calling him Fast Eddie.”

A few famous people have even come around to see what the fuss is all about.

“President Putin surprised us all the other day when he just comes out of nowhere….like a spy or something….and orders one of Eddie’s meatball marinara’s,” said Kutchacockoff.  “He was so impressed that the next thing I know he and about three big guys with dark sunglasses are all back in my office with the doors closed with a bunch of laptops and stuff. They told me they wanted Eddie to teach them how to make sandwiches the way that he does. They were back there for almost six hours which seems like a long time to teach someone how to make a sandwich….but Eddie’s the man.”

President Putin wants to learn ALL about Eddie's sandwiches....((wink wink))

President Putin wants to learn ALL about Eddie’s sandwiches….((wink wink))

“Fast Eddie” Snowden’s miraculous turn-a-around from most wanted man in the Universe to best foot-long sandwich maker this side of the Ural Mountains began no sooner than his arrival to the Moscow Airport.

“It so happened that the first place Snowden stopped was OUR  Subway shop,” Kutchacockoff said proudly.  “And he ordered a Chicken Teriyaki…. but then started bitching about the way the sandwich was made.  Apparently one of our newer guys, Ivan Fucinoff, accidentally put SWEET peppers on his sandwich instead of hot peppers and Eddie started bitching him out.  Next thing I know, he’s behind the goddamn counter whipping out foot-longs and slapping together ingredients like I’ve never seen before showing the entire crew how to do it.  They all just stood there mesmerized.  So I just fired Fuckinoff on the spot and hired Eddie as a crew member.  A week later, he’s my assistant manager.  Let me tell you, this guy’s going places.”

Subway manager

Subway manager, Igor Kutchacockoff says Eddie’s the best…and fastest sandwich maker he’s ever seen. “He’s the fastest gun in the East….hahahahahaha,” laughed Kutchacockoff.

edward_snowden.jpg.size.xxlarge.promo

Russian fans of Snowden’s meatball marinara hold up signs of support

But apparently not TOO many places since Snowden, without a workable passport, is marooned indefinitely in the no-man’s land of Moscow Airport’s transit zone….which is fine with Manager Kutchacockoff.

“Eddie will have his own Subway franchise someday,” said Kutchacockoff.  “You can bet on it.”

Kutchacockoff, however, does have one problem with Snowden.

“I can’t keep him from giving away our secret sandwich ingredients,” he said. “Eddie tells every one of our customers what’s REALLY in the sandwiches they’re eating and I can’t get him to stop.  He told some guy who ordered a tuna foot-long today that he had a better chance of finding a Russian who didn’t drink vodka than finding tuna in his sandwich,” which Kutchacockoff admitted is 99 % carp and Alaskan Pollack.

“I’d tell you what’s in the meatballs of Eddie’s specialty, the meatball marinara,” said Kutchacockoff…..”but you don’t want to know.”

A spokesperson for the Kremlin said today that President Putin will allow Snowden to stay assistant manager of the airport Subway so long as he stops giving away their secrets.

“President Putin doesn’t want Mr. Snowden to further damage Russia’s relations with Subway,” said the spokesperson.

Kutchacockoff said he can’t get Snowden to stop giving away his secrets but it doesn’t seem to matter anyway.

“Russians are like Americans,” he said.  “You put enough cheap cheese and sauce on something, then people will eat anything.”

subway-eat-fresh

Eat Fresh….more or less

Where is Southpaw?

Oh where oh where has my little dog gone?

Beaglewithcast

With any luck, folks, he will be back in form after mid-July.  He broke his writing arm!

Edward Snowden Fired

Edward-Snowden-NSA-spy-scandal_tp3-feature-three

Snowden fired

In an unprecedented move of historic proportions, Edward Snowden was fired today from the National Security Agency where he was employed for three months.

“It’s extremely unusual for an employee of Mr. Snowden’s stature, capability, and tenure to be fired,” said former NSA Chief, General Michael Hayden. “It’s both perplexing and disturbing and makes me wonder if the agency, and other government agencies for that matter, will soon just begin firing people indiscriminately.  I can tell you this, that if I was still in charge, Ed would be down the hallway right this minute in his cubicle doing I.T. work and it would be business as usual.”

“Of course I’m stunned,” said Snowden, who was reached at an undisclosed location.  “I was a great and dedicated employee the entire three months I worked at the NSA and I was only late a half dozen times all of which had to do with fucking Honolulu traffic (where Snowden worked and lived) which is getting shittier every day by the way most of which is because of the goddamn construction they’ve been doing forever over on I-78 right over close to where I used to work.  So if you you want to blame it on anything, blame it on the traffic.”

“Anyway, when I heard on the news today that I had been fired I was surprised….and then I was pissed,” added Snowden.  “I mean, what the fuck does someone have to do to keep his job these days?  Plus, I still have to pick up all of my shit that I left in my desk to include my Ipod, this big bag of organic granola I just bought like two days ago, and my collection of Spiderman comics that I’ve had since I was a kid.   If any of my coworkers are listening right now….please leave my shit alone until I have a chance to swing by and pick it up.  Please !”

ed snowden

A despondent Ed Snowden outside of his hotel in an undisclosed location after finding out of his firing from the NSA. “One day you’re working…..the next day you’re not,” said Snowden.

“I pretty surprised by it too,” said Ben E Haha, one of Snowden’s cubicle co-workers at the NSA.  “Ed made great coffee.  He brought in his expresso machine and used to make the best coffee I’ve ever tasted said HaHa.  Until Ed came along, the coffee sucked.”

“It must have been because of that gym bag,” said Snowden’s manager at the NSA, Glady’s Kravitz, who said Snowden used to wear the same gym clothes day after day and bring them to work in a smelly bag stinking up the whole office.

Glady

NSA manager Gladys Kravitz reacts to Snowden’s firing

“That’s the only thing I can think of,” said Kravitz.  “Other than that, Ed did everything he was supposed to do.”

Snowden said he will most likely sue.

“You give your life to an organization and this is the thanks you get,” said Snowden.   “Plus they gave me zero notice.  And I had to hear about it on TV.  Who knows who else was watching that and now knows I’m out of work.  My girlfriend could have been hearing that for christsake.  And btw, in case anyone out there is listening to this right now and needs a a decent I.T. guy, I’m available   I know how to set up networks as good as anyone.  Plus, I can set up your computer so that you can spend as much time on Facebook or Ebay without your boss even knowing about it.  Believe me, that’s appealing to most people.  So, if you’re interested, I can be reached at Ed.Snowden83@aol.com.  Please get in touch w/ me and I’ll send you my resume.  Thanks.  And fuck the NSA.”

The Land of Rand

“Okay children that’s it for tonight.  Time for bed.”

“Awww grandpa…..please!! Just tell us ONE MORE STORY!”

“Wellllll, ooookay…but just onnnne more…and then it’s off to bed.”

“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!”

“Children….long, long ago…this great land of ours wasn’t so great.  And this great land of freedom that you all have grown up in was once ruled by a tyrannical man whose skin color was BLACK!!!”

Grandfather_telling_a_story_to_Grandchildren-iStock_000008456269XSmall-300x200

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Grandpa, I’m scared.”

“Ahh hahahahahahahaha. Nothing to be scared of little one.  You’re surrounded by white neighbors with more guns than they know what to do with.  And what do you think this is in my lap?  Why it’s an AK-47 and I keep it with me at allll times.  Why you two have Glock 9′ mm’s right there sitting next to  you.  Did you forget how to use em?!”

“Tee hee, no Grandpa,” the five and six year old said sheepishly.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Well then, let me continue with my story.  Our freedom was once ruled by a black devil, and….”

“But Grandpa, I thought our land of freedom had gotten rid of all the black and brown faces long, long ago.”

“Hahahahahaha!  Amber, of course we got rid of those a long time ago so don’t you fret.   I’m talking about many years ago when the people ran wild in the streets trying to take away our freedoms and the very guns that you have sitting next to you at this moment.  They tried to take away prayer and Jesus, and God and your right to eat Big Macs three times a day and drink all the Pepsi you want which, thankfully, thanks to the freedoms we enjoy today, you can drink right out of your faucet  instead of water that the black-faced man they called Obama, but who we now know as Lucifer, tried to make us drink.”

Lucifer

Lucifer

“Grandpa, what’s water?”

“Children, we don’t much talk about that these days….but it was a nasty liquid that the black face Muslim Lucifer tried to force upon us many years ago.  But our freedom fighters fought for our Pepsi and our donuts and our pizza and cheeseburgers and fries…..and, of course, our prayer. “

“So a man with black skin actually existed Grandpa…and actually ruled our land?”

(((SHUDDER)))!! “Yes children….for it was an evil time when this man we call Lucifer tried to push us into health care that we can afford and better edumacation and better social programs and better food and all things we don’t believe in that are against freedom and God.”

“What’s health care and edumacation Grandpa?”

“Well you don’t have to worry about any of those things children cause God took care of all of that and he continues to take care of all of that.”

“Grandpa, what happened to the black faces?”

“Children, thanks to our history’s greatest freedom fighter, we were able to push them and all of the brown faces too right out of our new land and now they are all back to where they need to be away for us.”

“Where is that Grandpa?”

“The black faces are all imprisoned in a place called Alabamalandria far far away from here.  We don’t know WHAT they do there…and we don’t want to know.  And the brown faces are in another forbidden zone known as Texslyvania where legend has it that they, too, practice the evil and voodoo practices of health care and edumacation all in their master plan to try and take away yours and my many, many guns.”

“Now then children…that’s enough for tonight.  Time for bed.”

“But Grandpa….what about our late night snack?”

“Okay….here’s enough freedom tokens for each of you for just three Whoppers apiece now from the Burger King machine in the kitchen…and NO MORE, you understand! Otherwise you won’t have any appetite for your midnight snack of a bucket of KFC….and we can’t have that!”

“Hahahahahahahaha. Grandpa you’re so funny.”

“But before you go let’s all recite the Pledge to our founding father”:

(((“I pledge allegiance to the Gun of the United State of Rand….and to the Republic, in which Rand stands, one nation, under God, in morbid obesity and justice for all whites.”)))

Father of our country

Father of our country

kids-saying-pledge

Not a black face among them. Thank God !

“Now off to bed!.  Good night children.  Make sure to lock and load and sleep tight and white.”

I’ll be back….

ThinkerToilet

In case any of the three (or less) loyal readers of this ridiculous blog are  wondering (which I’m certain you’re not) where we’ve been, well….to put it delicately, I’ve just been busier than a motherfucker with other shit.

In any case, don’t worry (not that you do)….I’ll be back with more worthless and pointless drivel as soon as I can find the time to write such tripe (which only takes a few seconds to write anyway…so what’s the problem you say?)

As they say: “A terrible mind is a thing to waste”….or was that “A thing of a terrible mind is to waste”….or maybe “A mind of a waste is a terrible thing”…..or “A waste is a terrible thing to mind”….or….

FUCK IT!!!!  Never mind

Rand Paul Kicks Nathan Deal in the Nuts

by gordita

...

Energized by what Republicans are calling an epic appearance at Howard University, 2016 Presidential hopeful Rand Paul was dismayed to hear that Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is characterizing a grass-roots protest against all-white high school proms as Democratic rabble-rousing. So dismayed was he, in fact, that he kicked the governor in the nuts.

[Re-enactment of what Senator Paul did to Governor Deal's nuts.]

“The record is abundantly clear,” said Paul, “Democrats stand for Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes…you name it.  They are the bane of the Negro race. Long story short, Nathan Deal got his bacts fackward so I kicked him in the nuts.  Or, since there could be ladies present, maybe I should say I nicked him in the kucks. Ha ha ha ha.

“I’m a lady, Senator Paul.”

“Not according to what I’ve heard, gordita. Ha ha ha.”

“Moving right along, Senator. Do you have any examples of Democrats actually hurting blacks? I thought that was pretty much a Republican past time.”

“You mean other than the Democrats’ soft bigotry of low expectations? Sure. Take for example, this statement by a prominent Democratic governor:

And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that theres not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.

“Honestly, gordita, have you ever heard anything more racist and disgusting in your whole life? Well, have you?”

“Senator, that was a statement in 1948 by the late Strom Thurmond, a long-time Republican.”

...

“WRONG, gordita. Strom Thurmond did not become a Republican until 1964! The Democrats own him!”

“And I suppose we Democrats also own Jesse Helms, another racist Dixiecrat who became a Republican?”

...

“Damn straight, gordita.”

“So do we own all of your racist assholes?”

“You bet, gordita. Because every single one of them either used to be a Democrat or certainly would have been a Democrat if he had been around during the Jim Crow era.”

“I’m having some problems with that statement, Senator. But maybe this is a good time for you to explain what your problem is with Democrat-turned-Republican, Nathan Deal. You say you kicked him in the nuts?”

“I did. And after what I did to his manhood, people are going to be calling him Nathan Squeal. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Can you tell us why you did that?”

“Because, gordita, he’s a racist Democrat who is not giving proper credit to Republicans who are the true friends of the colored folk.”

“Deal is a racist Republican asshole who has done nothing to stop Georgia’s segregated proms. The people in Georgia who are fighting segregation are all Democrats. So it sounds like you have all your bacts fackward. Or maybe I should talk like a normal person and say facts backward.”

“Gordita, you can talk like a normal person all you want but it still does not change the fact that Jim Crow was invented by Democrats. And that’s why every black with valid picture ID who can get his lazy ass to the polls should vote Republican.”

“Senator, isn’t it a fair statement that a majority of the white racist pigs in the Democratic Party waddled into the Republican barnyard at least 20 years ago and have been as happy there as hogs in slop? Can we agree to that?”

“I’m not going to agree to that, gordita. ‘Cause if I did I would have to kick myself where I kicked Governor Squeal.  And I am not about to do that because I need cojones to talk to rooms full of black people…and because ….”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trQVzrP1Ijs&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DtrQVzrP1Ijs&has_verified=1

[My name is Rand Paul and I approve this message.]

Weekly News Briefs from the South

map

Alabama:  Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”

“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.

“After the bill passes on Monday,  any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.

map (1)

Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere.  Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.

“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun.  “In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”

(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)

(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).

scnewzz

South Carolina: Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)

“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”

“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley.  “It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.

Senate Agrees to Talk about Talk

800px-111th_US_Senate_class_photo

The Senate is now in the first stages of talking about the possibility of talking about discussions of talk

Gridlocks are the norm these days in Washington politics.  But every now and then miracles happen and one happened today which is being hailed as nothing less than a breakthrough of epic proportions:

The U.S. Senate, in bipartisan fashion, agreed today to talk about talk in the talk on guns in the U.S.

“I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed, along with 12 of my Republican colleagues, to talk about the possibility of talking about talks on talking about talks on guns in the U.S.,” said Tennessee Senator Bob Corker.

“Talking about talk about the possibility of talking about talk is the kind of talk we like talking about,” said Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal of  Connecticut.

“Is it something you’d like to talk more about?” I asked South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, one of 13 Republican Senators agreeing to talking about the possibility of talking about talk.”

“Right now I’m not really free to talk about taking about the talks that we’re talking about possibly having but once I know more information about the possibility of talking, I’ll be releasing talking points of what I hope will be the sorts of things we hope to talk about,” said Graham.

Asked whether the visit this week of survivors of the December Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school made a difference in their decision to support talks about the possibility of talking about talking, Senator Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, said yes.

“Obviously we were affected emotionally after talking with the victims families,” said Chambliss.  “They expressed their concern about whether we plan to talk about this emotional issue so we told them we do plan to talk soon about talking about the possibility of talking about talks because if we don’t talk, not much can be accomplished in the way of talking about talks.  As I told these wonderful families, I didn’t come to Washington just to talk.  I came here to talk about talking because talking is the best way to get to the possibility of talking about talks.”

Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking

Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking

Senator Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Orin Hatch, and a number of other Republicans do not support talking about talk.

“We just don’t believe anything is accomplished by talking about talk or even the remote possibility of talking about the possibility of talking about talk because talking is regarded as socialism in the great state of Texas,” said Cruz.

Asked why he feels talking or even talking about talk is regarding as socialism in Texas, Cruz simply replied:

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Rick Warren’s Son Explains

Police released the letter today that Matthew Warren son of mega-Evangelist, Rick Warren, left behind. Warren died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound last week:

matthew-warren

Dear Everyone,

I’m sorry I’m doing this but YOU try being the son of a pasty-white, fat-ass pussy who is as phony as a three-dollar bill.  I’d just had enough of it….that’s all. Yes, I was depressed as hell. But here’s a news flash:  I was depressed because I was the son of this asshole.  “A Purpose Driven Life.”  HA!!!  More like “A Money Driven Life.”  To all of you fucked-up suckers out there who think my fat asshole of a father is in this for God, LOL !! I got some oceanfront property in Nebraska to sell you.  This guy is in it for one thing and one thing only…MONEY !!!!!!  Did you know that this guy doesn’t even BELIEVE in God?!?!  He’d come home every Sunday after one of his fucked-up sermons and talk and laugh for hours about how taking money from his “flock” was like shooting fish in a barrel. Believe me everyone….this fat bastard is giving all of you “A Purpose Driven Ass-Fucking.” So don’t feel bad for me because I never have to see this fuck and his dumb goatee again or listen to another word of his horseshit.  As for those of you who are his followers…you should feel sorry for yourselves because you are still going to be around for this dick to ram you up the ass and take your money.  So goodbye and good luck.   You’ll need it.  Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.

Matthew Warren

Margaret Thatcher

margaret_thatcher_0

1925-2013

Ugly, divisive, cruel, nasty, mean, inept, wicked.

Good riddance…and rot in history…alongside your soul mate Ronald Reagan.

Rick Perry Comes Clean About Tragic Mix-Up

by gordita

jesus_is_coming

For the forty percent of you Americans who think Jesus will return by 2050, Governor Rick Perry of Texas has some terrible news for you. Jesus already came…and Texas mistakenly executed him.

I fucked up

I f*cked up

Until last week, Governor Perry was fiercely proud of his record as the governor with the greatest number of executions.  “Two hundred fifty-three is a kill number I could write home about…until I found out that one of those was Jesus. Now I can only write home about 252,” said a contrite Governor Perry.

“But you already knew the guy you executed was Jesus.   It said on the warrant that that was his name,” I countered.

“Yeah, but that Jesus looked like a Mexican.  He had black hair and black eyes. How was I supposed to know that Mexican-looking guy was the real Jesus? The real Jesus had blue eyes, for Christ’s sake.”

This is the guy we were looking for!

This is the guy we thought was coming back

“Er…Jesus almost certainly did not have blue eyes. He was a Jew. He had dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair, just like Middle Eastern Jews today.”

“Damn!”

“Governor, can you tell us what Jesus was executed for?”

“What was Jesus executed for? What is anybody executed for? Murder. Or taking part in a felony where somebody got killed.”

“Yes, but what was it exactly that Jesus did?”

“He went into this church in Lubbock that was having a God, Guns, and the Gospel Celebration and he got all agitated and started turning over Christian Book Fair tables where they were selling this terrific book called, The Persecution of Sarah Palin. He started saying filthy things like, God damn America! and the next thing you know, somebody pulled out a gun to try and stop him and the youth minister BJ got accidentally shot in the chest. It was a terrible terrible tragedy. And would never have happened if ….”

BJ gave it to God

BJ went with God…and with countless little boys in the Youth Group

“BJ would not have been shot if Jesus had not lost his temper and started turning over tables?”

“Damn right. Jesus had no business getting pissy with good church-going people in Lubbock. He should have been smiting the feminists and homos. If he had kept his eyes blue and focused on doing the Lord’s work there wouldn’t have been a mix-up.”

Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos

Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos

“I see. So what exactly was the felony you pinned on Jesus?”

“Huh?”

“There has to be an underlying felony conviction in a felony murder case. What was the felony?”

“Oh. Interfering with a person’s right to bear arms. And malicious slander of a Christian. He said a few things about BJ that were not very nice.”

“Those aren’t the sorts of offenses that give rise to felony murder! It has to be something like rape or kidnapping!”

“Well, he could have appealed the conviction if he had wanted to.”

“He didn’t fight what was clearly an unlawful conviction?”

jesus home

“Naw, he kept saying that he was sick of sacrificing himself for morons and he just wanted to go the f*ck home.  He said God needed to find another patsy ’cause he was f*cking done.”

“Those words didn’t give you a hint that he was Jesus? He as much as told you who he was and you killed him, man. You must feel terrible.”

“Yeah maybe, but, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing I am forgiven.”

redeemed-and-forgiven

“I’ve got news for you, Governor. Jesus is done with us. Forgiven doesn’t mean squat now. We are on our own.”

Save it. Jesus has checked out.

Sorry, dude

Sorry about your back, dude

Have at it. Jesus doesn't care anymore.

Have at it. Jesus doesn’t care anymore.

Don’t worry…..God’s got it….

jesus-resurrection

…so where the fuck is he then?  That’s what everyone would like to know.

Here we are on the cusp of yet another Easter when this motherfucker is supposed to show.  And for about the 10 thousandth year in a row, it looks like he’s gonna be a no show…AGAIN!!

FUCK!!!!!!

The world, especially the U.S., is going to hell in a handbasket with queers marrying queers, an illegal alien President trying to take all of our guns away, Mexicans taking over everything as far as the eye can see, and the “Christ” being taken right the fuck out of Christmas.  And nobody’s doing a goddamn thing about it.

man-praying

Year after year, all the prayer in the world….

“When you need him most he just won’t show the fuck up and we’ve been waiting around for this guy to show forever” said Willie-Buster Cherry of Crotchrot, Mississippi.

woman praying silhoutte

….don’t seem to do…..

“Crawdads are scarce….ain’t been a goddamn good catfish crop in more than two years in the lake over yonder, prices are going up at Wal-Mart everyday….and niggers and Mexican’s are taking over EVERYTHING!  Queers are getting married!! Where’s God when you need him…that’s what I’d like to know,” added a thoughtful Cherry.

...no good

…any good

People all over the place, particularly in the deep southern part of the U.S., have had it up to here waiting for God to make a return appearance to earth and a lot of people are beginning to ask their elected representatives to do something about it.

“I’m sick of waiting,” said Claude Balls also of Crotchrot.  “All my life, my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, they’ve been telling us that God is coming back and we wait and wait and wait and nothing….and we’re all getting fucking sick of it.  We’re even starting to think he’s not coming at all.”

redneck_mentor

Frustrated by yet another God no-show, Willie Buster Cherry and Claude Balls of Mississippi do what they do best…..relax

“We’re pretty patient people down here in Mississippi but what the fuck does it take?” said Cherry. “I’m nearly 70 and I’m sick and disabled and I’m starting to wonder if I’m even gonna be around when God shows up.  Every single Sunday Preacher keeps telling us that God is coming…God is coming.  We put all this money in the collection plate thinking he’s coming….and then he just don’t come.”

“So you DO think he’s gonna show up…..but you just think it’s a question of when?”

“Exactly.  Of course we all know God’s coming sooner or later….but we would just like to know when! If someone says they’re gonna do something, down here in Mississippi we take a man at his word.”

“Why…..sometimes I begin to wonder whether or not he….”

“…exists at all?” I said finishing the inbred cracker’s sentence for him.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?! Of COURSE NOT!! I was gonna say……whether or not God is not coming because he’s pissed at us for being the sinners we are.”

“So you think God is just pissed and disgusted by queers getting married and Mexican’s taking over everything?’

“We figure that’s gotta be the reason…..least wise, that’s what Preacher says on Sunday.  And he says it’s important for all of us to give as much as we can to the collection plate each Sunday so we can help God to change things once he does come. But I’m beginning to  wonder where all that money me and everyone else is giving the preacher each Sunday is going cause every year God don’t show up for this resurrection thing on Easter.”

We here at Southpaw Beagle wish, too, that God would show up already and fix things and end this silly notion that some people are spreading that all religion is a farce, preachers, priests, rabbis, and all the rest of the people who preach the word of God are carpetbaggers, pedophiles, perverts, degenerates, and liars, who exist because stupid fucking Americans continue to believe in a myth in the sky, and the U.S. is really just a den of debauchery and deceit with no redeeming qualities.  Because of course we know that can’t be true.

religious-easter-clip-art_1364139395

Happy fucking Easter.

Pope Francis Now Condemns “Dirty War”

628x471

Pope Francis said today that he was really pissed when someone recently told him that more than 30 thousand people were tortured, “disappeared,” and murdered during Argentina’s infamous “Dirty War” between 1976 and 1983. According to the Pope, if he had just KNOWN about what was going he would probably have done something to try and stop it.

The new Pope, who was then known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio and rose to become Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was a priest during this period of state-sponsored terrorism.

3024-Pope’s-election-revives-row-over-Argentine-junta

Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now The Pope, says he never knew he was “palling around with terrorists.”

“Hey, I was a pretty busy guy back then just trying to live my life,” said the Pope in an interview with us.

Living my life with Francisco Videla

Living my life with junta leader Jorge Videla

“I did see a lot more activity back then from some group that called itself, I believe, ‘The Junta’….but I didn’t think much of it. Actually, it made me feel pretty safe in the streets to see them around.  Almost daily I’d see the military grabbing some guy at a bus stop, or in the library, at soccer games….even at church and then dragging them away.  I never thought anything of it. I figured whoever it was they were grabbing must have done something wrong or were just held overnight to sleep off a good drunk.  I was just thankful they were keeping us safe, that’s all.”

“Didn’t they even haul away people you had known for years?” I asked.

“Yea a few people,” said the Pope.  “They took away one of my deacons once…a guy named Jesus I knew for 20 years.  And they grabbed my neighbor Rodolfo who I used to play pinochle with every Friday night for 15 years.”

“Did you ever see them again?”

“Now that you mention it, no I didn’t.  I always kind of wondered what might have happened to those guys. I’ll have to look them up….maybe drop em a Christmas card.”

The Pope said The Junta even asked him to help them out from time to time in their nation-wide campaign to teach non-swimmers how to swim.

This 30 March, 1976, file photo shows Argentine Ge

The Pope says he thought these guys were his friends. He says now he would like to tell them a thing or two like “you fellows should be ashamed of yourselves….but let us pray.”

“The Junta were really good guys who wanted to give swimming lessons to some of our fellow countrymen who didn’t know how to swim,” said the Pope. “So they would take these guys in plane rides over the our beautiful Rio De La Plata or even the Atlantic Ocean and they asked me to come along every now and then to help make these guys feel less nervous about being pushed out of the plane at 4000 feet.  I even helped push some of the more nervous guys and it really made me feel good to be doing my part for them.”

"Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up," said the Pope...."but WTF, who was I to question The Junta."

“Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up,” said the Pope….”but WTF, who was I to question The Junta.”

“Did that ever strike you as a rather unorthodox way to teach people to swim?”

“Well, it did strike me as little high up….I mean, the highest I had ever seen was like the eight foot diving board at my apartment complex.  But who am I to question such a group of great guys who are trying to help out their fellow man?”

“How many people did you help ‘teach’ to swim?”

“I went on maybe 10 trips and we must have pushed about 18 guys out a plane load.  So I would say I helped at least a couple hundred guys learn to swim who otherwise wouldn’t know how today.  I felt good about that and I felt like I was doing God’s work.”

“Have you spoken to any of those guys since….or even seen them?”

“Come to think of it no….but I just figured they had all moved on with their lives and were now out there teaching others.  Needless to say if I had known these guys were plunging 4000 feet to their deaths, I probably would have tried to at least talk to the pilot of the plane about it or something.  I mean, like, WTF?!   So I’m kind of pissed about the whole thing and now I just feel used quite frankly.  Those guys in The Junta always seemed pretty squared away and straight shooters to me.  If I had known maybe I would have told them to knock it off or something.”

“We were able to find one guy who somehow survived his ‘swimming lesson’– Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez–a left-wing poet and now a quadriplegic who says he doesn’t remember much about his ‘incident’ in Dec of 1978….but he says he does remember the Pope.”

jaime-daremblum

Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez says he happy the Pope is from Argentina….but thinks he’s a stupid dick for falling for The Junta’s bullshit.

“Yea sure…I remember him.  I mean I was half drugged out of my mind but I’ll never forget the Pope, who of course wasn’t a Pope then and a much younger guy, giving me a bunch of Hail Marys before pushing me out the back of that fucking plane into ice cold water.  Luckily a fishing boat happened to come along and fish me out of there…but I was pretty fucked up by then and I can tell you that I sure as shit didn’t learn how to swim.”

“So, in effect, Pope, you didn’t do shit to stop the ‘Dirty War’ and, if anything, were complicit….is that correct?”

“As my spokesman has repeatedly noted, no credible proof has ever been adduced against me.”

“I mean, didn’t the name ‘Dirty War’ even strike you as a little odd?”

“Not really…..I mean during wars soldiers get dirty and muddy and stuff.  I figured that’s how they got the name.  And as far as me not ‘doing shit,’ I was busy as hell giving mass, hearing confessions of 80-year-old women, washing the feet of poor and sick people, organizing bake sales, car washes, and other fund raisers, committing sex offenses with alter boys, and a whole lot more.  Why I bet during this war I never got more than eight hours sleep a night with all of the noise and shit that was going on outside.”

“You seem like a coward, Pope Francis…..but if that’s unfair or overly harsh I apologize.”

“That’s okay son…now, let’s do what I do best and let’s pray together because that is my answer to everything.”

The Vatican’s Stunning Choice

images

Pope Feces

The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope  instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.

‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.  

Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old  Donald O’Conner movies of the 50’s.

MV5BMTk2ODkxNDYzN15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMTIzMDUxMQ@@._V1_SX214_

“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.

Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.

“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. “The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”

“That sounds impossible.  How do you expect to do that?” I asked.

“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained.  “Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year.  Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse.  Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year.  Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”

Ration card sample

Sex abuse ration card sample

Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.

After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby “Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill”  for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.

“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov.  “Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off.   I mean, the guy’s had a long day.  But tomorrow  he’ll be ready to do the business of the  one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”

 

Pope Vote

20130312-124906

White smoke means a pasty, old,perverted white guy has been selected

Attention Cardinals….please cast your vote from the list of nominees listed below:

1.) Cardinal from Italy:  40 years in the church who began molesting alter boys as a 22-year-old priest;  is a traditional homophobe and is dead set again women in the church.

2.) Cardinal from Canada:  Has more than 100 under-aged molestations to his credit; 30 years in the church;  Good with his hands, especially when it comes to ass-grabbing of boys aged 14 and under.

3.) Cardinal from America:  41 years in the church who rose through the Catholic ranks by looking the other way while over 150 priests under his jurisdiction committed sex crimes with under aged choir boys;  Has over 200 molestations to his own credit.

4.)  Cardinal from The Philippines:   Reverent and committed to the church….as well as to the molestation of boys at the youngest ages possible.  Coined the phrase, “Sex after Eight and it’s too late.”

5.)  Cardinal from Argentina:  Committed to the Catholic Church with a “hands on” approach to his faith….especially if it means “hands on” young boy asses which he has had his hands on more than 450 times during his decades in the church.

Please select one of the following perverts listed above by circling their name and then casting your vote as quickly as possible so that we can get on with the business of wide-spread corruption, debauchery, secrecy, and perversion of the highest order.

Black smoke means,well, pretty much the same fucking thing as white smoke

Black smoke means,well, pretty much the same fucking thing as white smoke

Latest from Rome….an Atheist’s Perspective

vatican1

It’s getting tense in Rome as the largest group of sleazy, creepy, fucked-up, filthy old pedophiles ever to gather in one place, in what is known as a papal conclave, are close to selecting the next sleazebag to head their fucked-up, racist, homophobic,  misogynistic piece-of-shit church.

The so-called conclave, which essentially is a meeting of the College of Cardinal pedophiles, convened to elect the next creepy, young boy-ass-grabbing old bastard, is really just an excuse for a whole bunch of sexually-depraved old cocksuckers to gather with like-minded perverts on a junket in one of the most beautiful cities on earth so they make their fucked-up archdioceses back home think they’re there to do the people’s business when in reality they’re just having a Euro circle jerk of epic proportions.

jonaic12a

“Hey, do any of you fuckers know where I can find Amanda Hugandkiss?”
“ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!”

While reporting on location outside of the fucked-up Vatican, I managed to coral     one pedophile Cardinal, Ivan Whackinoff from Croatia.

Cardinal Ivan Whackinoff

Cardinal Ivan Whackinoff

“Excuse me sir, how’s the Conclave going so far?”

“Ah, it’s going well my son….it’s going well….and with God’s will, we will have selected a Holy Father soon.”

“How many circle jerks have you old fuckers had so far and what’s been the biggest one?”

“Well, funny you ask cause we had a great one just last night as a matter of fact.”

“What happened?”

“There were about 20 of us and we’d been drinking see….and a Cardinal from Canada starting talking about some of his choir boy escapades and then other guys started chiming in with their stories and then one thing led to another and the next thing you know we were in a big circle with our pants down and our dicks in our hands and we just started going to town.”

“Who was the pivot man….you must have had a pivot man?”

“We were pretty wasted so I don’t remember his name but I think it was some Cardinal from America.”

Cardinals enter the Sistine Chapel at th

With the lord’s business done for the day, this motley crew heads to the papacy steam room where they plan on …..well, you don’t want to know.

“No surprise there….right?”

“No of course not….the Americans are always the best at facilitating group jerks.”

“Do you think one’s ability to facilitate a circle jerk will in any way influence your vote for the next Pope?”

“Of course….that’s probably the biggest thing with most of us.  But there are other things that factor in such as how well one dresses up in women’s clothes, how well they’re able to exhibit ‘reach around’ techniques with under-age boys, how quickly they can whip it out…which at the age of most of us, and given our mostly shriveled up state, is no small feat.”

“So have you guys done ANYTHING constructive since you’ve been in Rome besides sit around and swap stories about how many young boys you’ve cornholed over the years?”

“Not really except bitch about how broke all of us are and about how fewer and fewer people are coming to our churches.”

“So, let me ask you an existential question:  do you guys get your rocks off more by literally fucking young boys or by figuratively mind-fucking  the millions in your respective flocks around the work by continuing to perpetuate the myth of a man in the sky and all the rest of the bullshit you guys try to sell poor suckers who trust you and don’t know any better while you’re ripping them off in mind, body, and soul?”

60-1bPg7g.AuSt.55

“So Fred, you fucked many good youngsters this year?”
“Not as many this year as the year before Hal. It’s been a shitty year for the church.  How ’bout you?”

“Well, I can’t speak for everyone else but I get my rocks off equally with both.”

“Good to hear.  I know you have business to take care of, Father, so I’ll let you go. I mean, in the big scheme of things there’s absolutely NOTHING more important than electing another Pope because heaven forbid we go one more helpless moment with an empty throne in the Vatican, right?”

“God bless you son….I’ll pray for you.”

“Yea, you do that.”

Watch This

This video has more than two million hits but it is not enough.

Pussy Face Erectus

Famed anthropologist, Dr. I. Yankit, who discovered pussy face erectus explains its uniqueness, history, and evolution to his students at MIT:

“Ladies and gentleman…it is in this being that we have essentially discovered the missing link between regular people and the legions of pussy American men who are soulless, evangelical eunuchs.”

Dr. I. Yankit

Dr. I. Yankit

“Is it a he or she, doctor?”

“Well, that would be the million dollar question, Mr. Smithers, to which there are no easy answers.  Therefore, I have simply been referring to it as it.  Notice the large hips and waist similar to those of a woman…and the petite hands with no visible signs of ever having done any labor of any kind in its life…that is, except for the curious callouses on its right hand suggesting less of labor and more of it having spent an extraordinary amount of time gratifying itself….perhaps as much as 18 times a day.”

ted-cruz

Pussy Face Erectus

“What about its sex organs doctor…does it have any?”

“Another good question.  Pussy face erectus SEEMS to have the penis of a male….yet it is one of the smallest recorded in history on a male specimen.  For that reason I’m unable to fully determine its gender.”

“What about its face, Professor?  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Well that is because there never HAS been anything like it, Mr. Smithers.  Notice the pasty and puffy cherub cheeks as well as the sharp nose.  Notice the beady, cold, and expressionless eyes and the thin lips and small, sharp teeth not entirely unlike those of a man-eating piranha.  Then there are the jowls underneath its chin.  Notice the hanging bags of fat historically found almost exclusively underneath the chins of fat, carpet-bagging, pedophilic, southern evangelical preachers.”

...notice jowls, sharp and small teeth...and thin lips

…notice jowls, sharp and small teeth…and thin lips

“So, Professor….you earlier stated that you could ascertain the personality of pussy face erectus based on its body type and facial features.”

“Absolutely Ms. Bailey….almost beyond a reasonable doubt, I can ascertain that pussy face erectus is a miserable cretin and horrible human being devoid of any soul…empty to the core with no loyalty to anyone but itself.”

Professor I. Yankit estimates that Pussy Faceerectus would have been a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul

Professor I. Yankit maintains that pussy face erectus is a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul

“Additionally, it is predisposed to be a demagogue in the name of religion not unlike the religious zealots responsible for the Salem witch burnings.  As a leader, it is the quintessential coward who will send others to war and to their deaths while refusing to serve, yet calling others who did serve disloyal.  It uses empty words like ‘freedom’ and ‘patriot’ and symbols like the American flag to obfuscate its extreme anti-social personality.”

“It’s a hideous creature, Professor.”

“Indeed it is, Ms. Jenkins….yet we must study pussy face erectus in an effort to understand the phenomena of pussy, evangelical, eunuch men in America.”

“And then what, Professor?”

“Well, when we finish I’ll just toss its filthy carcass in the incinerator out back and just hope we never see another like it.”

Study, learn, and destroy...hoping for never another like it

Study and learn

The Shape of Things Now

by gordita

Cruz-ugly-dog

Paco the dog chews on foot before shape-shifting into something else

Hold onto your britches. With the help of my anonymous source, “Virgil” (whose spoke to me on condition that his true identity remain confidential), I have just uncovered the scoop of the decade: Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul, aka The Three, are not who they say they are. In fact, they are unlike anything you have ever imagined.

“They are shape-shifters,” says Virgil.

“Shape shifters! Can you explain what a shape-shifter is, exactly?”

“Well, in olden times,” explains Virgil, “people often changed shape to have sex…like when Zeus who took the form of a swan to get it on with Leda.”

“Ughhh. Are you going to tell me The Three change shape so they can get some action from unsuspecting women?”

“No, gordita. Sex isn’t the only reason for shape-shifting.”

“What are the other reasons?”

“Well…one key reason is artistic–the impulse to thematically connect a person’s identity with his true inner nature.”

“Huh?”

“Have you ever heard of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales?”

I scratch my head. If I say, no, will Virgil think I am an idiot? I wonder.

“In Tanglewood Tales,” says Virgil, “Hawthorne retells the story of Circe but in Hawthorne’s version, instead of transforming all of Odysseus’ crew into swine, Circe transforms each of the men into the animal he most resembles.”

“Interesting. So are you saying that Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are all in the process of transforming into animals that they most resemble?”

“Oh ho, gordita! You have it exactly backwards! What is happening is that The Three are animals who have transformed themselves into the Senators they most resemble!”

“Er….what animal did each of them used to be?”

“Well, Senator Cruz used to be this ….”

Rafael the cat

Rafael the cat

“… but his cat identity was not nearly pussy enough so he reinvented himself as this.”

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted “Pussy Face” Cruz

“Rafael the cat chose specifically to be Senator Ted Cruz?”

“Yep. Rafael could have been anybody, gordita. But Senator Cruz was the ideal personification of who he truly was.”

“A pussy face….”

“A real, honest to goodness pussy face. And a mean one at that. The meanest ever.”

“What about Lindsey Graham?”

“This guy?”

toad2

Mister Toad

“Lindsey Graham was Mr. Toad?!?!?!?”

“Yes, but as a toad, he was just not toady enough. So he became Senator Graham.”

“Okay, Virgil. I am getting the idea. So wait a minute…don’ tell me yet what animal Rand Paul was. Let me guess.”

“Sure.”

“Was he this?”

...

Vicious hyena

“No.”

“This maybe?”

weasel

Rabid weasel

“No.”

“How about this?”

...

“Nope.”

“What was he then?”

“Do you see Paco the dog at the top of this blog post?”

“Whoa!!! He’s hideous! As a senator, he represents the hideous Tea Party. Is that the thematic connection?

“No, gordita. Not everything is as complicated as you make it out to be. Rand Paul is simply a malevolent, mangy, wire-haired cur.”

“Hmmmm. I have one more question before we finish this interview.”

“Yes?”

“Whenever we see The Three, Kelly Ayotte always seems to be nearby. Is Kelly Ayotte a shape-shifter too?”

“Yeah, she’s a shape-shifter all right–the best there has ever been.”

“Who or what was she before she became Senator Ayotte?”

“Take a guess.”

summerseve

Letter from an Admirer

The Honorable Ted Cruz
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed.  You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots.  Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day.   We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me.  In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along.  We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.

You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years.  I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.

ted-cruz-hearing-ap-cropped-proto-custom_28

Ted in his best demagogue pose

Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman.   Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task !  You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.

Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you.  That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric.   But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now.  I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along.  And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day.  What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American.  You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.

ted cruz fullness

How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?

I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here.  You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here.  I hope you’re alright with that.  I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it.  And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like.  I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell.  And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics.  We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler.  So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light.  You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.

Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate.  We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.

You’re a great American.

Your friend,

Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee

250px-Joseph_McCarthy

Joe in his best inquisition pose

P.S.  Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do.  How does this sound?  “Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!

Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger

It didn’t take long for retired Pope Benedict to find his next career as he just signed a contract with a NYC comedy club to perform 104 shows over the next two years.

“Fuck it….I’m as happy as a two-peckered billy goat surrounded by a bunch of horny ewe,” laughed a shit-faced pope who went on a drinking binge right after signing his contract with “The Comedy Cellar” located at 117 MacDougal St. in NYC which reportedly will net him about five million dollars.

images

People line up for Rat-A-Tat-Tat’s show

Long known as the Vatican’s King of Crude Comedy, the ex-Pope, whose real name is Joseph Ratzinger, will perform as Joey Rat-a-Tat-Tat-Zinger because of his high speed delivery of one-liners.

pope-benedict

Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat clowns around in a fucked up Santa Claus hat. Underneath that hat, however, is the king of one-liners

Last night was Joe Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger’s first show at “The Comedy Cellar” before a packed house of people who paid as much as $500 for a ticket to see the former Pontiff turned funny man.  Luckily SPB was able to catch  the show and, with permission from The Comedy Cellar, presents part of it below:

“Well now…..what a fucked up looking audience!!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHA))))”

“If my fucking shit-eating dog was as ugly as most of you….why I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards!”

((((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))!!!!!!

“Good evening ladies and germs…..I’d love to say it’s nice to see all of you mother fuckers…..but I’d BE LYING!!!”

((HAHAHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHAH))!!!!

“Say, how do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!!!

(((HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA)))!

1323863634296

Rolling on the floor and laughing their asses off at Rat’s zingers

“What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?  They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns!!!!!”

((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA)))!!!

“What do you get when you dress like an altar boy and meet the priest?  A holy fuck!!”

(HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)))))))))))

“What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!!!”

(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH ROFALMAOHAR HAR HAR HAR))))!!”

“Do any of you assholes know the name of the generic form of Viagra? Mycoxaflopin!!!!”

((((HAHHHHAHAAAHAHAHHHHHAAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA))))!!!

“Say, here’s a good one:  what happens when you get the Viagra computer virus? It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk!!”

(((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))))!!!!”

Heckler:  “Hey Pope Rat-a-Tat….YOU FUCKING SUCK!!”

“Hey a heckler !  Hey buddy….PONTIFF THIS!!!!” says Rat-A-Tat grabbing his balls.

(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAH!!!)))

If you would like to see the hottest show in America good luck getting tickets. All 104 shows are already sold out said a spokesperson for The Comedy Cellar.  “Seems everyone wants to see this funny mother fucker.”

NYC 16 Comedy Cellar, Greenwich Village

The Pope says Fuck It….I’m Steppin’ Out !!

The Pope has put on his dancing shoes and is ready to get down and boogie.

Sick of all the sex scandals tearing apart his “Pope-ship,” Pope Benedict XVI startled everybody recently, especially Catholics, by saying, “Fuck it, who needs this shit?” and dumped the frumpy clothes, the stupid-ass fake name, (Benedict for god’s sake….who the fuck ever thought of that one?), and put on his best zoot suit and hit the party scene in the Big Apple before the ink was even dry on his resignation.

The former Pope ((flees)) Vatican City (note red Gucci dancing shoes)

“Life is short,” said the ex-Pope, who now calls himself “Joe Rat,” not to be confused with THE “Joe Rat,” aka Joey “Kneecap”  Santorielli of The Bronx, who was indicted last week for racketeering and multiple murder counts.  “I’m like, what…90?  Dude, there’s a town to paint and beaver to bang.”

“Midnight Plowboy”

But Mr. Pope…err, Joe?  You’re like fucking 90!?!?!   Beaver to bang?!?

“Nothing a double dose of Cialis won’t take care of,” added a confident Joe Rat. “I plan to start at clubs on the upper west side and work my way down until I’m downtown sweet Georgia Brown baby,” added the newly cocky ex-Pontiff.  “I’ve got stax of wax that haven’t been played in years including K.C. and the Sunshine Band, The Ohio Players, Confunkshun, The Bar-Kays, Lakeside, and a bunch of others.   Have you ever heard the Silver Convention?” asked “Joe Rat” of a clearly befuddled Southpaw reporter.  “Just feast your ears on this baby…..

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky

The Pope’s chicks….Silver Convention

“Fuck man…is that an eargasm or what?,” asked “Joe Rat,” who seemed genuinely lost in the 70’s.

“Joe Cool”

When reminded by Southpaw that much of the music he mentioned is not only lame, but antiquated and that most club disc jockeys wouldn’t even know what it is much less play it, the ebullient ex-Pontiff said, “I could give a shit man….I’ll just let my records take me to the river baby….and where ever I hang my hat, that’s my home.  Now move aside sonny…I got a gun in my pocket and it’s about ready to go off.”

Unfortunately for the ex-Pope, aka “Joe Rat,” his “steppin’ out” was short-lived as he was arrested just a few hours after checking into the No-Tell Motel on the upper west side for, you guessed it, soliciting prostitution…..of the male persuasion.  So much for “bangin’ beaver.”

I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES
JUST TO BOOGIE WITH YOU, YEAH
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES JUST TO BOOGIE WITH YOU,UH HUH
I WANT TO IT IT ‘TIL THE SUN COMES UP
UH HUH, AND I WANT TO DO IT ‘TIL
I CAN’T GET ENOUGH, YEAH, YEAH
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES

The Pope plays with K.C. at recent NYC performance (the Pope is third from the left)

Scalia Considers Forming Charity Called Goats.Org

by gordita

As gay marriage becomes increasingly accepted by Americans, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has experienced a profound and unsettling loosening of his moral prohibitions.

...

Speaking to students at John Marshall School of Law, Scalia revealed that same-sex marriage has caused him to doubt that there is any such thing as “right” and “wrong.”

“There are all sorts of things I have wanted to do for a long time…things I used to think were categorically wrong. But not any more. Now I keep thinking I would like to stick a deer knife in Sotomayor’s belly and and for the life of me, I can’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t.”

deerknife

Sitting in the audience, I raise my hand. “Um, Justice Scalia,” I venture, “my name is gordita. Could you please elaborate further on your implicit argument that there is no moral difference between the love that gay people have for each other and the cruel and depraved act of a murder?”

“Nothing is off limits in a world that recognizes gay love, gordita. Nothing.”

“It seems to me, Justice Scalia, that you are using reductio ad absurdum and taking it to absurd lengths. Surely you see that there is a difference between something like marriage which produces happiness and something like murder which produces suffering.”

“God suffers when humans violate his laws. Whether it’s gay marriage or murder, God suffers the same.”

“Ahh.  I get it.  You are the divine scourge…the wrath of God upon the world.”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I  am.”

“Which is why you gave us Bush as a president.”

“Yes.”

...

“And why you have done your best to hand our elections over to the highest bidder.”

“Yes!”

...

Going once…going twice

“And why you ruled against Lilly Ledbetter.”

“YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!”

...

“And why you aspire to being the cruelest Supreme Court Justice in the history of the United States.”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

...

I love the taste of cruelty

“So let me ask you something, Justice Scalia.”

“Yes?”

“Why shouldn’t we impeach you?”

“On what ground, you silly cow?”

“On the ground that God has scourged enough. On the ground that our human failings cause enough suffering without an additional overlay of divine (in)justice. On the ground that all love is imperfect but we strive for it anyway because the alternative is misery and barbarism.”

“So you think love is something we can use, rather than God’s laws, to demarcate moral boundaries?”

“Yes, I do.”

“If what you are saying about love is true, what would keep me from setting up an escort service with goats and sheep? You know…as companions for a love-filled weekend? Or how about we set up a charity called goats.org where people can buy love goats for lonely men in third world countries?”

“What is missing in your moral sense that makes it impossible for you to tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual acts, Justice Scalia? How does consensual gay sex give you the right to rape an animal?”

Heiffer.org gives animals to poor people to be eaten. The animal has no say in it. If you’re okay with that you should be okay with goats.org.”

The gift of a sheep to help stop world hunger

Outside of Scalia’s universe, the gift of a sheep helps stop world hunger

“Maybe for consistency, we should strive to be vegetarians, Your Honor. But putting that aside, you have just used reason to negate a deeply-felt, universally-appreciated moral distinction between consensual acts of love and non-consensual acts of violence. Why would you want to use your powers of rational thought for such a destructive purpose?”

“BECAUSE I DON’T CONSENT TO PEOPLE HAVING GAY SEX BUT THEY KEEP ON HAVING IT ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

...

Justice Scalia…speaking truth to power…his power

“Spoken like a man whose desire for control knows no bounds.”

“Judicial restraint died with traditional marriage. Now I’m the king of the whole world. You hear that? THE KING OF THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.”

“I gathered as much from Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.”

“Then fucking get over it.”

[Editor's Note: If you do not already know about Heifer International, give it a look. It's a wonderful charity based on the principal of "Give not a cup, but a cow."]

The Twelve Days of Lovemas: Ziauddin Yousafzai

by kj

Malala-father

A lot has been written about Malala Yousafzi, the remarkable Pakastani teenager who was the subject of a 2009 New York Times documentary and was shot in the head by Taliban fighters on October 9, 2012, for her criticism of the Taliban’s ban on girls’ education. Not a lot has been written about her father, Ziauddin Yousafzai.

Ziauddin is not a saint. There are no saints in this world–just notable fighters and peace-makers. As an advocate for girls in Taliban territory, he is both.  I have not been able to find anything that explains the genesis of Ziauddin’s interest in the education of females–perhaps because journalists have not found the story to be of interest. Looking at the timeline of his life, one can see that he opened a private girls school in the Swat Valley, about 100 miles from Islamabad, shortly before the birth of Malala. Ziauddin states that when he saw his newborn daughter, he looked into her eyes and knew she was very very special. And indeed she is, no doubt in large part because of the dedication of her father to the development of her mind.

Some might argue that Ziauddin is a pushy father–at least by our standards.  But our standards–including the idea that individuals should be able to choose their own career path–take a great deal for granted.  When his daughter declared that she wanted to become a doctor, Ziauddin countered that she must grow up to be a politician. The reason, he said, is that Pakistan needs politicians who will make it possible for all girls to become doctors.

Ziauddin has paid dearly for his and his daughter’s advocacy. Malala was nearly murdered and remains in a Birmingham hospital where she is fighting infection and receiving rehabilitation.  He and the rest of his family have received death threats. But he insists he will not give up. “The Taliban cannot stop all independent voices through the force of bullets,” he says.

Ziauddin now has a powerful ally in his mission to educate girls: UNESCO and former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown who is the U.N. Special envoy for Global Education. Brown says that the United Nations is more determined than ever that every child (including 32 million primary-school-aged girls who have no access to schools) will be enrolled in school by 2015. Brown also indicated that Ziauddin–who has grass-roots expertise–will be named a U.N. special advisor for global education to help accomplish the goal.

So my wonderful readers, enjoy Southpaw’s delicious Hatemas posts.  Then top them with a small dollop of hope. Hate and love. Fighters and peacemakers. This Christmas we celebrate both.

Southern Strategy Commits Suicide; Republicans Lay Body to Rest

by gordita

Today marks the one-week anniversary of the date when Southern Strategy committed suicide by jumping to his death in front of an anxious and transfixed world-wide television audience. Today conservatives came together to decide what to do with the rotting, festering, bloated, putrid corpse.

rotting, festering, bloated

…and putrid

Laura Ingraham:  The Republican Party needs to modernize and show that it is viscerally in touch with white working class men who can no longer afford burials.  What better way to hook up with that demographic than to cremate  Southern Strategy?”

Burn baby, burn

Pat Robertson: “Cremation certainly isn’t biblical. In the Old Testament, none of the biblical patriarchs – Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, or David – were cremated. I think we should bury Southern Strategy in a nice little rock tomb (and hope and pray that it will be raptured like the rest of us good Christians).”

Karl Rove: “Wait! Do you feel what I feel? That’s a pulse! Praise Jesus! Southern Strategy is risen!”

Megyn Kelly: “Are you sure you’re not using a Republican method of pulse-checking that you use to make yourself feel better?”

Oops. Pretend I didn’t just say that.

Bill Kristol: “F*ck you Rove. We will never win another election until we Republicans stop living in a fantasy land. Southern Strategy is all smashed up. He is turning green and starting to ooze. It’s time to dispose of the corpse and find a new best friend.”

John Boehner: “In the House, we already have a new best friend. His name is Gerry.”

Michele Bachmann: Hahahahahahahaha!

George Will: “People, we have at least another year to talk about our new BFF. Right now we have a massive pile of stink that we need to dispose of. We have one person voting for cremation, another voting for burial in a rock tomb. Any other suggestions?”

Paul Broun: “I dunno. Being a science guy who believes the earth is 9000 years old, I think I’d like to see a donation of Southern Strategy’s remains to my old medical school (where I did not learn a single f*cking thing).”

Or we could give the remains to my taxidermist

Paul Ryan: “Donation? What are you? Some kind of commie?”

Donald Trump: “Yeah, f*ck donating. We can take the remains through probate and sell them.”

Ann Coulter: “Damn!  Think what the Bodies Exhibition would pay for a Caucasian!”

Bill Kristol: “Gentlemen, Southern Strategy has been the salvation of the Republican Party for over 40 years.  You’re all Christian and I am a shameless panderer to Christians I loathe and despise. So I say we should do what you people have historically done when your savior dies.

Mike Huckabee: “You mean, EAT Southern Strategy?  All of us together?  Including Catholics and (gulp) Jews?”

George Will: “F*ck that. It would look like we were all eating crow.”

A man who has not and never will eat crow…or, to the deep chagrin of the ladies, something else

Sarah Palin: “Aww, come on everybody! There isn’t a person here who wants to get rid of Southern Strategy. I vote we prop the old poopyhead up the in a chair and carry on as usual.”

Clint Eastwood: “Hmmm. You’re thinking about something along the lines of Psycho where Norman Bates is so attached to his evil dead mother he puts her in a rocking chair, and assumes her identity?”

Sarah Palin: “I’m not that deep, Clint. I was thinking of something more along the lines of Weekend at Bernie’s where we all go to the Hamptons and party.”

Karl Rove: “Anybody have a pair of dark sunglasses?”

Mitch McConnell Vows to Make Obama a Two-Term President

Senate Minority Leader Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky today vowed to make President Obama a two-term President.

“Two terms and that’s it,” McConnell said of Obama

“If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I will see to it with all my power that I make this illegitimate, non-American, half-breed, obscenity of a man a two-term President,”  a resolute McConnell told a group of reporters who were gathered in the Capitol Rotunda.

“Let me repeat, making Obama a two-term President is my single most important political goal.”

When reminded that the President, or any President, is constitutionally limited to two terms anyway, McConnell brushed off the reminder.

“Well, the Constitution is a big document that not all of us have had a chance to read word for word,” he said.

“That’s true Senator McConnell,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of ABC News.  “But besides your top priority, what else, if anything, are your political goals besides striving to stay the single ugliest, most lizard-like, pedophile-looking, sack of ape shit in the U.S. Senate?”

Mitch McConnell, aka “Senator Dick Magnet”

“Nothing…those are my two goals.”

“You are aware, Senator, that your 20-year reign of ugliest, chinless, fish-eyed, reptilian sack of shit may be severely compromised by Senator-elect Ted Cruz of Texas, correct Senator? reminded Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent for NBC News.

“I am aware of that,” acknowledged McConnell. “But no matter how pasty-white, butt-ugly and pedophile-looking Cruz may be, he will never be able to touch me once I deck out in my relatively famous red, white, and blue spandex thong.”

“Yes Senator…he may not be able to touch YOU…but will YOU be touching him much like you have improperly touched many a Republican freshman Senator before him?” asked CNN’S Wolf Blitzer.

“Yes, of course ….it’s part of my personal indoctrination to the U.S. Senate,” said McConnell.

“Does that include fucking Ted Cruz up the ass Senator?” asked Martha Raditz of ABC News.

Ted Cruz will get in line…or get it in the end

“If that’s what it takes to get Cruz in line with my rigid, uncompromising, and obstructionist position in my effort to try and bring the country down because of its election of a black man as President, than of course I’ll do that and much more,” said McConnell.

“A reach-around Senator?” asked Blitzer.

“Whatever it takes.”

“Well Senator, from what I’ve seen thus far of Ted Cruz, I suspect he will be a most willing participant,” said Chuck Todd.

“That’s what I’m hoping for and that’s what I expect,” said McConnell.

And with that, McConnell retreated to his opulent Senate office where he commenced rubbing off to a recent picture of Ted Cruz.

Donald Trump to Join 2nd Obama Administration

Trump leaves the WH where he met with Pres Obama who appointed him next ambassador to Kenya

Real estate magnate, Donald Trump, contacted President Obama last night to offer him his congratulations on his reelection and was immediately asked if he would like to be Ambassador to Kenya which he accepted.

“Apparently the position is vacant and the President, knowing my extensive knowledge of Kenya specifically and world affairs in general made me the offer and being one who believes in country first, I accepted,” said Trump.

“I feel I have a close and personal connection to Kenya,” said Trump despite the fact that the millionaire and host of NBC’s “The Apprentice” has not only never been to Kenya, he has never been to any African country due to a reported pathological fear of black people for which he is currently receiving intensive counseling in preparation for his ambassadorship.

This is Trump country

“That’s something I need to work on before I take over the embassy there,” said Trump.  “I believe that one reason why my friend Barrack offered me the position is to help me to get over my fears.”

“It’s my understanding that colored people are predominant in Kenya and apparently are a great credit to their race,” said a conciliatory Trump.  “I look forward to getting to know more about this race of people and how I can help to make them more like Americans and human beings.”

Trump will also start up a version of “The Apprentice” in Kenya with production to begin on Action TV-8 Nairobi in January.

“I very much look forward to saying “YOU’RE FIRED” to colored people,” said Trump with a chuckle.

FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!

…..as for Mitt Romney, he says he will now leave the country and, along with his 18 sons, 160 grandchildren, and 450 great grandchildren, will form a country of his own and tentatively call it Baincapistan.