“Okay children that’s it for tonight. Time for bed.”
“Awww grandpa…..please!! Just tell us ONE MORE STORY!”
“Wellllll, ooookay…but just onnnne more…and then it’s off to bed.”
“YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
“Children….long, long ago…this great land of ours wasn’t so great. And this great land of freedom that you all have grown up in was once ruled by a tyrannical man whose skin color was BLACK!!!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Grandpa, I’m scared.”
“Ahh hahahahahahahaha. Nothing to be scared of little one. You’re surrounded by white neighbors with more guns than they know what to do with. And what do you think this is in my lap? Why it’s an AK-47 and I keep it with me at allll times. Why you two have Glock 9′ mm’s right there sitting next to you. Did you forget how to use em?!”
“Tee hee, no Grandpa,” the five and six year old said sheepishly.
“Hahahahahahaha. Well then, let me continue with my story. Our freedom was once ruled by a black devil, and….”
“But Grandpa, I thought our land of freedom had gotten rid of all the black and brown faces long, long ago.”
“Hahahahahaha! Amber, of course we got rid of those a long time ago so don’t you fret. I’m talking about many years ago when the people ran wild in the streets trying to take away our freedoms and the very guns that you have sitting next to you at this moment. They tried to take away prayer and Jesus, and God and your right to eat Big Macs three times a day and drink all the Pepsi you want which, thankfully, thanks to the freedoms we enjoy today, you can drink right out of your faucet instead of water that the black-faced man they called Obama, but who we now know as Lucifer, tried to make us drink.”
Lucifer
“Grandpa, what’s water?”
“Children, we don’t much talk about that these days….but it was a nasty liquid that the black face Muslim Lucifer tried to force upon us many years ago. But our freedom fighters fought for our Pepsi and our donuts and our pizza and cheeseburgers and fries…..and, of course, our prayer. “
“So a man with black skin actually existed Grandpa…and actually ruled our land?”
(((SHUDDER)))!! “Yes children….for it was an evil time when this man we call Lucifer tried to push us into health care that we can afford and better edumacation and better social programs and better food and all things we don’t believe in that are against freedom and God.”
“What’s health care and edumacation Grandpa?”
“Well you don’t have to worry about any of those things children cause God took care of all of that and he continues to take care of all of that.”
“Grandpa, what happened to the black faces?”
“Children, thanks to our history’s greatest freedom fighter, we were able to push them and all of the brown faces too right out of our new land and now they are all back to where they need to be away for us.”
“Where is that Grandpa?”
“The black faces are all imprisoned in a place called Alabamalandria far far away from here. We don’t know WHAT they do there…and we don’t want to know. And the brown faces are in another forbidden zone known as Texslyvania where legend has it that they, too, practice the evil and voodoo practices of health care and edumacation all in their master plan to try and take away yours and my many, many guns.”
“Now then children…that’s enough for tonight. Time for bed.”
“But Grandpa….what about our late night snack?”
“Okay….here’s enough freedom tokens for each of you for just three Whoppers apiece now from the Burger King machine in the kitchen…and NO MORE, you understand! Otherwise you won’t have any appetite for your midnight snack of a bucket of KFC….and we can’t have that!”
“Hahahahahahahaha. Grandpa you’re so funny.”
“But before you go let’s all recite the Pledge to our founding father”:
(((“I pledge allegiance to the Gun of the United State of Rand….and to the Republic, in which Rand stands, one nation, under God, in morbid obesity and justice for all whites.”)))
Father of our country
Not a black face among them. Thank God !
“Now off to bed!. Good night children. Make sure to lock and load and sleep tight and white.”
In case any of the three (or less) loyal readers of this ridiculous blog are wondering (which I’m certain you’re not) where we’ve been, well….to put it delicately, I’ve just been busier than a motherfucker with other shit.
In any case, don’t worry (not that you do)….I’ll be back with more worthless and pointless drivel as soon as I can find the time to write such tripe (which only takes a few seconds to write anyway…so what’s the problem you say?)
As they say: “A terrible mind is a thing to waste”….or was that “A thing of a terrible mind is to waste”….or maybe “A mind of a waste is a terrible thing”…..or “A waste is a terrible thing to mind”….or….
Energized by what Republicans are calling an epic appearance at Howard University, 2016 Presidential hopeful Rand Paul was dismayed to hear that Georgia Governor Nathan Deal is characterizing a grass-roots protest against all-white high school proms as Democratic rabble-rousing. So dismayed was he, in fact, that he kicked the governor in the nuts.
[Re-enactment of what Senator Paul did to Governor Deal's nuts.]
“The record is abundantly clear,” said Paul, “Democrats stand for Jim Crow, segregation, poll taxes…you name it. They are the bane of the Negro race. Long story short, Nathan Deal got his bacts fackward so I kicked him in the nuts. Or, since there could be ladies present, maybe I should say I nicked him in the kucks. Ha ha ha ha.“
“I’m a lady, Senator Paul.”
“Not according to what I’ve heard, gordita. Ha ha ha.”
“Moving right along, Senator. Do you have any examples of Democrats actually hurting blacks? I thought that was pretty much a Republican past time.”
“You mean other than the Democrats’ soft bigotry of low expectations? Sure. Take for example, this statement by a prominent Democratic governor:
And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that theres not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches.
“Honestly, gordita, have you ever heard anything more racist and disgusting in your whole life? Well, have you?”
“Senator, that was a statement in 1948 by the late Strom Thurmond, a long-time Republican.”
…
“WRONG, gordita. Strom Thurmond did not become a Republican until 1964! The Democrats own him!”
“And I suppose we Democrats also own Jesse Helms, another racist Dixiecrat who became a Republican?”
…
“Damn straight, gordita.”
“So do we own all of your racist assholes?”
“You bet, gordita. Because every single one of them either used to be a Democrat or certainly would have been a Democrat if he had been around during the Jim Crow era.”
“I’m having some problems with that statement, Senator. But maybe this is a good time for you to explain what your problem is with Democrat-turned-Republican, Nathan Deal. You say you kicked him in the nuts?”
“I did. And after what I did to his manhood, people are going to be calling him Nathan Squeal. Ha ha ha ha.”
“Can you tell us why you did that?”
“Because, gordita, he’s a racist Democrat who is not giving proper credit to Republicans who are the true friends of the colored folk.”
“Deal is a racist Republican asshole who has done nothing to stop Georgia’s segregated proms. The people in Georgia who are fighting segregation are all Democrats. So it sounds like you have all your bacts fackward. Or maybe I should talk like a normal person and say facts backward.”
“Gordita, you can talk like a normal person all you want but it still does not change the fact that Jim Crow was invented by Democrats. And that’s why every black with valid picture ID who can get his lazy ass to the polls should vote Republican.”
“Senator, isn’t it a fair statement that a majority of the white racist pigs in the Democratic Party waddled into the Republican barnyard at least 20 years ago and have been as happy there as hogs in slop? Can we agree to that?”
“I’m not going to agree to that, gordita. ‘Cause if I did I would have to kick myself where I kicked Governor Squeal. And I am not about to do that because I need cojones to talk to rooms full of black people…and because ….”
Alabama: Legislation will likely be passed in Alabama on Monday changing the current state law of “Life begins at Conception” to “Life begins at Erection.”
“The state senate passed the bill on Friday and the house will vote on it on Monday and it looks like we have more than enough votes to pass it into law,” said the chairman of the Alabama House of Representatives, Republican Elmer Wayne Henley.
“After the bill passes on Monday, any use by men of an erection, or women preventing men from the appropriate use of a man’s erection, to do ANYTHING other that what the bible specifically says the erection is supposed to be used for will be punishable by up to 15 years in prison and a 25 thousand dollar fine for first offenders,” said Henley.
Georgia: Scientific studies show that prayer causes hard-ons in parts of the deep south with a higher percentage of prayer-induced hard-ons being registered in the state of Georgia than elsewhere. Republican U.S. Representative Paul Broun said recently that he would be in favor of adopting Alabama’s new law known as “Life begins at Erection” and thus would encourage more prayer in order to produce more hard-ons….thus more life.
“I’ve always been a supporter of prayer and hard-ons,” said Broun. ”In fact, those who know me well would tell you that I pray throughout the day everyday which, of course, would make me a virtual walking hard-on which is something I’m quite proud of,” said Broun, “and something I think my constituents agree with and support me on.”
(Note: “Scientific” studies for the Georgia report paid for by Focus on the Family and The Family Research Council)
(Note 2: The “scientists” doing this study weren’t really “scientists” at all).
South Carolina:Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one….except, apparently, in South Carolina where Governor Nikki Haley says everyone has an asshole but does not necessarily have an opinion. (According to U.S. News and World Report polls, only 20% of South Carolinians have opinions about a spectrum of important issues but 100% of them have an opinion about when life begins and on the proper relationship between hard-ons and assholes.)
“We can’t account for those people visiting South Carolina or just passing through but we can most certainly verify that everyone currently living here has an asshole,” said Haley. “But regardless of the recent U.S. News and World Report poll–on which I have no opinion–no one can verify how many of our residents with assholes have an opinion about anything.”
“Whether our fine residents have opinions or not, we’re proud of the assholes we have in South Carolina,” added Haley. ”It’s wonderful to be neighbors with states like Georgia, with its prayer-driven hard-ons, and states like Alabama with their wonderful “Life begins at Erection” philosophy but what makes South Carolina truly distinctive is its assholes.
The Senate is now in the first stages of talking about the possibility of talking about discussions of talk
Gridlocks are the norm these days in Washington politics. But every now and then miracles happen and one happened today which is being hailed as nothing less than a breakthrough of epic proportions:
The U.S. Senate, in bipartisan fashion, agreed today to talk about talk in the talk on guns in the U.S.
“I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed, along with 12 of my Republican colleagues, to talk about the possibility of talking about talks on talking about talks on guns in the U.S.,” said Tennessee Senator Bob Corker.
“Talking about talk about the possibility of talking about talk is the kind of talk we like talking about,” said Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut.
“Is it something you’d like to talk more about?” I asked South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, one of 13 Republican Senators agreeing to talking about the possibility of talking about talk.”
“Right now I’m not really free to talk about taking about the talks that we’re talking about possibly having but once I know more information about the possibility of talking, I’ll be releasing talking points of what I hope will be the sorts of things we hope to talk about,” said Graham.
Asked whether the visit this week of survivors of the December Newtown massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary school made a difference in their decision to support talks about the possibility of talking about talking, Senator Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, said yes.
“Obviously we were affected emotionally after talking with the victims families,” said Chambliss. ”They expressed their concern about whether we plan to talk about this emotional issue so we told them we do plan to talk soon about talking about the possibility of talking about talks because if we don’t talk, not much can be accomplished in the way of talking about talks. As I told these wonderful families, I didn’t come to Washington just to talk. I came here to talk about talking because talking is the best way to get to the possibility of talking about talks.”
Family members of Sandy Hook victims say talking about talk is a good way to start talking
Senator Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Orin Hatch, and a number of other Republicans do not support talking about talk.
“We just don’t believe anything is accomplished by talking about talk or even the remote possibility of talking about the possibility of talking about talk because talking is regarded as socialism in the great state of Texas,” said Cruz.
Asked why he feels talking or even talking about talk is regarding as socialism in Texas, Cruz simply replied:
Police released the letter today that Matthew Warren son of mega-Evangelist, Rick Warren, left behind. Warren died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound last week:
Dear Everyone,
I’m sorry I’m doing this but YOU try being the son of a pasty-white, fat-ass pussy who is as phony as a three-dollar bill. I’d just had enough of it….that’s all. Yes, I was depressed as hell. But here’s a news flash: I was depressed because I was the son of this asshole. ”A Purpose Driven Life.” HA!!! More like “A Money Driven Life.” To all of you fucked-up suckers out there who think my fat asshole of a father is in this for God, LOL !! I got some oceanfront property in Nebraska to sell you. This guy is in it for one thing and one thing only…MONEY !!!!!! Did you know that this guy doesn’t even BELIEVE in God?!?! He’d come home every Sunday after one of his fucked-up sermons and talk and laugh for hours about how taking money from his “flock” was like shooting fish in a barrel. Believe me everyone….this fat bastard is giving all of you “A Purpose Driven Ass-Fucking.” So don’t feel bad for me because I never have to see this fuck and his dumb goatee again or listen to another word of his horseshit. As for those of you who are his followers…you should feel sorry for yourselves because you are still going to be around for this dick to ram you up the ass and take your money. So goodbye and good luck. You’ll need it. Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you.
For the forty percent of you Americans who think Jesus will return by 2050, Governor Rick Perry of Texas has some terrible news for you. Jesus already came…and Texas mistakenly executed him.
I f*cked up
Until last week, Governor Perry was fiercely proud of his record as the governor with the greatest number of executions. “Two hundred fifty-three is a kill number I could write home about…until I found out that one of those was Jesus. Now I can only write home about 252,” said a contrite Governor Perry.
“But you already knew the guy you executed was Jesus. It said on the warrant that that was his name,” I countered.
“Yeah, but that Jesus looked like a Mexican. He had black hair and black eyes. How was I supposed to know that Mexican-looking guy was the real Jesus? The real Jesus had blue eyes, for Christ’s sake.”
This is the guy we thought was coming back
“Er…Jesus almost certainly did not have blue eyes. He was a Jew. He had dark skin, dark eyes, and dark hair, just like Middle Eastern Jews today.”
“Damn!”
“Governor, can you tell us what Jesus was executed for?”
“What was Jesus executed for? What is anybody executed for? Murder. Or taking part in a felony where somebody got killed.”
“Yes, but what was it exactly that Jesus did?”
“He went into this church in Lubbock that was having a God, Guns, and the Gospel Celebration and he got all agitated and started turning over Christian Book Fair tables where they were selling this terrific book called, The Persecution of Sarah Palin. He started saying filthy things like, God damn America! and the next thing you know, somebody pulled out a gun to try and stop him and the youth minister BJ got accidentally shot in the chest. It was a terrible terrible tragedy. And would never have happened if ….”
BJ went with God…and with countless little boys in the Youth Group
“BJ would not have been shot if Jesus had not lost his temper and started turning over tables?”
“Damn right. Jesus had no business getting pissy with good church-going people in Lubbock. He should have been smiting the feminists and homos. If he had kept his eyes blue and focused on doing the Lord’s work there wouldn’t have been a mix-up.”
Jesus could have used an automatic weapon to gun down homos
“I see. So what exactly was the felony you pinned on Jesus?”
“Huh?”
“There has to be an underlying felony conviction in a felony murder case. What was the felony?”
“Oh. Interfering with a person’s right to bear arms. And malicious slander of a Christian. He said a few things about BJ that were not very nice.”
“Those aren’t the sorts of offenses that give rise to felony murder! It has to be something like rape or kidnapping!”
“Well, he could have appealed the conviction if he had wanted to.”
“He didn’t fight what was clearly an unlawful conviction?”
“Naw, he kept saying that he was sick of sacrificing himself for morons and he just wanted to go the f*ck home. He said God needed to find another patsy ’cause he was f*cking done.”
“Those words didn’t give you a hint that he was Jesus? He as much as told you who he was and you killed him, man. You must feel terrible.”
“Yeah maybe, but, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing I am forgiven.”
“I’ve got news for you, Governor. Jesus is done with us. Forgiven doesn’t mean squat now. We are on our own.”
…so where the fuck is he then? That’s what everyone would like to know.
Here we are on the cusp of yet another Easter when this motherfucker is supposed to show. And for about the 10 thousandth year in a row, it looks like he’s gonna be a no show…AGAIN!!
FUCK!!!!!!
The world, especially the U.S., is going to hell in a handbasket with queers marrying queers, an illegal alien President trying to take all of our guns away, Mexicans taking over everything as far as the eye can see, and the “Christ” being taken right the fuck out of Christmas. And nobody’s doing a goddamn thing about it.
Year after year, all the prayer in the world….
“When you need him most he just won’t show the fuck up and we’ve been waiting around for this guy to show forever” said Willie-Buster Cherry of Crotchrot, Mississippi.
….don’t seem to do…..
“Crawdads are scarce….ain’t been a goddamn good catfish crop in more than two years in the lake over yonder, prices are going up at Wal-Mart everyday….and niggers and Mexican’s are taking over EVERYTHING! Queers are getting married!! Where’s God when you need him…that’s what I’d like to know,” added a thoughtful Cherry.
…any good
People all over the place, particularly in the deep southern part of the U.S., have had it up to here waiting for God to make a return appearance to earth and a lot of people are beginning to ask their elected representatives to do something about it.
“I’m sick of waiting,” said Claude Balls also of Crotchrot. ”All my life, my father’s life, my grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, my great grandfather’s life, they’ve been telling us that God is coming back and we wait and wait and wait and nothing….and we’re all getting fucking sick of it. We’re even starting to think he’s not coming at all.”
Frustrated by yet another God no-show, Willie Buster Cherry and Claude Balls of Mississippi do what they do best…..relax
“We’re pretty patient people down here in Mississippi but what the fuck does it take?” said Cherry. “I’m nearly 70 and I’m sick and disabled and I’m starting to wonder if I’m even gonna be around when God shows up. Every single Sunday Preacher keeps telling us that God is coming…God is coming. We put all this money in the collection plate thinking he’s coming….and then he just don’t come.”
“So you DO think he’s gonna show up…..but you just think it’s a question of when?”
“Exactly. Of course we all know God’s coming sooner or later….but we would just like to know when! If someone says they’re gonna do something, down here in Mississippi we take a man at his word.”
“Why…..sometimes I begin to wonder whether or not he….”
“…exists at all?” I said finishing the inbred cracker’s sentence for him.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?! Of COURSE NOT!! I was gonna say……whether or not God is not coming because he’s pissed at us for being the sinners we are.”
“So you think God is just pissed and disgusted by queers getting married and Mexican’s taking over everything?’
“We figure that’s gotta be the reason…..least wise, that’s what Preacher says on Sunday. And he says it’s important for all of us to give as much as we can to the collection plate each Sunday so we can help God to change things once he does come. But I’m beginning to wonder where all that money me and everyone else is giving the preacher each Sunday is going cause every year God don’t show up for this resurrection thing on Easter.”
We here at Southpaw Beagle wish, too, that God would show up already and fix things and end this silly notion that some people are spreading that all religion is a farce, preachers, priests, rabbis, and all the rest of the people who preach the word of God are carpetbaggers, pedophiles, perverts, degenerates, and liars, who exist because stupid fucking Americans continue to believe in a myth in the sky, and the U.S. is really just a den of debauchery and deceit with no redeeming qualities. Because of course we know that can’t be true.
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we callThe Republican Zone…..
“Same Sex Couple is Due…..on Maple Street”
Welcome. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, where friends barbeque, men mow the grass, women talk across the fences of their respective yards, dogs bark, the mailman delivers the mail, and dad plays catch with his son…in the last calm and carefree moment…before the queers come…
Maple Street Residents:
The Bachmann Family, The Romney Family, The Samuel Alito Family, The John Roberts Family, The Rick Perry Family, The Palin Family…and the Antonin Scalia Family.
Sarah: “So Michele, did you hear about what Rick Perry’s wife is doing when he’s away on business?”
Michele: “I have my suspicions….and did you know that she got breast implants….and never even told him about it?”
Sarah: “Noooooo!?!”
“HEY MOM!!”
“What is it Piper?”
“I was just talking to Tommy Roberts and he told me that two queers have moved into our neighborhood….and they’re MARRIED!”
Sarah: “WHAT?!?! Did you hear about this Michele?!?!”
Michele: “NO! But you better believe we won’t put up with any queer men queering each other in the butt and living together like they’re married!”
Rick Perry: “Good afternoon ladies. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking. You said something about two queers who want to get married living in THIS neighborhood?!?! What do you think about THAT Todd?” Rick shouted across the lawn to his best friend Todd Palin.
Todd Palin: “I heard it….but I don’t believe it. Just let two queers TRY and move into this neighborhood. Over my dead body! This is a one man-one woman neighborhood so long as I’m standing.”
Tommy: ”But my dad says…..never mind….”
Wise beyond his years, Tommy Roberts tries to warn Maple St. residents of infiltrating queers
By this time, Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito has overheard the conversation from his home across the street. “What Tommy? What does your dad say?”
Tommy: “Well, my dad says the two queers are already in the neighborhood and they’ve actually been here for years….maybe even longer than us. In fact, my dad says it could BE one of us !”
(((HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA))!!
Alito: “That’s crazy talk Tommy! HAHAHA!! I mean, since your dad knows so much about this queer family, maybe it’s HIM who’s queer!!!!”
The crowd of Tea Party Patriots grows by the second….on Maple St.
“Yea yea….that’s right”…..”that’s a good possibility”….”he’s the one who knows so much about it”….”and he’s effeminate”…”don’t you think?” ”I never liked that John Roberts anyway,” the ever growing crowd chortled in harmonious agreement. “He’s too quiet and reserved which makes him queer in my book.”
“DON’T YOU SAY THAT STUFF ABOUT MY DAD!” Tommy shouted…
Noticing all the hubbub Tommy’s dad, John Roberts, who is finishing up his lawn with the last remnants of sunlight, stops what he’s doing and approaches the growing crowd…”Say, what’s this all about?”
Todd Palin: “Well why don’t YOU tell US John Roberts….you’re the one who seems to be acting so, ((ahem)), queer lately.”
Rick Perry, on your right, takes control of an otherwise uncontrolled situation
Roberts: “Fuck you Todd. You’re one to talk. Everybody knows you haven’t fucked Sarah in years and you had a secret affair with Levi Johnston all the time Sarah was running around running for Vice President.”
Palin: ”That’s bullshit. Levi and I only had sex twice and that doesn’t mean anything.”
Rick Perry has just walked up to see what all the ruckus is about…”What’s going on here.”
Michele: “John Robert’s kid says a queer family has moved into the neighborhood and he seems to know more about it than anyone….so we just wanna know more about what JOHN’S doing over in that house of his behind closed doors.”
John Roberts: “What the fuck is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!?”
Rick Perry: “Well I can personally vouch for John. He’s a good friend of mine and he’s just over there trying to live his life.”
Scalia: “Hmmm, you vouch for him huh? What else do you two friends do together, huh RICK?!? I mean, how come YOU’RE so quick to come to Robert’s defense, huh Rick? Wonder what that says about YOU, Rick?”
Rick Perry: “You know what Antonin?….you’ve got a big mouth…and I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a long time. How’d you like me to teach you how to shut it!”
Rick Perry prepares to shut Antonin Scalia’s mouth with a five-finger sandwich
Alito: “Come to think of it, he DOES have a pretty big mouth. I wonder what you put in that mouth Antonin? And I wonder if it’s spelled C-O-C-K!’”
((HAHAHHHAHAHAHA)) laughs Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: “What are you laughing at you fucking skank? The whole neighborhood thinks you’re so ugly you have to be a man. So, maybe it’s YOU who’s the queer!!”
“Hey, can we all just calm down a minute,” says Rick Perry, a manly, strapping, cowboy boot wearing pillar of reason and sense. “Why are we at each others throats. Why don’t we do this with some organization and just start going door to door and search everyone’s home one by one. If we find anything unusual, then we’ll know who the queers are and we’ll get rid of them.”
“Rick’s right,” said Roberts….”we have to organize.”
“Figures you would agree with him,” said Sarah…”since you two seem to do EVERYTHING together.”
((teeheehee)), giggled Sarah and Michele together.
“Listen, let’s just do what Rick said and search everyone’s home,” said Alito. “We’ll start with Scalia.”
“Why mine?” inquired Scalia. “Why not Roberts…..he’s the one who started all this shit.”
A growing mob prepares to question potential queers
“Why so nervous Antonin?” said Rick Perry. “You got anything to hide…..like a strapping man in your closet in your house somewhere?”
“It’s true…Antonin Scalia is always the first guy to talk out on anything,” said Todd Palin…”especially queers…which, from where I come from, might just make him one. Besides, he has cherub cheeks, a fat ass that most queers would love to plug, and he looks like a pussy….not like a real man like Rick Perry and me.”
“Well what about me?” asked Roberts….”don’t I look like a real man?”
“Well now that you mention it,” said Michele, “you’re not exactly the neighbor Michele and I have at the top of our list of guys we want to fuck.”
“That’s true John….you look like a pussy too,” chimed in Sarah. “Which makes you my top choice for a same-sex married queer.”
“Well then it’s settled!” shouted an excited Alito. “It’s gotta be Roberts and Scalia. As far as I’m concerned, we don’t have to search either of their houses….I say we just get em the fuck out of this neighborhood tonight…RIGHT NOW!!”
((YEA YEA…LET’S DO IT…GET EM OUT……GET THE TAR AND FEATHERS!!! GET THE HANGMAN’S NOOSE!!!))
“WAIT A MINUTE,” yelled Roberts. ”JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE ! Haven’t any of you noticed who’s not here?”
“((I dunno…beat’s me….haven’t thought about it….I thought EVERYONE was here…I haven’t noticed anything))” chimed the crowd.
“Well look around you….who’s missing? I sure as HELL haven’t seen Mitt Romney out here….so what does THAT mean everybody?!?!”
((THAT MEANS IT’S HIM!!!! MITT ROMNEY IS THE QUEER AND MARRIED TO A MAN AND LIVING IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD…LET’S GET HIM))!!!!!
Tommy: ”BUT DADDY….DADDY!”
John Roberts: ”What is it Tommy? Shut up everyone!”
Alito: “Tommy, you have something to say?”
“Yes I do…..the other night I couldn’t sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked out the window and….and….”
“AND WHAT KID?? SPIT IT OUT!!” yelled an increasingly nervous Scalia.
….”well, you know how we live across the street from the park, right? Well, I saw what looked like Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin sitting on a park bench together and they were…..”
“Goddamn kid…SPIT IT OUT!!” screamed Scalia.
“It was Mr. Alito and Mr. Palin and they were….KISSING !”
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Sarah Palin. ”YOU’RE A SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER LIVING UNDER MY OWN ROOF?!?!!”
“Now listen, wait a minute….I can explain,” said Todd.
“I’ve heard enough!!!….LET’S GET THESE TWO QUEERS AND GET THEM OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!”
((((KILL EM))))!!!!!!!!!!
“LOOK!!!” screamed Todd Palin. There’s Mitt Romney now…..he’s coming right towards us.”
“What’s he doing?” said a nervous Michele Bachmann.
Scalia: ”I don’t know….but he’s walking right towards us and I don’t like the looks of it. Perry, are you armed?”
“Always,” said Rick Perry.
Scalia: ”Fire off a warning shot and see what he does.”
((BLAM!!))
Scalia: ”He’s not stopping. He’s still coming at us.”
((“SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!”))) screamed Bachmann and Sarah Palin in unison.
Perry: ”Mitt, I’m giving you one warning to stop otherwise…..”
(((BLAM BLAM!!!))
Scalia takes the gun from Perry after he shoots a suspected queer, Mitt Romney
Romney drops like a rock and the crowd rushes to his body.
Scalia: ”Jesus, Perry….he’s dead.”
Alito: ”I checked him out…he doesn’t have anything on him that would make him queer.”
Sarah Palin: ”You never even gave him a chance Rick…you just shot him down.”
Perry: ”You told me to. What was I supposed to do…look at the way he was coming at us.”
Maple St. is coming apart at the seams
Michele Bachmann: ”It looked pretty normal to me….and you just shot him like a dog. Why is that Rick?”
Michele Bachmann keeps a vigilant eye on her neighbors 24-7
Todd Palin: ”Yea, why is that Rick? Maybe Mitt Romney was coming to tell us something and you didn’t want to give him that chance….so you shot him. Maybe Mitt Romney was coming here to tell us that it’s YOU who’s the same-sex married queer on Maple St. !!”
Rick Perry: ”Fuck off Todd or you’ll be the next guy who’s gonna feel the business end of my best friend, Mr. Pistol!”
“COME ON EVERYONE….LET’S GET PERRY….HE’S THE SAME SEX MARRIED QUEER ON MAPLE STREET !!!”
“NO, TOMMY WAS RIGHT!!!! IT’S ALITO AND TODD PALIN I’M TELLING YOU!!!!” screamed Roberts.
“IT’S NOT….THE QUEERS ARE JOHN ROBERTS AND RICK PERRY !!!” said an hysterical Sarah Palin.
Shrill, hysterical…..Sarah Palin
“MAYBE IT’S THE KID, TOMMY,” screamed Alito. “MAYBE HE’S THE QUEER!!!”
“IT’S SCALIA…HE’S THE QUEER…..SEARCH HIS HOUSE AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF!!” screamed Perry
((BLAM BLAM!!!))))
“BUT PERRY’S THE QUEER CAUSE HE SHOT MITT ROMNEY!!!”
((BLAM BLAM!!!) (((I’LL KILL YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!)))
((BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!)) ((KABOOOOOM)))!!!
Chaos on Maple St…….as someone watches from on high
….meanwhile, atop the hill that overlooks Maple St sit two beings not of this earth. They watch in the twilight of this hot summer evening as the residents of Maple St. destroy each other…
Xoxdox: Very good work Zodox. It seems you have yet again been successful at helping these earthlings to destroy themselves. How did you do it?
Zodox: It was easy. I simply put up an announcement on the bulletin board of some placed called a “church” where these foolish earthlings worship something called “god”. It is also there that they do something called “praying.”
Xoxdox: ”What is “praying” Zodox?”
Zodox: “It is when these sheep-like creatures gather together and ask this “god” that they cannot see to help them not to do exactly the things they are doing right now on Maple St.”
Xoxdox: What did this announcement you posted in this thing called a “church” say?
Zodox: ”It said: ”Two married Queers have infiltrated Maple St.”
Xoxdox: ”And that was it??”
Zodox: ”That was it”
Xoxdox: ”You’re a genius Xoxdox”
Zodox: ”And now we shall continue doing the same thing among these conservative townships of these stupid Republican people throughout all of this inferior race of brain dead earthlings. There are millions of these things called “church” throughout Earth. We shall do this same thing in all of them….and then we take over one, by one, by one….(((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)))
Xoxdox: ”HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Zodox “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Xoxdox: ”I love you Zodox.”
Zodox: ”We shall have sex tonight to celebrate the destruction of Maple St.”
….as chaos ensues on Maple Street things seem so serene up above, on the hill just over yonder, that overlooks the small hamlet. There, sit two creatures not from this earth. They are large, green, with only one eye apiece…and they are same sex queers from the planet Uranus who have come to earth to destroy it….or, should I say, sow the seed and then sit back in serenity and watch us as we destroy ourselves….in The Republican Zone.
Note by Editor: Based upon Twilight Zone Episode “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street.”
Pope Francis said today that he was really pissed when someone recently told him that more than 30 thousand people were tortured, “disappeared,” and murdered during Argentina’s infamous “Dirty War” between 1976 and 1983. According to the Pope, if he had just KNOWN about what was going he would probably have done something to try and stop it.
The new Pope, who was then known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio and rose to become Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was a priest during this period of state-sponsored terrorism.
Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now The Pope, says he never knew he was “palling around with terrorists.”
“Hey, I was a pretty busy guy back then just trying to live my life,” said the Pope in an interview with us.
Living my life with junta leader Jorge Videla
“I did see a lot more activity back then from some group that called itself, I believe, ‘The Junta’….but I didn’t think much of it. Actually, it made me feel pretty safe in the streets to see them around. Almost daily I’d see the military grabbing some guy at a bus stop, or in the library, at soccer games….even at church and then dragging them away. I never thought anything of it. I figured whoever it was they were grabbing must have done something wrong or were just held overnight to sleep off a good drunk. I was just thankful they were keeping us safe, that’s all.”
“Didn’t they even haul away people you had known for years?” I asked.
“Yea a few people,” said the Pope. ”They took away one of my deacons once…a guy named Jesus I knew for 20 years. And they grabbed my neighbor Rodolfo who I used to play pinochle with every Friday night for 15 years.”
“Did you ever see them again?”
“Now that you mention it, no I didn’t. I always kind of wondered what might have happened to those guys. I’ll have to look them up….maybe drop em a Christmas card.”
The Pope said The Junta even asked him to help them out from time to time in their nation-wide campaign to teach non-swimmers how to swim.
The Pope says he thought these guys were his friends. He says now he would like to tell them a thing or two like “you fellows should be ashamed of yourselves….but let us pray.”
“The Junta were really good guys who wanted to give swimming lessons to some of our fellow countrymen who didn’t know how to swim,” said the Pope. “So they would take these guys in plane rides over the our beautiful Rio De La Plata or even the Atlantic Ocean and they asked me to come along every now and then to help make these guys feel less nervous about being pushed out of the plane at 4000 feet. I even helped push some of the more nervous guys and it really made me feel good to be doing my part for them.”
“Yea I guess it seemed kind of high up,” said the Pope….”but WTF, who was I to question The Junta.”
“Did that ever strike you as a rather unorthodox way to teach people to swim?”
“Well, it did strike me as little high up….I mean, the highest I had ever seen was like the eight foot diving board at my apartment complex. But who am I to question such a group of great guys who are trying to help out their fellow man?”
“How many people did you help ‘teach’ to swim?”
“I went on maybe 10 trips and we must have pushed about 18 guys out a plane load. So I would say I helped at least a couple hundred guys learn to swim who otherwise wouldn’t know how today. I felt good about that and I felt like I was doing God’s work.”
“Have you spoken to any of those guys since….or even seen them?”
“Come to think of it no….but I just figured they had all moved on with their lives and were now out there teaching others. Needless to say if I had known these guys were plunging 4000 feet to their deaths, I probably would have tried to at least talk to the pilot of the plane about it or something. I mean, like, WTF?! So I’m kind of pissed about the whole thing and now I just feel used quite frankly. Those guys in The Junta always seemed pretty squared away and straight shooters to me. If I had known maybe I would have told them to knock it off or something.”
“We were able to find one guy who somehow survived his ‘swimming lesson’– Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez–a left-wing poet and now a quadriplegic who says he doesn’t remember much about his ‘incident’ in Dec of 1978….but he says he does remember the Pope.”
Jose Manuel Rodriquez-Rodriquez says he happy the Pope is from Argentina….but thinks he’s a stupid dick for falling for The Junta’s bullshit.
“Yea sure…I remember him. I mean I was half drugged out of my mind but I’ll never forget the Pope, who of course wasn’t a Pope then and a much younger guy, giving me a bunch of Hail Marys before pushing me out the back of that fucking plane into ice cold water. Luckily a fishing boat happened to come along and fish me out of there…but I was pretty fucked up by then and I can tell you that I sure as shit didn’t learn how to swim.”
“So, in effect, Pope, you didn’t do shit to stop the ‘Dirty War’ and, if anything, were complicit….is that correct?”
“As my spokesman has repeatedly noted, no credible proof has ever been adduced against me.”
“I mean, didn’t the name ‘Dirty War’ even strike you as a little odd?”
“Not really…..I mean during wars soldiers get dirty and muddy and stuff. I figured that’s how they got the name. And as far as me not ‘doing shit,’ I was busy as hell giving mass, hearing confessions of 80-year-old women, washing the feet of poor and sick people, organizing bake sales, car washes, and other fund raisers, committing sex offenses with alter boys, and a whole lot more. Why I bet during this war I never got more than eight hours sleep a night with all of the noise and shit that was going on outside.”
“You seem like a coward, Pope Francis…..but if that’s unfair or overly harsh I apologize.”
“That’s okay son…now, let’s do what I do best and let’s pray together because that is my answer to everything.”
The Vatican shocked the world by picking a pasty, socially-conservative, old white man as its next Pope instead of its traditional pick of a vibrant, youthful, progressive man or woman of color.
‘We’re trying to jazz up the church with an old white man for a change,” said 104-year-old Russian Cardinal, Boris Badenov.
Pope Jorge “Fast Eddie” Bergoglio is from Argentina but will name himself “Francis” after his favorite movie character, “Francis” the talking mule of the old Donald O’Conner movies of the 50′s.
“We’re all tried of tradition so we voted in someone no one expected…a pasty white guy who is is anti-gay, anti-homo, anti-non-traditional marriage, anti-abortion, anti-men holding hands, anti-talking with a lisp, anti-men wearing earrings, anti-anything to do with men hanging out with other men in any environment other than sports, but very much pro-priests ‘letting off a little steam and taking the edge off the tension of celibacy’ by indulging every now and then with a little ‘sexual healing’ with appropriate amounts of sex with alter boys and other youngsters who happen to be available,” Cardinal Badenov added.
Pope Francis promises, however, to stem the tide of criticism from decades of unchecked priest sexual abuse by ensuring that it’s properly regulated.
“Pope Francis plans to institute a system where no priest is allowed to sexually abuse more than 50 alter boys a year, “said a spokesperson for the Vatican. ”The new system will be strictly monitored,” added the spokesperson, “so that no priest will be able to surpass his annual allotment.”
“That sounds impossible. How do you expect to do that?” I asked.
“With alter boy sex ration cards,” the Vatican spokesperson explained. ”Every priest throughout the world will be issued a sex abuse ration card which will be charged to 50 a year. Each priest will be required to utilize his card each time he indulges in sex abuse. Once they surpass 50, they’ll no longer be able to use their cards until they’re recharged at the beginning of the fiscal year. Pope Francis said this system worked like a charm in Argentina so he decided to institute it for the rest of the world.”
Sex abuse ration card sample
Cardinals who attended the Conclave this week were issued their individual ration cards and provided enough cards to pass out to the priests in their respective Archdioceses.
After passing out ration cards, Pope Francis headed out to nearby ”Fix it Again Tony’s Bar and Grill” for a night of partying with some of his closest Cardinal associates.
“The Pope got pretty shitfaced on Grappa and Wild Turkey,” said Badenov. ”Then a fight broke out and unfortunately he got right in the middle of the shit and somebody called the polizia and I guess they took him downtown to sleep it off. I mean, the guy’s had a long day. But tomorrow he’ll be ready to do the business of the one billion people who follow him by proudly maintaining the traditions of corruption, racism, sexual abuse, and fear.”
White smoke means a pasty, old,perverted white guy has been selected
Attention Cardinals….please cast your vote from the list of nominees listed below:
1.) Cardinal from Italy: 40 years in the church who began molesting alter boys as a 22-year-old priest; is a traditional homophobe and is dead set again women in the church.
2.) Cardinal from Canada: Has more than 100 under-aged molestations to his credit; 30 years in the church; Good with his hands, especially when it comes to ass-grabbing of boys aged 14 and under.
3.) Cardinal from America: 41 years in the church who rose through the Catholic ranks by looking the other way while over 150 priests under his jurisdiction committed sex crimes with under aged choir boys; Has over 200 molestations to his own credit.
4.) Cardinal from The Philippines: Reverent and committed to the church….as well as to the molestation of boys at the youngest ages possible. Coined the phrase, “Sex after Eight and it’s too late.”
5.) Cardinal from Argentina: Committed to the Catholic Church with a “hands on” approach to his faith….especially if it means “hands on” young boy asses which he has had his hands on more than 450 times during his decades in the church.
Please select one of the following perverts listed above by circling their name and then casting your vote as quickly as possible so that we can get on with the business of wide-spread corruption, debauchery, secrecy, and perversion of the highest order.
Black smoke means,well, pretty much the same fucking thing as white smoke
It’s getting tense in Rome as the largest group of sleazy, creepy, fucked-up, filthy old pedophiles ever to gather in one place, in what is known as a papal conclave, are close to selecting the next sleazebag to head their fucked-up, racist, homophobic, misogynistic piece-of-shit church.
The so-called conclave, which essentially is a meeting of the College of Cardinal pedophiles, convened to elect the next creepy, young boy-ass-grabbing old bastard, is really just an excuse for a whole bunch of sexually-depraved old cocksuckers to gather with like-minded perverts on a junket in one of the most beautiful cities on earth so they make their fucked-up archdioceses back home think they’re there to do the people’s business when in reality they’re just having a Euro circle jerk of epic proportions.
“Hey, do any of you fuckers know where I can find Amanda Hugandkiss?” “ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!”
While reporting on location outside of the fucked-up Vatican, I managed to coral one pedophile Cardinal, Ivan Whackinoff from Croatia.
Cardinal Ivan Whackinoff
“Excuse me sir, how’s the Conclave going so far?”
“Ah, it’s going well my son….it’s going well….and with God’s will, we will have selected a Holy Father soon.”
“How many circle jerks have you old fuckers had so far and what’s been the biggest one?”
“Well, funny you ask cause we had a great one just last night as a matter of fact.”
“What happened?”
“There were about 20 of us and we’d been drinking see….and a Cardinal from Canada starting talking about some of his choir boy escapades and then other guys started chiming in with their stories and then one thing led to another and the next thing you know we were in a big circle with our pants down and our dicks in our hands and we just started going to town.”
“Who was the pivot man….you must have had a pivot man?”
“We were pretty wasted so I don’t remember his name but I think it was some Cardinal from America.”
With the lord’s business done for the day, this motley crew heads to the papacy steam room where they plan on …..well, you don’t want to know.
“No surprise there….right?”
“No of course not….the Americans are always the best at facilitating group jerks.”
“Do you think one’s ability to facilitate a circle jerk will in any way influence your vote for the next Pope?”
“Of course….that’s probably the biggest thing with most of us. But there are other things that factor in such as how well one dresses up in women’s clothes, how well they’re able to exhibit ‘reach around’ techniques with under-age boys, how quickly they can whip it out…which at the age of most of us, and given our mostly shriveled up state, is no small feat.”
“So have you guys done ANYTHING constructive since you’ve been in Rome besides sit around and swap stories about how many young boys you’ve cornholed over the years?”
“Not really except bitch about how broke all of us are and about how fewer and fewer people are coming to our churches.”
“So, let me ask you an existential question: do you guys get your rocks off more by literally fucking young boys or by figuratively mind-fucking the millions in your respective flocks around the work by continuing to perpetuate the myth of a man in the sky and all the rest of the bullshit you guys try to sell poor suckers who trust you and don’t know any better while you’re ripping them off in mind, body, and soul?”
“So Fred, you fucked many good youngsters this year?” “Not as many this year as the year before Hal. It’s been a shitty year for the church. How ’bout you?”
“Well, I can’t speak for everyone else but I get my rocks off equally with both.”
“Good to hear. I know you have business to take care of, Father, so I’ll let you go. I mean, in the big scheme of things there’s absolutely NOTHING more important than electing another Pope because heaven forbid we go one more helpless moment with an empty throne in the Vatican, right?”
Famed anthropologist, Dr. I. Yankit, who discovered pussy face erectus explains its uniqueness, history, and evolution to his students at MIT:
“Ladies and gentleman…it is in this being that we have essentially discovered the missing link between regular people and the legions of pussy American men who are soulless, evangelical eunuchs.”
Dr. I. Yankit
“Is it a he or she, doctor?”
“Well, that would be the million dollar question, Mr. Smithers, to which there are no easy answers. Therefore, I have simply been referring to it as it. Notice the large hips and waist similar to those of a woman…and the petite hands with no visible signs of ever having done any labor of any kind in its life…that is, except for the curious callouses on its right hand suggesting less of labor and more of it having spent an extraordinary amount of time gratifying itself….perhaps as much as 18 times a day.”
Pussy Face Erectus
“What about its sex organs doctor…does it have any?”
“Another good question. Pussy face erectus SEEMS to have the penis of a male….yet it is one of the smallest recorded in history on a male specimen. For that reason I’m unable to fully determine its gender.”
“What about its face, Professor? I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Well that is because there never HAS been anything like it, Mr. Smithers. Notice the pasty and puffy cherub cheeks as well as the sharp nose. Notice the beady, cold, and expressionless eyes and the thin lips and small, sharp teeth not entirely unlike those of a man-eating piranha. Then there are the jowls underneath its chin. Notice the hanging bags of fat historically found almost exclusively underneath the chins of fat, carpet-bagging, pedophilic, southern evangelical preachers.”
…notice jowls, sharp and small teeth…and thin lips
“So, Professor….you earlier stated that you could ascertain the personality of pussy face erectus based on its body type and facial features.”
“Absolutely Ms. Bailey….almost beyond a reasonable doubt, I can ascertain that pussy face erectus is a miserable cretin and horrible human being devoid of any soul…empty to the core with no loyalty to anyone but itself.”
Professor I. Yankit maintains that pussy face erectus is a classic coward and a miserable, cretin with an empty soul
“Additionally, it is predisposed to be a demagogue in the name of religion not unlike the religious zealots responsible for the Salem witch burnings. As a leader, it is the quintessential coward who will send others to war and to their deaths while refusing to serve, yet calling others who did serve disloyal. It uses empty words like ‘freedom’ and ‘patriot’ and symbols like the American flag to obfuscate its extreme anti-social personality.”
“It’s a hideous creature, Professor.”
“Indeed it is, Ms. Jenkins….yet we must study pussy face erectus in an effort to understand the phenomena of pussy, evangelical, eunuch men in America.”
“And then what, Professor?”
“Well, when we finish I’ll just toss its filthy carcass in the incinerator out back and just hope we never see another like it.”
Paco the dog chews on foot before shape-shifting into something else
Hold onto your britches. With the help of my anonymous source, “Virgil” (whose spoke to me on condition that his true identity remain confidential), I have just uncovered the scoop of the decade: Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul, aka The Three, are not who they say they are. In fact, they are unlike anything you have ever imagined.
“They are shape-shifters,” says Virgil.
“Shape shifters! Can you explain what a shape-shifter is, exactly?”
“Well, in olden times,” explains Virgil, “people often changed shape to have sex…like when Zeus who took the form of a swan to rape Leda.”
“And when he assumed the appearance of Artemis to rape Callisto?”
“Yes. Those are just two of zillions of examples where Zeus changed form so he could violate someone. Few people realize he is the all-time number one shape-shifting rapist in the universe.”
“Really?”
“It’s a fact, gordita. Every dildo, every speculum, every douche, and every enema that’s ever been made is really Zeus in disguise.”
“Ughhh. Are you going to tell me The Three are douche-bag rapists like Zeus?”
“No, gordita. Rape is Zeus’ particular specialty. Plus, rape isn’t the only reason for shape-shifting.”
“What are the other reasons?”
“Well…one key reason is artistic–the impulse to thematically connect a person’s identity with his true inner nature.”
“Huh?”
“Have you ever heard of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Tanglewood Tales?”
I scratch my head. If I say, no, will Virgil think I am an idiot? I wonder.
“In Tanglewood Tales,” says Virgil, “Hawthorne retells the story of Circe but in Hawthorne’s version, instead of transforming all of Odysseus’ crew into swine, Circe transforms each of the men into the animal he most resembles.”
“Interesting. So are you saying that Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul are all in the process of transforming into animals that they most resemble?”
“Oh ho, gordita! You have it exactly backwards! What is happening is that The Three are animals who have transformed themselves into the Senators they most resemble!”
“Er….what animal did each of them used to be?”
“Well, Senator Cruz used to be this ….”
Rafael the cat
“… but his cat identity was not nearly pussy enough so he reinvented himself as this.”
Ted “Pussy Face” Cruz
“Rafael the cat chose specifically to be Senator Ted Cruz?”
“Yep. Rafael could have been anybody, gordita. But Senator Cruz was the ideal personification of who he truly was.”
“A pussy face….”
“A real, honest to goodness pussy face. And a mean one at that. The meanest ever.”
“What about Lindsey Graham?”
“This guy?”
Mister Toad
“Lindsey Graham was Mr. Toad?!?!?!?”
“Yes, but as a toad, he was just not toady enough. So he became Senator Graham.”
“Okay, Virgil. I am getting the idea. So wait a minute…don’ tell me yet what animal Rand Paul was. Let me guess.”
“Sure.”
“Was he this?”
Vicious hyena
“No.”
“This maybe?”
Rabid weasel
“No.”
“How about this?”
…
“Nope.”
“What was he then?”
“Do you see Paco the dog at the top of this blog post?”
“Whoa!!! He’s hideous! As a senator, he represents the hideous Tea Party. Is that the thematic connection?“
“No, gordita. Not everything is as complicated as you make it out to be. Rand Paul is simply a malevolent, mangy, wire-haired cur.”
“Hmmmm. I have one more question before we finish this interview.”
“Yes?”
“Whenever we see The Three, Kelly Ayotte always seems to be nearby. Is Kelly Ayotte a shape-shifter too?”
“Yeah, she’s a shape-shifter all right–the best there has ever been.”
“Who or what was she before she became Senator Ayotte?”
The Honorable Ted Cruz 317 Russell Senate Office Building Washington, DC 20510
Dear Ted,
We’ve been watching your work from down here and I have to tell you…I’m impressed. You’ve been in the U.S. Senate now, what, three months?? And already you’ve got everyone shaking in their boots. Why, I haven’t seen the likes of this since my day. We were all watching the way you handled yourself in the recent Hagel hearings for SecDef and let me tell you….you sure reminded me of me. In fact, you’re the closest thing to me since….well, there’s never been anyone like me I’m proud to say….until you came along. We had high hopes at one time for Tom Delay and even Newt Gingrich…..but Delay is stupid and Gingrich is just a greedy pig.
You, however, my friend are the real deal….a guy who’s bold enough to make up any story you like about anyone and then just keep saying it over and over again until it sticks and saying it in a self-righteous and condescending manner like I haven’t seen in 50 years. I mean, the way you stand in judgement of others, accusing them of things they haven’t done and saying it with such conviction is a thing of beauty and makes the little hair I have left stand up on the back of my neck.
Ted in his best demagogue pose
Man on man…in the good old days we were the best at that and I swear to god we had em on the run….everyone I mean…from Charlie Chaplin and Orson Welles, to Edward G. Robinson and Lillian Hellman. Goddamn it was fun ruining people’s careers and lives! And I’m here to say, Ted, you have the capacity to do that again….and I’ve never seen anyone more up to the task ! You have the capacity to make EVERYONE afraid of you….just like we did back in the day….just by making shit up and then repeating it enough times with fervor and passion. No one will dare to question you.
Ted, I’ve been looking for a good demagogue for decades and I think I’ve found it in you. That was what America used to be about Ted….making demagoguery part of our proud, national fabric. But like all great things, it came to an end and America lost its way…………until now. I didn’t think it possible we could see a resurgence of demagoguery until you came along. And on top of everything else you’re repulsive with a classic pussy face which works better for demagogues in the 21st century than it ever did in my day. What could be scarier than a modern-day Spanish Inquisition from a group of pussy faces? Ted you got it all….and you’re a great Senator and an even better American. You may be our last hope to make America great again in the true spirit of fear, intimidation, lies, and innuendo.
How’d you like to have THIS face deciding your fate?
I can’t wait to meet you Ted and shake your hand…but that will have to wait until you’re gone and you’re able to join us down here. You do know, of course, that one of the conditions of great Americans like you and I being able to do the things we do in the name of freedom means we had to agree to coming down here. I hope you’re alright with that. I mean, it’s not so bad once you get use to it. And there are a lot of nice people down here I’m sure you’ll like. I play cards regularly with a couple of super fellows named Jesse Helms and George Lincoln Rockwell. And two guys named Jeff Dahmer and Ted Bundy keep everyone in stitches with their antics. We’re a regular melting pot down here with great people from all kinds of countries like my buddy Idi Amin from Africa and a couple of great guys from Germany named Adolf Eichmann and Heinrich Himmler. So I’m sure you’ll be happy here….just make sure to pack light. You can almost go naked down here (and a lot of us do….especially Bundy and Dahmer) cause it can get hot as a motherfucker….especially in the summertime.
Anyhow, again Ted…thanks for making us proud again and keep up the good work in the Senate. We need you….Texas needs you….America needs you.
You’re a great American.
Your friend,
Joe McCarthy and the gang from the House on Un-American Activities Committee
Joe in his best inquisition pose
P.S. Hey Ted I just had a great idea what we can call what you do. How does this sound? ”Cruzism”…..hahahahahahahahaha!!
It didn’t take long for retired Pope Benedict to find his next career as he just signed a contract with a NYC comedy club to perform 104 shows over the next two years.
“Fuck it….I’m as happy as a two-peckered billy goat surrounded by a bunch of horny ewe,” laughed a shit-faced pope who went on a drinking binge right after signing his contract with “The Comedy Cellar” located at 117 MacDougal St. in NYC which reportedly will net him about five million dollars.
People line up for Rat-A-Tat-Tat’s show
Long known as the Vatican’s King of Crude Comedy, the ex-Pope, whose real name is Joseph Ratzinger, will perform as Joey Rat-a-Tat-Tat-Zinger because of his high speed delivery of one-liners.
Joey Rat-A-Tat-Tat clowns around in a fucked up Santa Claus hat. Underneath that hat, however, is the king of one-liners
Last night was Joe Rat-A-Tat-Tat-Zinger’s first show at “The Comedy Cellar” before a packed house of people who paid as much as $500 for a ticket to see the former Pontiff turned funny man. Luckily SPB was able to catch the show and, with permission from The Comedy Cellar, presents part of it below:
“Well now…..what a fucked up looking audience!!!”
(((HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHA))))”
“If my fucking shit-eating dog was as ugly as most of you….why I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards!”
((((HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR)))!!!!!!
“Good evening ladies and germs…..I’d love to say it’s nice to see all of you mother fuckers…..but I’d BE LYING!!!”
((HAHAHAHHAHHHAHHAHAHAH))!!!!
“Say, how do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy!!!
(((HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA)))!
Rolling on the floor and laughing their asses off at Rat’s zingers
“What do priests and McDonald’s have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns!!!!!”
((HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA)))!!!
“What do you get when you dress like an altar boy and meet the priest? A holy fuck!!”
If you would like to see the hottest show in America good luck getting tickets. All 104 shows are already sold out said a spokesperson for The Comedy Cellar. ”Seems everyone wants to see this funny mother fucker.”
The Pope has put on his dancing shoes and is ready to get down and boogie.
Sick of all the sex scandals tearing apart his “Pope-ship,” Pope Benedict XVI startled everybody recently, especially Catholics, by saying, “Fuck it, who needs this shit?” and dumped the frumpy clothes, the stupid-ass fake name, (Benedict for god’s sake….who the fuck ever thought of that one?), and put on his best zoot suit and hit the party scene in the Big Apple before the ink was even dry on his resignation.
The former Pope ((flees)) Vatican City (note red Gucci dancing shoes)
“Life is short,” said the ex-Pope, who now calls himself “Joe Rat,” not to be confused with THE “Joe Rat,” aka Joey “Kneecap” Santorielli of The Bronx, who was indicted last week for racketeering and multiple murder counts. “I’m like, what…90? Dude, there’s a town to paint and beaver to bang.”
“Midnight Plowboy”
But Mr. Pope…err, Joe? You’re like fucking 90!?!?! Beaver to bang?!?
“Nothing a double dose of Cialis won’t take care of,” added a confident Joe Rat. “I plan to start at clubs on the upper west side and work my way down until I’m downtown sweet Georgia Brown baby,” added the newly cocky ex-Pontiff. “I’ve got stax of wax that haven’t been played in years including K.C. and the Sunshine Band, The Ohio Players, Confunkshun, The Bar-Kays, Lakeside, and a bunch of others. Have you ever heard the Silver Convention?” asked “Joe Rat” of a clearly befuddled Southpaw reporter. “Just feast your ears on this baby…..
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Fly, robin fly
Up, up to the sky
The Pope’s chicks….Silver Convention
“Fuck man…is that an eargasm or what?,” asked “Joe Rat,” who seemed genuinely lost in the 70′s.
“Joe Cool”
When reminded by Southpaw that much of the music he mentioned is not only lame, but antiquated and that most club disc jockeys wouldn’t even know what it is much less play it, the ebullient ex-Pontiff said, “I could give a shit man….I’ll just let my records take me to the river baby….and where ever I hang my hat, that’s my home. Now move aside sonny…I got a gun in my pocket and it’s about ready to go off.”
Unfortunately for the ex-Pope, aka “Joe Rat,” his “steppin’ out” was short-lived as he was arrested just a few hours after checking into the No-Tell Motel on the upper west side for, you guessed it, soliciting prostitution…..of the male persuasion. So much for “bangin’ beaver.”
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES
JUST TO BOOGIE WITH YOU, YEAH
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES JUST TO BOOGIE WITH YOU,UH HUH
I WANT TO IT IT ‘TIL THE SUN COMES UP
UH HUH, AND I WANT TO DO IT ‘TIL
I CAN’T GET ENOUGH, YEAH, YEAH
I WANT TO PUT ON MY MY MY MY MY
BOOGIE SHOES
The Pope plays with K.C. at recent NYC performance (the Pope is third from the left)
As gay marriage becomes increasingly accepted by Americans, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has experienced a profound and unsettling loosening of his moral prohibitions.
…
Speaking to students at John Marshall School of Law, Scalia revealed that same-sex marriage has caused him to doubt that there is any such thing as “right” and “wrong.”
“There are all sorts of things I have wanted to do for a long time…things I used to think were categorically wrong. But not any more. Now I keep thinking I would like to stick a deer knife in Sotomayor’s belly and and for the life of me, I can’t think of a single reason why I shouldn’t.”
Sitting in the audience, I raise my hand. “Um, Justice Scalia,” I venture, “my name is gordita. Could you please elaborate further on your implicit argument that there is no moral difference between the love that gay people have for each other and the cruel and depraved act of a murder?”
“Nothing is off limits in a world that recognizes gay love, gordita. Nothing.”
“It seems to me, Justice Scalia, that you are using reductio ad absurdum and taking it to absurd lengths. Surely you see that there is a difference between something like marriage which produces happiness and something like murder which produces suffering.”
“God suffers when humans violate his laws. Whether it’s gay marriage or murder, God suffers the same.”
“Ahh. I get it. You are the divine scourge…the wrath of God upon the world.”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I am.”
“Which is why you gave us Bush as a president.”
“Yes.”
…
“And why you have done your best to hand our elections over to the highest bidder.”
“Yes!”
Going once…going twice
“And why you ruled against Lilly Ledbetter.”
“YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!”
…
“And why you aspire to being the cruelest Supreme Court Justice in the history of the United States.”
“On the ground that God has scourged enough. On the ground that our human failings cause enough suffering without an additional overlay of divine (in)justice. On the ground that all love is imperfect but we strive for it anyway because the alternative is misery and barbarism.”
“So you think love is something we can use, rather than God’s laws, to demarcate moral boundaries?”
“Yes, I do.”
“If what you are saying about love is true, what would keep me from setting up an escort service with goats and sheep? You know…as companions for a love-filled weekend? Or how about we set up a charity called goats.org where people can buy love goats for lonely men in third world countries?”
“What is missing in your moral sense that makes it impossible for you to tell the difference between consensual and non-consensual acts, Justice Scalia? How does consensual gay sex give you the right to rape an animal?”
“Heiffer.org gives animals to poor people to be eaten. The animal has no say in it. If you’re okay with that you should be okay with goats.org.”
Outside of Scalia’s universe, the gift of a sheep helps stop world hunger
“Maybe for consistency, we should strive to be vegetarians, Your Honor. But putting that aside, you have just used reason to negate a deeply-felt, universally-appreciated moral distinction between consensual acts of love and non-consensual acts of violence. Why would you want to use your powers of rational thought for such a destructive purpose?”
“BECAUSE I DON’T CONSENT TO PEOPLE HAVING GAY SEX BUT THEY KEEP ON HAVING IT ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Justice Scalia…speaking truth to power…his power
“Spoken like a man whose desire for control knows no bounds.”
“Judicial restraint died with traditional marriage. Now I’m the king of the whole world. You hear that? THE KING OF THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.”
“I gathered as much from Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.”
“Then fucking get over it.”
[Editor's Note: If you do not already know about Heifer International, give it a look. It's a wonderful charity based on the principal of "Give not a cup, but a cow."]
A lot has been written about Malala Yousafzi, the remarkable Pakastani teenager who was the subject of a 2009 New York Times documentary and was shot in the head by Taliban fighters on October 9, 2012, for her criticism of the Taliban’s ban on girls’ education. Not a lot has been written about her father, Ziauddin Yousafzai.
Ziauddin is not a saint. There are no saints in this world–just notable fighters and peace-makers. As an advocate for girls in Taliban territory, he is both. I have not been able to find anything that explains the genesis of Ziauddin’s interest in the education of females–perhaps because journalists have not found the story to be of interest. Looking at the timeline of his life, one can see that he opened a private girls school in the Swat Valley, about 100 miles from Islamabad, shortly before the birth of Malala. Ziauddin states that when he saw his newborn daughter, he looked into her eyes and knew she was very very special. And indeed she is, no doubt in large part because of the dedication of her father to the development of her mind.
Some might argue that Ziauddin is a pushy father–at least by our standards. But our standards–including the idea that individuals should be able to choose their own career path–take a great deal for granted. When his daughter declared that she wanted to become a doctor, Ziauddin countered that she must grow up to be a politician. The reason, he said, is that Pakistan needs politicians who will make it possible for all girls to become doctors.
Ziauddin has paid dearly for his and his daughter’s advocacy. Malala was nearly murdered and remains in a Birmingham hospital where she is fighting infection and receiving rehabilitation. He and the rest of his family have received death threats. But he insists he will not give up. “The Taliban cannot stop all independent voices through the force of bullets,” he says.
Ziauddin now has a powerful ally in his mission to educate girls: UNESCO and former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown who is the U.N. Special envoy for Global Education. Brown says that the United Nations is more determined than ever that every child (including 32 million primary-school-aged girls who have no access to schools) will be enrolled in school by 2015. Brown also indicated that Ziauddin–who has grass-roots expertise–will be named a U.N. special advisor for global education to help accomplish the goal.
So my wonderful readers, enjoy Southpaw’s delicious Hatemas posts. Then top them with a small dollop of hope. Hate and love. Fighters and peacemakers. This Christmas we celebrate both.
Today marks the one-week anniversary of the date when Southern Strategy committed suicide by jumping to his death in front of an anxious and transfixed world-wide television audience. Today conservatives came together to decide what to do with the rotting, festering, bloated, putrid corpse.
rotting, festering, bloated
…and putrid
Laura Ingraham: The Republican Party needs to modernize and show that it is viscerally in touch with white working class men who can no longer afford burials. What better way to hook up with that demographic than to cremate Southern Strategy?”
Burn baby, burn
Pat Robertson: “Cremation certainly isn’t biblical. In the Old Testament, none of the biblical patriarchs – Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, or David – were cremated. I think we should bury Southern Strategy in a nice little rock tomb (and hope and pray that it will be raptured like the rest of us good Christians).”
Karl Rove: “Wait! Do you feel what I feel? That’s a pulse! Praise Jesus! Southern Strategy is risen!”
Megyn Kelly: “Are you sure you’re not using a Republican method of pulse-checking that you use to make yourself feel better?”
Oops. Pretend I didn’t just say that.
Bill Kristol: “F*ck you Rove. We will never win another election until we Republicans stop living in a fantasy land. Southern Strategy is all smashed up. He is turning green and starting to ooze. It’s time to dispose of the corpse and find a new best friend.”
John Boehner: “In the House, we already have a new best friend. His name is Gerry.”
Michele Bachmann: Hahahahahahahaha!
George Will: “People, we have at least another year to talk about our new BFF. Right now we have a massive pile of stink that we need to dispose of. We have one person voting for cremation, another voting for burial in a rock tomb. Any other suggestions?”
Paul Broun: “I dunno. Being a science guy who believes the earth is 9000 years old, I think I’d like to see a donation of Southern Strategy’s remains to my old medical school (where I did not learn a single f*cking thing).”
Or we could give the remains to my taxidermist
Paul Ryan: “Donation? What are you? Some kind of commie?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, f*ck donating. We can take the remains through probate and sell them.”
Ann Coulter: “Damn! Think what the Bodies Exhibition would pay for a Caucasian!”
Bill Kristol: “Gentlemen, Southern Strategy has been the salvation of the Republican Party for over 40 years. You’re all Christian and I am a shameless panderer to Christians I loathe and despise. So I say we should do what you people have historically done when your savior dies.“
Mike Huckabee: “You mean, EAT Southern Strategy? All of us together? Including Catholics and (gulp) Jews?”
George Will: “F*ck that. It would look like we were all eating crow.”
A man who has not and never will eat crow…or, to the deep chagrin of the ladies, something else
Sarah Palin: “Aww, come on everybody! There isn’t a person here who wants to get rid of Southern Strategy. I vote we prop the old poopyhead up the in a chair and carry on as usual.”
Clint Eastwood: “Hmmm. You’re thinking about something along the lines of Psycho where Norman Bates is so attached to his evil dead mother he puts her in a rocking chair, and assumes her identity?”
Sarah Palin: “I’m not that deep, Clint. I was thinking of something more along the lines of Weekend at Bernie’s where we all go to the Hamptons and party.”
Karl Rove: “Anybody have a pair of dark sunglasses?”
Senate Minority Leader Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky today vowed to make President Obama a two-term President.
“Two terms and that’s it,” McConnell said of Obama
“If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I will see to it with all my power that I make this illegitimate, non-American, half-breed, obscenity of a man a two-term President,” a resolute McConnell told a group of reporters who were gathered in the Capitol Rotunda.
“Let me repeat, making Obama a two-term President is my single most important political goal.”
When reminded that the President, or any President, is constitutionally limited to two terms anyway, McConnell brushed off the reminder.
“Well, the Constitution is a big document that not all of us have had a chance to read word for word,” he said.
“That’s true Senator McConnell,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of ABC News. ”But besides your top priority, what else, if anything, are your political goals besides striving to stay the single ugliest, most lizard-like, pedophile-looking, sack of ape shit in the U.S. Senate?”
Mitch McConnell, aka “Senator Dick Magnet”
“Nothing…those are my two goals.”
“You are aware, Senator, that your 20-year reign of ugliest, chinless, fish-eyed, reptilian sack of shit may be severely compromised by Senator-elect Ted Cruz of Texas, correct Senator? reminded Chuck Todd, senior political correspondent for NBC News.
“I am aware of that,” acknowledged McConnell. “But no matter how pasty-white, butt-ugly and pedophile-looking Cruz may be, he will never be able to touch me once I deck out in my relatively famous red, white, and blue spandex thong.”
“Yes Senator…he may not be able to touch YOU…but will YOU be touching him much like you have improperly touched many a Republican freshman Senator before him?” asked CNN’S Wolf Blitzer.
“Yes, of course ….it’s part of my personal indoctrination to the U.S. Senate,” said McConnell.
“Does that include fucking Ted Cruz up the ass Senator?” asked Martha Raditz of ABC News.
Ted Cruz will get in line…or get it in the end
“If that’s what it takes to get Cruz in line with my rigid, uncompromising, and obstructionist position in my effort to try and bring the country down because of its election of a black man as President, than of course I’ll do that and much more,” said McConnell.
“A reach-around Senator?” asked Blitzer.
“Whatever it takes.”
“Well Senator, from what I’ve seen thus far of Ted Cruz, I suspect he will be a most willing participant,” said Chuck Todd.
“That’s what I’m hoping for and that’s what I expect,” said McConnell.
And with that, McConnell retreated to his opulent Senate office where he commenced rubbing off to a recent picture of Ted Cruz.
Trump leaves the WH where he met with Pres Obama who appointed him next ambassador to Kenya
Real estate magnate, Donald Trump, contacted President Obama last night to offer him his congratulations on his reelection and was immediately asked if he would like to be Ambassador to Kenya which he accepted.
“Apparently the position is vacant and the President, knowing my extensive knowledge of Kenya specifically and world affairs in general made me the offer and being one who believes in country first, I accepted,” said Trump.
“I feel I have a close and personal connection to Kenya,” said Trump despite the fact that the millionaire and host of NBC’s “The Apprentice” has not only never been to Kenya, he has never been to any African country due to a reported pathological fear of black people for which he is currently receiving intensive counseling in preparation for his ambassadorship.
This is Trump country
“That’s something I need to work on before I take over the embassy there,” said Trump. ”I believe that one reason why my friend Barrack offered me the position is to help me to get over my fears.”
“It’s my understanding that colored people are predominant in Kenya and apparently are a great credit to their race,” said a conciliatory Trump. ”I look forward to getting to know more about this race of people and how I can help to make them more like Americans and human beings.”
Trump will also start up a version of “The Apprentice” in Kenya with production to begin on Action TV-8 Nairobi in January.
“I very much look forward to saying “YOU’RE FIRED” to colored people,” said Trump with a chuckle.
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FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!
…..as for Mitt Romney, he says he will now leave the country and, along with his 18 sons, 160 grandchildren, and 450 great grandchildren, will form a country of his own and tentatively call it Baincapistan.
